Where do I stand?

[Middledmotherhood]

Hi, so a bit of a long story but I’ll try to keep it as short as possible. Me and my ex has our daughter 19 months ago, at the begging he was fine, then my little one had a rough few months (tongue tie, misdiagnosed milk allergy and reflux) so she would constantly scream for hours on end, would be restless and would settle best on me. I noticed a few weeks after when it had started, that he had started to distance himself away and when we were visiting his dad at Christmas who lives in the West Midlands he told me the night before we were going to be leaving that next morning, that he didn’t want to come back and that he wanted to stay there.
His excuse at the time was that he wanted to do his mums house up who had passed away and sell it, but he hadn’t ever discussed this and instead just left me the next day after we had travelled home. I was really upset, baffled etc and ended up developing pnd, but I also at the time believed he would do it so we could move into our own place (we were living with my parents) moths went and went and nothing got down on the house and he was constantly not turning up to see our daughter. It got to September and still nothing had been done and we really weren’t close anymore. Ever since then he has failed to turn up some weeks to see our daughter, sometimes ignoring my messages or not even telling me he isn’t coming so I end up sitting around for no reason.

Just recently he hasn’t bothered to turn up for 5 weeks, blaming me and saying I am the reason because he can’t stsnd me, which in my eyes I’m not a good enough excuse to not see your child.

He then turned up 2 weeks ago and hadn’t been back Since! He doesn’t tell me when he’s coming so if I’m out he then says I’m stopping him from seeing her, even though he hasn’t even told me the day he was coming down!

He then sent me a message yesterday saying oh I realise I’m not a good dad and I can’t do this anymore, being a parent is too much for me and saying I was a carer for my mum and then had to care for our baby and I couldn’t. For starters he hasn’t even been a parent, turning up once in a while doesn’t count. It’s not like he’s been here through all the tough times and then he has the cheek go saying being a single mum is really easy and that I get everything done!

I don’t, I’m having to rely on benefits at the moment which is degrading and I’m also struggling with paying for things. My daughter has multiple allergies at the moment as the free Fromm aisle is disgustingly expensive.

Sometimes he pays for her sometimes he doesn’t, but where do I stand if he has said he doesn’t want to see her anymore does that mean he doesn’t have to pay for her too?
I still personally think he should pay his way as he had a choice in the matter of having a baby as much as I did and now because it’s too tough he’s just off. Pretty sure that’s classed as neglect if a mother does it but when a father does it, it’s seems perfectly fine and no one seems to think it’s wrong!

Sorry for such a long rant I just don’t know where I stand in all this

[corlan]

Of course he should support his child financially whether he sees her or not. Unfortunately, if he doesn't wor,k or he's self-employed and he doesn't want to support his child, it's easy for him to get away with not paying.
You should contact the child maintenance service and start the process of claiming financial support for your child :- childmaintenanceservice.direct.gov.uk/public/
Please don't get your hopes up too high. Just as you can't make him be a decent father and see his child, the system is not set up to make men pay for the children they father - it's very easy for them to get around.
Sorry you're going through this.

[bluebell34567]

he still has to pay for his child if he doesnt even see her. you can go legal ways for that.
about his visits to his child; he is playing up and doesnt look like he will be a steady figure in her life. never take the blame on yourself, it is his fault and it will be his loss.
he is out of both of yours lives. built a new, nice life for your self and your dd.

[Doyoumind]

Is he officially out of your life so that you are entitled to all the benefits as a single mother?

As PP said he has to pay maintenance whether or not he has contact. If he won't do it himself you can go through official channels.

If he is having contact you need an agreement about when it will happen. At the very least you need to agree how much notice is required to arrange a visit from him.

[Butterflykissess]

you can still get maintenance via the cms. does he work?

[Muddledmotherhood]

Hiya, thank you so much for your kind replies. Yes he is out of our life, he moved back to the midlands back in January 2017. I’m getting child benefit, child tax and income support. I currently live at my parents home, it was okay when my little girl only had a milk allergy but because we’ve had to cut out wheat, gluten, egg, soya, fish and nuts recently to see what else is the problem it’s been fairly expensive finding foods as they charge a fortune and to top it off she has sensitive skin and the only product I’ve found that hasn’t made her skin worse is the child’s farm range and that’s a little pricey too. I also have a couple of debts that I had before my little girl was born so I have to pay them off but that’s all, the majority of the money I get goes on my little girl apart from a little bit for my self care like deodorant, shampoo, conditioner and I obviously wouldn’t have it any other way as she will always come first.
He earns enough money to pay for her, he is a manager of a betting shop and works 14 hours a day and get £9.50 an hour so I know for a fact he has enough money. He just pretends he doesn’t which makes me cross, if I could work that many hours and get that much money I would do anything to give it all to my child and make sure she had the right stuff so I just don’t understand why he doesn’t want to help out.

[corlan]

It's good that he's employed. In that case, you have a good chance of getting him to help support your child financially if you go through the Child Maintenance Service.
Your last sentence made me sad. There are many thousands of men in this country that happily avoid paying to support their children. I don't understand it either - I think it may be beyond the understanding of any decent human being!

[Butterflykissess]

very good he works. you will get child maintenance. some men try to pull the whole "if i dont see the children then i shouldnt have to pay" ignore him, you made the child you pay for the child.