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Ex wants constant contact (& us to sell house)

28 replies

isobellini · 21/05/2018 06:06

Like every cliché in the book my husband found life with a child too hard and so a few weeks ago it seems went and picked up someone “uncomplicated” in a bar...

Long story short he agreed to have a baby with me 2 years ago, even though he wasn’t sure he wanted one as much as I did, but when I got pregnant right away changed his tune, claiming i had ruined our lives by getting pregnant (like i had done it on my own!). And he has been depressed and pretty selfish ever since. He does love our son but resents having a child, if that makes sense.

In recent weeks though this has really ramped up with him telling me how how he hated our life and how he had to leave for his “mental health”. And telling me I was a nagging bitch etc. And I was genuinely really worried he was having a breakdown, and was stupidly sympathetic and I promised to try etc. And then I found the texts from her “have you told your wife yet?” And he’d even sent photos of our 20 month old son to her, bragging about how lovely he is. Basically using our kid to help him pull. Urgh makes me want to throw up. Anyway we ended it last Tuesday.

But now he is saying he wants daily texts from me detailing how our 20 month old son slept, settled at nursery for the day, went down to sleep. As well as photos, videos, etc. He says he wants to see him two weekday evenings and one weekend day (and visitation has to happen at our house as he hasn’t found somewhere to be even semi-permanently yet). I feel like I’m trying to hold it all together for our child but my ex seems to want more contact than he had when he was living here! And the constant contact from him is absolutely slaying me emotionally too as I adjust to the realisation that the person I loved is a liar.

So my first question is - does he have the right to demand all this contact? If so any tips on how I manage it and don’t lose my marbles?

Secondly, he is saying he has nowhere to live and will need us to sell our house so he can buy somewhere that our son can visit him/stay with him.

But does he have the right to demand this? Nb. I don’t think it makes a difference but I paid the whole deposit on the house and have it in writing (email) he won’t come for that sum. But it has increased in value significantly since we bought it. So does he have a right to half the additional value of it?

Can’t effing believe he has turned my son’s and my lives upside down like this and is now making demands. ☹️ He’s a stupid and selfish person but not evil. And I do want our son to grow up knowing both parents. I just don’t know how I deal with daily contact while I hold things together, and while I’m contemplating moving out of the house that I effectively purchased for us.

Thanks in advance for advice. xx

OP posts:
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Graphista · 21/05/2018 06:15

The answer to both is no.

Legally it's the child that has the rights not the parent. How those rights are followed through varies.

Right now it is far too raw for you to have to be around him. So what is practical and possible in terms of him having contact away from your home? At 20 mths it's unlikely he'd get overnights either. So during the day there's really no reason why he can't take him to where he's living now (where is that though? Is it with her?) or to the park, soft play, swimming, family restaurant/cafe...

Is he paying maintenance?

The house will be sorted as part of the divorce DO NOT agree to ANYTHING especially in writing regarding finances until you've spoken with a GOOD lawyer.

The default Re finances is 50/50 BUT a home for your son with his primary carer (you) is also taken into consideration. Plus any other assets are in 'the pot' too so you may be able to negotiate eg you have no claim on his pension BUT you keep the house.

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Graphista · 21/05/2018 06:16

Meant to say I also suspect the requests for constant updates, pics, videos of your son are for ow benefit so he can continue to CLAIM to be a loving involved father.

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HarryLovesDraco · 21/05/2018 06:19

He lost the right to expect you to facilitate his relationship with his son when he cheated on you. So no, he doesn't get daily texts (fgs) or 3 times weekly visits at your house. He can take the child out, pay for a hotel etc. He must be staying somewhere?!

Also regarding the house he needs legal advice. You could look into the sums for remortgaging on your own and releasing what you believe is a fair sum of equity to him but don't promise him anything. Just do that for your own knowledge and planning.

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Sickoffamilydrama · 21/05/2018 06:23

Sorry for this difficult time.

You need proper legal advice, about splitting of your assets.

I'm not an expert but I don't think he can demand to have visitation within your home.

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Bobby1233 · 21/05/2018 08:34

I would suggest keeping contact with child completely seperate to everything else in your mind.
Legally, truth be told, you are in an excellent position, you are resident in the property and he has moved out, if he threatens you, non-molestation order. If he insists on coming to the property uninvited then an occupation order will keep him away.
One of the biggest considerations is [second to childs stable home] is can you afford the house by yourself? if you can then you have little to worry about. You definitely need a good solicitor for advice, and soon.
But again, good father or not, regardless of the motives you suspect, your child has a right to see both parents. A regular set schedule of contact is best, but no you dont have to update him on day to day care. The divorce proceedings will establish contact arrangements.

