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Anyone else ever feel jealous of exes new life?

(13 Posts)
Wellyboots86 Wed 30-May-18 11:38:40

So xw and I divorced earlier this year after I discovered an ongoing affair.

Kids spend most of the time with me and if I’m not with them I’m at work. Wouldn’t want to change this as I love having my kids with me so much.

My issue is that I can’t help feeling jealous of her new life as she’s practically moved her new bf in with her, is going off on fun days out without the kids with him and then gets the kids at weekends whilst I’m stuck doing everything on my own and can’t remotely consider dating as would have no time to actually go out with work/life balance.

Is it normal to look at the other person’s seemingly perfect new life and think that I’m the one doing all the hard work with the kids etc whilst they get to be the fun parent and have a social life? I think some of it I should still the pain of the betrayal and misplaced feelings.

OP’s posts: |
pieceofpurplesky Wed 30-May-18 11:43:25

I think jealous is the wrong word. Exh rarely has DS overnight - think 3/4 Times a year unless on their annual 5 night holiday. I am a teacher and he takes perhaps one day at easter off to spend with DS. No time in half terms.
I envy his freedom and it annoys me on the day he has DS every week (sat 10-5) he has jobs that he does like hair cuts and food shopping - he has 6 other days for all that at DS is bored.
Yes he has a life and many new girlfriends - but I don't want what he has.

onanotherday Wed 30-May-18 15:30:17

Yes would love some freedom and headspace. But wouldn't want to spend time away from DS .. as for doing everything... no change there with or without him🙄

Kingsclerelass Thu 31-May-18 06:53:14

To be honest, no, I just feel relieved I haven’t got to be involved.

DottyBlue2 Thu 31-May-18 07:07:34

Your OP is full of contradictions. It sounds like you’re hiding behind your work & kids to stop you going out - is this for fear of another rejection?

My mother never invested in my life when I was a child. She made it plain that she prioritised other people over me and over the years I was always the fall back person to go to when her friends were busy. We have a zero relationship now and she is lamenting our lost Mother/Daughter bond. She used to criticise my cousin for driving his teenage boys around the country for high level rugby tournaments saying “I would never do that.” In my head I reply “yes, I know you wouldn’t.”

My cousin has a great bond with his now adult children.

My point is that children remember who was there for them - for the boring times, the shit times, the stressful times. They know who they can rely upon. They won’t always want a fun parent. They want a parent who they can sob over a shoulder and dribble snot on their parents jumper even when they’re 20 and had a bad breakup.

Be the rock for your kids now and you’ll find that in the future you’ll become the beacon that they always head home to.

And once your kids are older, you will find the time to find your new partner. Maybe you’re not in the right headspace now.

So, put the work in now and in 10 years time you’ll have your kids and a happy new life. And then, won’t your EX be jealous of you!

Long game, mate, long game.

onanotherday Thu 31-May-18 08:49:57

Dotty has it spot on... pardon the pun!grin
Go for the long game.. it will go quicker than you think.

My ex left for shiny ow and exciting life...world at his feet.. didn't give us a second thought.

We've picked ourselves up.. have a nice little house..dcs nearing leaving school.. I'm going back to university to do a post grad courses ..change of career.

Him bedsit miles away on benefit.. at 48 and no money he doesn't seek quite so attractive to all the ladieswink

takeittakeit Thu 31-May-18 10:50:42

Dotty and onanother - have it spot on.

Yes it does suck, as you sit their every evening with small DCS in bed, shit n the TV, not having a drink because you think you will look like a loser - cut off from a social life and just thinking nipping to the pub for one drink would be nice!!

However, 5 yrs down the line - the bond between my DCS and I, is cast iron. No I have not made every footy match and I have snuck in at the back to too many plays and made sure they have seen me because I also work to pay for our lives as feckless EX does not bother to contribute to their well being!

5 yrs on - Ex is now homeless ( renting) - still has good job but has had to re build his social life, family life and is trying to have a relationship with DCS - will give him his dues he is trying, but they are old enough now to see the BS for what it is.

I am incredibly lonely, scared to go on a date, work way too hard, hide my feelings from everyone and never admit to not coping- but my DCS know I am there for them and love them - that means so much going forward.

Mine are now becoming more independent - I can go out for a meal with some other mums and friends and they do not panic and nor do I - about once per month!!! It does improve but it is slow

Wellyboots86 Thu 31-May-18 12:25:32

Thanks everyone.

I wouldn’t say I’m hiding behind work and the kids out of fear of rejection. It’s more feeling jealous that I don’t have the opportunity as only way to get the time would be to spend less time with the kids which I would never do.

It’s been a rough few days and the flip side is seeing xw out and about carefree so that didn’t t help. Some days are a breeze on my own, others I don’t feel like I get 10 seconds to myself.

I promised myself at the start that the only thing that mattered was the kids happiness and if that meant being single for a few years as a result then fine. I want to be a rock for them in case things fall apart with their mum.

OP’s posts: |
takeittakeit Thu 31-May-18 22:16:37

Ex used to moan at me for hair, clothes, etc etc - I did point out to him that the first time I sat down was to take a piss and that was usually after they were all in bed!!

It is hard, mine swanned round the world, living in utopia until reality hit them hard.

YOu will be fine - it hurts but it does get better.

Justmuddlingalong Thu 31-May-18 22:20:23

Him and his partner are MLM reps. Soooo...
No. Not in the slightest. 😜

Wellyboots86 Thu 31-May-18 22:49:56

Had a nice evening. Ex has the kids tonight so went to see a film and just have a bit of me time. She took the boys out today with the bf and they just played her up all day so guess it’s not all roses after all!

Btw justmuddlingalong what on earth is an mlm rep?

OP’s posts: |
Itsjustmeandthee Thu 31-May-18 23:03:01

OP I feel jealous all the time (only recently separated for 9 months or so) and whilst we both work full time, and he is very good at seeing our LG I find it hard to think about how he is enjoying his life (feel like he’s reverted back to his 20’s) whilst I am stuck holiding the baby so to speak ! Little things like once she is in bed I can’t just nip out to the shops. It’s all becoming a bit more apparent recently whilst trying to book a holiday ! Scary prospect ! You are not alone and although jealousy is a crap emotion to have, you are only normal to feel like that. Apparently it does get better so I’ve been told, but I hear you !!! wink

paisleyblue Thu 31-May-18 23:09:15

Hang in there OP smile you're doing the right thing by your kids and that's the main thing

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