Teenager in trouble.

[slothcity]

Hi, I've name changed so that I can run away when you all tell me I'm a terrible parent.

I am a single mum to a 14 yr old boy. His D isn't really interested in parenting and has really let him down multiple times since our split when DS was 3. I work full time plus overtime shifts (laughable maintenance from exh £14/week) to make ends meet which sometimes they don't.

I've always felt the Mum guilt of having to leave him with his grandparents when I'm working and over the last 12 months or so have trusted him to stay at home for a few hours on his own. He achieves average results at school but is well liked by the teachers and I often get comments about him being a credit to me.

He's been quite fed up recently and has often commented that he hasn't any friends (he has 2/3 good friends and lots of people he knows to talk to) and that people at school tell him to kill his self. We've chatted about this at length and he knows how loved he is and that school isn't forever, the people he sees now aren't life-long friends.

This morning I received a call from school to say that DS has set up a fake Instagram account and asked 2 of his friends (who are girls) for naked pictures with the intent on framing the boys who have been bullying him. He knows all about internet safety and integrity following a previous incident where he recorded himself singing "dis" songs (as far as I can tell, rapping saying derogatory things about your friends as part of a "one-upmanship" kind of competition between them) which was also reported to the school. He was supposed to delete all online accounts following this but I have noticed Instagram creep back.

At the moment school haven't given him any sanctions but will be letting the parents of the 2 girl's know and will be dealing with the bullies.

So - how do I deal with this? I want to go batshit crazy but realise he's actually very fragile himself and needing support and boundaries. I really need to step it up as a parent and have looked at taking parental leave to spend some vital quality time with him but can't afford to have unpaid time off.

I wish I could get a second chance at being a proper mum to him 😢

Thanks for listening

[AjasLipstick]

Please don't blame yourself. Children today are navigating a highly complex world.

You're right not to go off at him. I would show him a lot of sympathy but speak honestly with him about his responsibility towards other people and their feelings.

Then make an appointment with his teacher or Head teacher and speak to them about people telling him to kill himself.

Does he have any hobbies OP? What's he "into"?

I have a 13 year old...so I do understand.x

[RickOShay]

I wish i could look you in the eyes now, imagine i am
It’s not your fault
It’s not your fault
It’s not your fault

He feels trapped and is making poor choices.
What are the school doing re the bullying?

[slothcity]

Thankyou for replying and being so kind.

School are going to speak to the boys who have been telling him to kill himself, they can't tell me who they are (it doesn't matter who they are really though does it?) but say it will be dealt with.

It's sad that DS has let his friends down (the girls - school also said they couldn't tell me who they were but he has 2 friends who he's particularly close to so I can guess) they seem like nice girls and always say hello to me if he's chatting online with them.

He's got 2/3 good friends who are boys but I only know 1 of them. DS didn't go to the local high school so hasn't known any of his friends since primary age. It was my choice not to send him to the local HS as it was in special measures and he would have struggled even more.

He's into football and plays for a team. One of the reasons he's decided not to see his D as much is that his D refused to take him to training/matches and prioritised his other children's/new wife's interests over his.

He also plays in a band and goes to cadets (this is so outing but heyho - anyone who knows me knows my situation).

It's easy to say it's not my fault but I work long shifts and am very tired even when I'm not working. I help my parents out as much as I can as well as my sister who has 2 children. My attention should be on my son and supporting him through the shark infested waters that is high school.

[AjasLipstick]

Right now, you need only to focus on your DS. Stop helping anyone else for the time being. Tell them that DS is having a hard time and you won't be available at all for some time.

You will at least have a little more energy then.x

[slothcity]

I wonder why kids think that a parent going into school is the worst thing that can happen to them? I knew last week that he was having a rough time and talked to him about going to see his learning mentor or form tutor who he has good relationships with. His mentor is off long term (I didn't know this) and he didn't want to go to his form tutor. I told him that I would go in to try to access some support for him but he begged me not to. I think a good parent would have ignored the pleas and gone anyway but I just let it get to this stage without stepping in to help him.

I'm worried that he'll not open up to me because he will have already made up his mind that I'll be furious and I'll get the standard "don't know" grunts. He used to be such a chatty boy 😢

[RickOShay]

Next time don’t tell him you are going into school. Does he not like his form teacher? Does he have a temporary mentor?
Keep on track of what the school are doing about the bully boys.
If you feel it is appropriate and would help ds you could suggest that he apologises to the two girls.
He probably feels guilty but might not know how to handle that.
Agree with trying to make a space for you and him, but please don’t go down the road of self blame, it will just damage both of you.

[RickOShay]

He will come back to you.
Keep the faith

[slothcity]

He does like his form tutor but they have quite a jokey/laddish relationship (PE teacher) and mainly just wind each other up about football.

No temporary mentor as I didn't even know his actual one one was awol so I need to speak to them about that.

I think I'll talk to him about apologising to the girls and hopefully building bridges as they do seem to be genuine friends (although the face that they reported him to school may mean things are irreparable). I'm worried about the girl's parents approaching me (I don't know them) or taking it further. I want to defend him but what he did was wrong.

