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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

First day at school and dealing with EA ex

37 replies

Hullabalooo · 06/06/2018 21:15

My DC starts school in September and my EA ex wants to be there on the day too. Of course he has every right to be there but I'm so scared of him I'm already dreading it and it's still months away.

Has anyone had to do this? Any solutions or what to do about managing the situation? I don't want my child's first day at school to be ruined for me by having to see his dad. Of course I could just not speak to him etc but his presence is enough to make me feel petrified and shaky. Dc wouldn't be aware of it as there wouldn't be any shouting or anything just an air of quiet menace towards me.

Quick backstory - I left a year ago because of his EA controlling and manipulative behaviour amongst other delightful things.

Please be kind.

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MollyDaydream · 06/06/2018 21:18

Could your ex do the first day and you do the second day?

Hullabalooo · 07/06/2018 03:37

Not really the same.

Also I have him the day he starts school as that's a day he'd be with me anyway.

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ADarkandStormyKnight · 07/06/2018 03:45

What do you think is best for your child? Their needs are paramount- it’s their first day at school and it’s vital that they don’t go in feeling upset or anxious.

September is still many weeks away so there is time to sort this.

maa9144 · 07/06/2018 03:57

My heart goes out to you. I went through this when my daughter who is now seven started kindergarten at age 5 . It was my day to have her and I took her to school and my ex was standing at the entrance. I let him greet her and then she came right back to me and I walked her to her classroom with him behind him. I completely ignored him. I did have my sister with me for support which was helpful. Do you have a family member who can go with you?. The whole encounter was uneventful. If he would have tried to make a scene I would have walked away.

MollyDaydream · 07/06/2018 09:24

Honestly the first day isn't that big a deal - presumably your child will have had visits beforehand and will just be going for a few hours and then you'll collect him?
If it makes it less stressful for everyone just let his dad do Monday, have your special moment on Tuesday - it really doesn't matter that much.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 07/06/2018 09:31

If you let him take her in the morning, you can pick her up and be the one to hear all her news.

Its not ideal but that way you'll both be there on her first day.

fortygin · 07/06/2018 10:16

I feel your pain op.
Just had first school event (sports day) since I chucked out EA cheating Exh last summer.
I was hard, I had a panic attack and I wanted to flee but I did it.
Keep the focus on your child and fuss over them.
These men love to play superdad at the big life events but do go. You have every right to be here just like he does.
I found it easier to earn the school when it happened so the teachers etc were aware of the dynamic but I understand you may not feel comfortable with that at a new school.
Good luck

fortygin · 07/06/2018 10:16

Sorry warn not earn

HollyGoLoudly · 07/06/2018 10:17

Could you take someone for moral support? It's quite common for grandparents/aunts/uncles to pop along on the first day too.

Starlight2345 · 07/06/2018 12:33

Can you meet him at gate? Then it is simply 5 minutes in the gate go in separate directions .

Hullabalooo · 07/06/2018 15:30

All good ideas and really useful. I imagine I'll be thinking about it constantly until then but will try to find some solution for it. Wish it didn't have to be like this. The stress is actually making my kidneys ache.

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Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 07/06/2018 15:33

Please don't be afraid to ask for separate parents evenings too. Make sure they send info to both of you that way you don't have to keep him updated /be accused of him missing things. School gets his number /email and he can remember for himself!!

averythinline · 07/06/2018 15:39

Yes tell the school there are issues.. however if he is on Birth certificate tehre is a limit...
practically do you know a few people that are starting - a friend went with a few friends all together ...or took grandparents/sibling etc

Although this level of anxiety is not sustainable please see about getting some counselling for yourself - it will impact your child they will feel that air of menace ......you have done well to get free so see it as getting tools to help...

Hullabalooo · 07/06/2018 21:45

I don't want to make too much of a fuss with the school though so I don't get labelled as either one of 'those' parents or a 'victim'. I did drop a letter in to go with dc file for reference so they are aware of it.

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Hullabalooo · 07/06/2018 21:46

Christ i hadn't even thought about parents evenings! How do they do them separately? Do they do different evenings in primary school?

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ADarkandStormyKnight · 07/06/2018 21:47

Schools have lots of experience in this sort of thing and can be very helpful.

Hullabalooo · 07/06/2018 21:47

I am getting dv support and some counselling but it's a slow process really. And in public he comes across as eminently reasonable good looking and charming which I feel just makes me look like I'm being hysterical.

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ADarkandStormyKnight · 07/06/2018 21:52

They will have seen that plenty and won't be taken in.

Hullabalooo · 07/06/2018 22:14

That's good to know. Wish it would all just go away!

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ADarkandStormyKnight · 07/06/2018 22:43

It’s horrible to have something like this hanging over you .

bubbles108 · 08/06/2018 05:11

And in public he comes across as eminently reasonable good looking and charming

If you stay in public with him and learn strategies to block out his underlying menace - wouldn't the 10 minutes of drop off at school pass relatively easily?

Hullabalooo · 08/06/2018 08:11

Thanks @adarkandstormynight xx

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Hullabalooo · 08/06/2018 08:13

@bubbles yes that would be helpful.. but the discrepancy between my experience and what's going on in public sends me a bit mental..I literally can never work out wtf is actually going on and it makes me feel mad.

And because he's so charming when he's not shouting at me in the street he's still doing the charm thing even occasionally at me which just freaks me out.

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RunningBean · 08/06/2018 09:56

My daughters 'first day' wasn't much of a big deal, she did 3 half days in July, then a week of half days so her first September day was another half day then her actual first full day was the next week so you'd have that alone if it's a similar set up.
Just meet him at the gate, walk in, say bye and leave you don't need to speak to him other than saying hi so your daughter doesn't pick up on any tension.

Hullabalooo · 08/06/2018 09:58

Thanks @runningbean

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