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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Unsettled daughter when coming home from dads

24 replies

Bedgesullivan · 12/05/2018 18:13

Just looking for abit of advice

Me and my LO’s dad aren’t together. He has been at weekends only and VERY rarely sees her during the week. He never has her over night.
When she’s been coming home from his at the weekend she is extremely unsettled, upset and tired. If you know my child you know she is very mellow rarely tantrums and this behaviour is completely out of character.
I put it down to the fact that he lets her sit in the house all day and can only presume doesn’t have much social contact with her.
Has anyone had any similar experiences? How can I make him take her out and do things with her without sounding controlling?

OP posts:

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Starlight2345 · 12/05/2018 18:37

Out of character behaviour is quite common when they return from contact.

I would change what you can get her in the garden / park as soon as she is home

NorthernSpirit · 12/05/2018 18:59

You can’t ‘make him’ take her out. That’s really controlling. What he does on his time has nothing to do with you and you can’t dictate or control (just like he can’t ‘make’ or dictate to you).

bastardkitty · 12/05/2018 19:01

It's not 'controlling'. It's what he should be doing. But he can't be forced to be a decent dad.

C0untDucku1a · 12/05/2018 19:03

Yoy cant make him be anything orher than a shit father sadly

PrettyLovely · 12/05/2018 19:06

How old is she? How do you know what he does in his time with her? Only my stepchild used to tell his mother that he didnt do anything when he came over to ours which wasnt true as we took him out all the time always busy doing lots of fun stuff. She said he would always say 'nothing' when asked but then if she took him somewhere the next weekend sometimes he would say I went here last week. (With us)

Bedgesullivan · 12/05/2018 20:44

Because he tells me they do nothing..... my daughter tells me she does nothing. She comes home like a zombie as if she has been sat in front of a tv all day.
No I agree that I can’t tell him what to do. As I’ve done that in the past and got me absolutely no where.
It actually does has something to do with me. I’m her mother. If she comes home in these horrendous moods I have a right to know what she has been doing.

OP posts:

NorthernSpirit · 12/05/2018 20:51

A judge would tell you you have no right to know what goes on on dads time.

My OH’s EW tried to pull this (and we do do stuff, she tried to dictate). A judge told her it has nothing to do with her.

You have to let the control go. Does he interfere on your time? Tell you what to do?

bastardkitty · 12/05/2018 20:56

He tells her FFS. Can you read?

NorthernSpirit · 12/05/2018 21:04

@Bastardkitty - doesn’t matter what the dad tells her. He can do what he wants on his time. And a judge woukd say this. Woukd you like it if he told you woukd you did when a child is in your care? I doubt it.

Bedgesullivan · 12/05/2018 21:10

I look after my daughter 7 days a week. Put her to bed every night, he has NONE of these responsibilities apart from having her for 6 hours Saturday and Sunday. Out of his choice. So yeah I do believe I have a right to know what is going on. I am the parent that is solely there for her.

OP posts:

Bedgesullivan · 12/05/2018 21:12

And if it is going to change my daughters behaviour, spirit and character damn right it has something to do with me!

OP posts:

NorthernSpirit · 12/05/2018 21:13

You don’t have a ‘right’. Any judge woukd tell you this if it went to court. You can appeal to his good nature, that’s it.

A child has 2 parents and is made from both of you. Just because you are the RP doesn’t make you in charge or have control.

VileyRose · 12/05/2018 21:19

I would have to agree with northern. A judge told me the same and I don't agree but it's the truth.

LuckyTwiglet · 12/05/2018 21:19

Bedgesullivan I sympathise. What if she started a regular activity or hobby that happened to be at the weekend, that he would have to either pick her up from, take her to, or both?

bastardkitty · 12/05/2018 21:36

It has everything to do with the mum. The family court is an ass.

NorthernSpirit · 12/05/2018 21:54

@Bastardkitty - why does it have everything to do with the mum? Kids are made from 2 people, not 1. Do you think thatcdads should have no say? Mothers would be up in arms if dads dictated and told mums what to do.

I’ve seen this in action - a controlling mum who tried to dictate what the dad could do, who he could introduce the kids to. Thank goodness the family court saw sense (who you describe as an ass). I can only imagine you are a mum who has been to court and hasn’t got their own way? Kids have 2 parents - one isn’t in charge!

Last time my OH’s EW tried to pull a stunt the judge told her that if he would take the children off her and they would live with the dad. I wounder how she woukd feel if she couldn’t speak to her own kids or wasn’t allowed to see them for weeks on end because she had decided. Kids have 2 parents - let him get on with it.

egginacup · 12/05/2018 21:57

My DD went through a phase of being very unsettled/ moody the first evening back from being with her dad, and still does occasionally. Nothing to do with him or what they were doing (other DC always absolutely fine) it’s just the change that unsettled her. I think that’s quite normal.

Bedgesullivan · 12/05/2018 22:01

I’ve never been to court. This ‘controlling’ mother agreed times ammicably and days for her to see him as I want him to be involved.
He has a girlfriend, never argued about him introducing her to him, actively encouraged it so they’d get her out of the house.
I’m far from controlling, I just don’t enjoy seeing my daughter coming home pretty much like a zombie! So yeah I will suggest and ask what they’ve been doing. If that makes me a controlling mother then good!!!
I asked for suggestions about how to help him get out and do things.
So thanks for your advice.

OP posts:

Starlight2345 · 12/05/2018 22:01

@nothern your situation is not the same . By the sounds of op child is spending 12 hours a day sat in front of the Tv. To me this is shit parenting nrp or rp. Not as a one off every visit . It isn’t he has to take her here or there play a game, play in garden , read a book.

Legally a judge might say none of her business but morally another matter.

However reality op you are going to have to tread carefully to get what dc needs.

cestlavielife · 12/05/2018 22:04

If it s during the day why don't you arrange to drop her off hand her over at the park or library or soft play so he has to be at the park with her at least when they meet ? Would he object ? Or take her out first then drop her off 2 til 8 .
But ultimately you can't make him be a better parent. His time his gig.why is it every day and sun ?

cestlavielife · 12/05/2018 22:05

Ok said it's six hours sat and Sunday. Presumably 6 hours each day. So might be say 10 to 4 pm . She can still go run around after.

Bedgesullivan · 13/05/2018 11:21

Yeah that isn’t a bad idea! I do try to do this but with work etc it’s hard

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Lfagan1991 · 15/05/2018 13:44

Yes very similar experience I am not with my daughters Dad but I gave him a chance once and she came back with puffy eyes and looked very upset on her return. Maybe make suggestions she likes this she likes that gently . It’s hard I no

FTMum2016 · 15/05/2018 20:03

My daughter is exactly the same when she returns from her dads, she only sees him on a Saturday and never during the week anymore. She comes home and screams blue murder, won’t eat her tea and won’t sleep properly. He does take her on days out so I don’t think it’s that I just think it’s change in routine, she’s nearly 2 so she won’t have worked out yet that she goes to daddy’s every Saturday x

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