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Starlight2345 · 21/05/2018 11:20

I agree no to daily updates . Contact depends how you feel . What bond he has with child . How child will feel been away from you .

Legal advice on house .

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Guiltypleasures001 · 21/05/2018 11:45

He's pushing for 4 nights a week, that might mean he doesn't have to pay maintenance ?

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Rapunzel15 · 21/05/2018 13:06

He sounds like an absolute twat! Until you have some sort of court order, fit him in around what works best for you and your son. To suddenly be away from you that much at such a confusing time for a young child could prove very detrimental

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Rapunzel15 · 21/05/2018 13:07

Also if he resents having a child so much, why does he even want all that contact? Id definitely be questioning his motives

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FoxySamanthaPetersonTheCat · 21/05/2018 18:19

It’d be a no from me on both counts. Even if my ex was the most reasonable person on the planet (he’s actually a fucking cunt) I still wouldn’t facilitate contact in my home. He wants to parent your child he needs to hurry up and find somewhere to live that’s suitable to have his child visit.

The constant updates are a no as well. As he plans to see the child 3 times a week he doesn’t really need daily updates anyway. You could get a second phone for contact with him and when you don’t want to be in contact you can switch it off. This is what I do (my ex is abusive though so isn’t getting my regular number ever).

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FoxySamanthaPetersonTheCat · 21/05/2018 18:23

Rapunzel I always assume with fathers like this the motive is money related. In their mind the more time they spend with their child the less child support they have to pay.

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rainingcatsanddog · 21/05/2018 18:52

He seems to be angling for more than 50% so OP will have to pay him maintenance.
He is taking the piss and wouldn't get more than 50% in court. (Contact certainly wouldn't be at your house. Collecting from your house is the closest he'll get to entering the property)

You don't have to send updates unless there's an emergency like medical reasons.

He is entitled to a percentage of the house since you were married. (Even if it's only your name on the deeds) You'll need legal advice on what percentage though.

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viques · 21/05/2018 18:58

Can you use a contact centre if there is no SS involvement?Asking because I honestly don't know. Otherwise he will have to find a soft play or similar where he can take your son. ( and his food, bottles, buggy, nappies, wipes etc etc)

Contact at your home is making it too hard for you and too easy for him. If he wants to be a dad he needs to put some effort into it.

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Bobby1233 · 21/05/2018 19:38

Oh God I’m done with this horrific site.
If you can’t put your children first then imagine this, your sons grow up and have children of their own but a spiteful ex believes your grandchild belongs to her, you and your son are excluded. When your sons lose their home, their family, their children and with no hope, contemplate suicide, will you have some empathy then?
Clearly you hate your ex’s more than you love your children.

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Butterymuffin · 21/05/2018 19:42

Bobby shame the dad in this situation didn't put his child first. He didn't do that when shagging around and his demands now don't show concern either, just an interest in looking as if he's playing the right role.

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OrchidInTheSun · 21/05/2018 19:43

Bye Bobby! Don't let the door hit your arse on the way out!

No you don't have to provide daily updates but more than anything GET YOURSELF TO A SOLICITOR.

Don't agree to anything. Find out where you legally stand. Just ignore all requests until you've had legal advice. A cost that makes you gulp now will save you £££ in the future

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PositivelyPERF · 21/05/2018 19:48

Bobby1233

Oh boo hoo! This man has treated his wife like shit and his child as an inconvenience, until it suited him to use the child for his own benefits. She’s not stopping him from FINALLY being a father, but she doesn’t need to sacrifice her own mental well being to keep him happy.

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Imchlibob · 21/05/2018 19:55

The child has a right to a thriving relationship with their dad.

Your ex does not have any right to access your phone or make you run round after him facilitating his daddy status.

He can have reasonable levels of contact away from your home, going to parks/libraries/museums if he can't go to his digs. No overnights yet obviously.

You get to get on with your life without him.

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Imchlibob · 21/05/2018 19:56

Sorry it autocorrected "home" to "phone" for some reason. He does not have any right to access your home.

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Greggers2017 · 21/05/2018 20:00

Yes he's a twat and he's hurt you but now is the time to be the bigger person and put the child first. What is wrong with a text a day? Me and ex have been doing this for over 5 years.
Also two evenings and one weekend day is nowhere near 50% access so if you are bothered about the money it won't affect it. I still have maintenance and my ex has them every weekend.
I know it hurts but you have the chance to have the moral high ground here.

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FoxySamanthaPetersonTheCat · 21/05/2018 20:04

ODFRO Bobby Hmm

I do love my kids more than I hate my ex and they are my main concern, but I’m certainly not going to fall over myself to make his life easier. It does the ex no favours for a start. Clear boundaries have to be drawn up and in my opinion, the NRP having contact at the RP’s Home is not a good idea for anyone especially the child.