I do hope you're right about him coming back to me. We've always been a good little team. I could do with 8 more days in the week - I've got my niece tomorrow (too late to let my sister down) although DS is at school anyway. We do have Saturday together but I'm then working 13 hours on Sunday and straight into 3 night shifts while he's on school holidays. I've got a micro break booked next weekend with him. No technology, just me and him and a tent.

[RickOShay]

Definitely say something to the form tutor, ds doesn’t need to know, you are not being disloyal doing this, the opposite.
If he can ds needs to apologise to the girls, you don’t want him to hate himself over this. There is power in saying sorry, release too.
If you can contact the girls’ parents, I would, you don’t need to defend him, rather explain the context.
Take heart. Dd is now 16, the light at the end of the tunnel is still a long way off, but at least i now believe it is there

[RickOShay]

Hope the sun shines on you both next weekend!

[slothcity]

I've had a talk with him. We sat down with a brew and just started at the beginning.

I was wrong about it being the girls he's very friendly with. It was 2 others whose names I have heard occasionally. We talked about supporting our friends and exploiting woman and all sorts of other things. He said he would never have opened the pictures had they sent them but I said that didn't matter. He does understand that potentially the police could be involved and quite rightly.

Something that worries me is that he is so angry about the things the bullies have said to him.

One of the issues was regarding something high-profile that I worked on recently and he mentioned at school what I'd been doing. Nobody believed him and even the class teacher said he was lying. He took in proof (a photo of my ID badge) and they wanted more proof - ie, a photo of the high profile person or an autograph. He said that would be inappropriate so they stopped believing him again. Apparently a lot of the nastiness stems from an Xbox game called fortnite. He says it's constant and his close friends know about it but safe scared to step in incase they get targeted too. He knows I've intervened before and things got sorted but he said he thought me going in would make things worse.

No shouting, only a few tears (sad ones, not angry ones).

So, Fortnite is deleted, instagram is deleted and he's going to apologise again to the girls (he's apologised already and one girl has accepted it, one hasn't. I've said to give it one last try and then leave her alone).

Still waiting to see what the school are going to do as way of punishment but I'll support them whatever they do as long as they deal with the bullies appropriately.

Blimey - teenagers are tricky 😓

[RickOShay]

Brilliant stuff. He needs to let that anger out though, not turn it inwards.
Keep on the school’s case about the bullies. Ask them what strategies they will be using to ensure it doesn’t happen again.
He might just have learnt a lesson, only tell real friends your triumphs.
He’s proud of you loud and clear, but his feelings should be shared with those he trusts.

[slothcity]

Yes, I'll definitely chase up about what's happening with the bullies - DS talked last night about trying to self harm with a broken ruler 😢 I've text his form tutor who is going to get all the appropriate people together and invite me in for a meeting.

Phone call from school this morning asking if it was ok if they got the school based police officer to speak to DS about internet safety. Hopefully it'll give him a gentle fright in the right direction. He was jumpy last night every time the door knocked as he thought it would be one of the parents of the girls.

Can't wait for him to come home to cuddle him - I think he's very relieved to be finishing for the holidays today.

[SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad]

What a terribly difficult situation, and it sounds as though you are handling it as well as possible.

Lots of good advice already (and you're doing the right things in any case - the chat with the Police is probably a very important part of that, to make sure the lesson sinks in about just how serious this is. I have to be honest and say that if this was one of my daughters, I'd probably want the book thrown at him, so he needs to understand that he's been lucky).

I would suggest he might benefit from some talking therapy. There's a huge amount for him to deal with here, nd he needs somebody to talk to. Not saying he can't talk to you, but a professional therapist is not emotionally invested, and he can be completely open with them. The school could probably help find someone.

With his Dad not being too involved, is there anyone else who can step in as a male role model? A favoured uncle, perhaps, or family friend? Someone who can take him out karting, hiking, fishing (whatever) and give him that role model.

Finally, I know you are (understandably) pushed for both time and money, so I guess there's something about how you get the best possible quality time together. Is there something that you love doing together, where he is more able to relax and open up while doing it?

Good luck. They're difficult years, especially for a boy who is a target for the popular kids, but with the right support he will come through it.

[slothcity]

Thanks, I'd completely understand if one of the parents wanted a whole library thrown at him. I wouldn't know how to help him but I would understand.

Male role models are tricky. His dad pretends to be the best dad on the planet but never puts him first. DS's Birthday was a couple of weeks ago and his dad completely ignored it and took his step son, younger son and new wife away to celebrate her birthday, deliberately excluding DS and then taunted him about missing out.

Years after my divorce I met someone who turned out not to be the great step parent he promised to be - he bullied and emotionally abused DS (and me) until we left 2 years ago. So, 2 males have given him the worst possible role modelling experience.

My Dad is amazing and so close to DS but he's elderly and his health means he isn't able to do the things a Dad would do for a teenage boy growing up.

He has a brilliant uncle who has more than enough on his plate with their 2 kids.

And that's it - no one else to guide him. It's me on the side of a football pitch shouting for him and me pitching a tent in the middle of nowhere with him and me getting muddy on bike rides with him. I draw the line at fishing!!