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Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 21/05/2018 20:06

What is wrong with a text a day? Me and ex have been doing this for over 5 years.
That’s great if it works for you, but it is not a ‘right’ to demand when it doesn’t. The way to get a good working relationship between ex partners so they can parent effectively is for both to desist from being an arse. OP’s ex sounds like he hasn’t mastered that yet.

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NameChanger22 · 21/05/2018 20:17

You don't have to do anything he wants. Tell him to get his act together, when he's got a place sorted his son can visit him. DO NOT SELL YOUR HOUSE for this loser.

Try to be as emotionally detached from him as possible. He's a typical man baby. He's probably going to use all the tricks on the book to control you and make your life miserable, do not rise to any of it and ignore him where possible. Sort out contact through a third party, if you can't deal with him. Make sure he's paying maintenance and he knows his responsibilities. You're going to have to get tough. In time you will realise that you and your son are much better off without him.

I've been through a very similar situation to you OP. We're on the other side of it now and life is good. Wishing you all the best.

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SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 22/05/2018 14:41

Sorry to hear you've been through such crap - it sounds awful, and the guy sounds like a total douche. It must be hard, and that makes it tough to do the right thing at this point. But it's vital to try.

To that end, can I suggest that you're asking the wrong question. You are asking about whether he has the right to make these demands. The truth is, both he and you can demand whatever either of you likes. But this isnt about either of you (including whether or not it is hard for you to have continuing regular contact with your ex).

The only question that matters here is "what's in the best interests of the child?". That's it. Not what he's done (shitty as that sounds). Not what he feels you've done (and I'm sure he'd have plenty of complaints too - justified or not). Just that one thing - the best interests of the child.

Everything else needs setting to one side. All of it. It doesn't mean you can't feel the hurt. It doesn't mean you aren't right to feel betrayed. But it does mean that none of that is even remotely relevant when deciding how to handle access etc.

So, is it in the best interests of your child to have plenty of access to his Dad? Nothing you have said suggests that his Dad presents a risk, and so the answer is unequivocally "yes". Two weekday evenings and one weekend day is not unreasonable at all. It's less than 50%. Your child does have a right to a meaningful relationship with his Dad, and this doesn't feel like an unreasonable request. By all means, you may harbour private doubts about whether his Dad will keep that level of contact up for the long term. But those need to stay private - it isn't for you to try and limit access just because you feel like his Dad is trying harder now than he did before.

None of that means it has to happen in your home. In fact, I'd say that's a bad idea as it will not be a positive environment for your son if the house is full of tension during those visits. But again, as you talk through the practicalities, try to be guided by what's best for your son - not what's best for you.

On texts, some form of daily contact isn't unreasonable. That's good co-parenting - keeping each other informed about the small daily stuff can help ensure you both stay in touch with the little details of your son's life. Personally, I think it's important for a child to have unfettered access to either parent - mine is a 50:50 arrangement, but the kids speak to the other parent every day no matter who they're with. And that's good for them. But theres no need for multiple updates every day, unless the child is ill or something. Best interests of the child, again.

I'm not going to get into the money stuff - that's for the lawyers. But now is your chance to get a constructive co-parenting relationship in place - even though it means setting aside all the hurt.

Some of the advice you're being given on here may not be coming from a good place. Dads are not second class parents, who have to accept the crumbs of parenting time or be dictated to by the mum about what access they will be allowed. Please don't be one of those mums who tries to use the child to punish their ex - that is deeply damaging to any child (and actually a form of child abuse). You don't sound like you want to go down that path, so - hard as it is - now is the time to start working for a constructive co-parenting relationship. That does mean facilitating a relationship with your shared son. But it also means setting and enforcing healthy boundaries.

Good luck.

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NameChanger22 · 22/05/2018 16:26

SlightlyMisplaced - your advice is all good, sound advice WHEN you are dealing with a reasonable person. Most of the time women are not. Sorry, I've seen it time and time again. I agree the OP should give her ex the benefit of the doubt and facilitate his needs and wants, but if he relinquishes his responsibilities how long should she bend over backwards for him?

OP - don't sell your house whatever you do, your son needs a stable place to live. Let the ex have as much contact as he wants once he has a secure place for your son to stay, but if he starts letting you and your son down, he will have to lose some of his rights. Sort out maintenance right from the start as a priority, don't be a pushover regarding this. Lots of dads think they should have all the rights but none of the responsibilities.

It is about doing what's best for your son, not what's best for your cheating, no-good ex.

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