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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Divorce and property issues

30 replies

Karmelita · 30/04/2018 16:46

My husband and I are separating (his decision, not mine). I'm thinking of selling the house (fully paid out by now) and use my share of the sale proceeds (plus some of my savings) to get myself and my DD someplace smaller to live in. I'm doing that partly because I'm not sure I'll be able to maintain it (the roof needs regular repairs, then there's general upkeep, taxes, etc) and partly because it's too big for DD and me. And I never quite liked it, anyway.
My STBX argues I am being unreasonable since the cost savings won't be significant if I move to a smaller property (and he is probably right). He thinks I should keep the house, he will let me have it if I buy out his share of the property.
I thought I was pretty sure I want to sell and move, but now I feel I'm in two minds. Again. Am I really being unreasonable and about to trade bad for worse?

OP posts:

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NorthernSpirit · 30/04/2018 19:26

How are you going to buy him out? What share of the equity woukd he get? He can’t force you to stay and he can’t force you to buy him out. If he likes the house so much get him to buy you out.

Brakebackcyclebot · 30/04/2018 19:28

Work out what YOU want, regardless of what he wants. You decide where you want to live now. Is he very domineering?

Karmelita · 30/04/2018 20:51

He's not domineering, at least not overtly. It's that during the 17 years of our marriage he had been in charge of many, if not all, major decisions. I looked up to him so, that when he was happy with something, I was happy, too. I am really struggling with figuring out what it is that I want now. Plus he has a way with me, casually and in a "friendly" manner dropping subtle hints about me making a blunder and this really drives me nuts and makes me go in circles.

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Brakebackcyclebot · 01/05/2018 12:55

It's no wonder you're struggling - your happiness has been so intertwined with his that it must be challenging to really understand where his happiness stops, and your own starts. That makes figuring out what YOU want tricky, as you find yourself looking to him for your cues? It sounds like he also then undermines any decisions you have made, but questioning your ability to make decisions.

Do you have a strong support network around you? Friends? Family?

What does your gut say? If you close your eyes, where do you see yourself in 6 months/a year? Do you have a picture of your ideal sofa in your ideal lounge? Or your ideal bed in your ideal bedroom? Are they where you are living now, or somewhere else?

What's the worst that could happen? What's the best that could happen?

You could have a new home, that belongs just to you, that doesn't need lots of repairing, in which you can start again as a new person.

Brakebackcyclebot · 01/05/2018 12:56

BY questioning your ability.... that was meant to say

Karmelita · 01/05/2018 17:59

Brakebackcyclebot, thank you! you've got some helpful tips here. I'll work on the visualizing thing. And think over the worst outcome (and how bad it can turn out to be).
My family - mum, dad and auntie, all in their 70ies, - live very far from me. I do have a couple of very supportive friends, though.
Family and friends all agree that I should move out. It's this house, despite the difficult upkeep, that is holding me back. When I think how hard we had worked to make it habitable and comfortable...

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Karmelita · 01/05/2018 19:38

Ah, and the primary reason I want to move out is that the house faces a noisy street and it is bloody cold in winter (though very pleasant to be in in summer). Insulation did not help much. Something's wrong with the heating system, and to fix it will cost a fortune. STBX never minded the cold, he was comfortable with low temperatures.

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Brakebackcyclebot · 01/05/2018 19:40

It sounds like you know really..... Listen to your gut. Don't overthink it....

RandomMess · 01/05/2018 19:42

For some reason he doesn't want you to sell (wonder if he'll treat it like "his") it's clear you sensibly want something cheaper and easier to maintain!!

Most of all you don't like the house choose something you love, it will be YOUR new home and fresh start

seventh · 01/05/2018 20:40

Sell or he can buy you out

I'd make sure you have a good solicitor

Seems to me , that this STBEX is a bit slimy and tricky

TheBlueDot · 01/05/2018 21:07

How would you buy him out? Would you need a mortgage?

Are you financially better off selling the house and moving somewhere smaller and easier to maintain, with either no or a small mortgage?

If he thinks the house is so great, why isn’t he asking to buy out your share?

Being cynical... is he thinking that you buying his share will get him more money than the house being sold to a stranger? You might pay him based on a value that you’d struggle to get on the open market (it’s stagnant around here). Plus there’d be no estate agent fees. so he might be financially better off if you bought his share off him.

Karmelita · 02/05/2018 04:49

I think I am being sensible wanting someplace smaller and easier to maintain (and warmer, too, - I hate the cold!). STBX decided he would rent (he's pretty well-off) an apartment right next to his office (he's a workaholic).
I suspect TheBlueDot has hit the nail on the head - the market is down here, too, and the appraisal may turn out to be much more optimistic than the actual market value.

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bastardkitty · 02/05/2018 05:32

Obviously the point of divorcing is that what your ex thinks no longer has any bearing on your life decisions. You are very clear why you want to move and it sounds well thought out to me. I would assume he is pushing you in this direction because it will be the quickest route for him to get his money. I am glad every single day that the family home was sold and me and DCs had a fresh start in our own place. Stick to your guns. It's not his decision to make.

TheBlueDot · 02/05/2018 21:19

I'd sell and move somewhere smaller and warmer.

It's a fresh start for you, as kitty says.

Karmelita · 03/05/2018 04:48

Thank you, mumsnetters! I indeed needed a third (and a fourth, and a fifth :)) opinion. These are hard times for me. I worry about the future and I'm afraid of making a blunder. And I don't have the right to make mistakes, not this time.

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MooseBeTimeForSpring · 03/05/2018 05:17

Sell and buy somewhere else. Even though you will be divorced he’ll always see it as being his home.

You’ll have your own place and he can’t impact that in any way.

whereiwanttobe · 03/05/2018 05:34

I'd definitely sell up and buy something you want. My ex would always 'persuade' me that his was the sensible way of doing things, but the joy of choosing my own place to live, and then furnishing it my way rather than his was incredible!

I made some mistakes of course - like buying a cream sofa instead of the very practical dark red one he had talked me into in our shared home, which I had to replace very quickly after the kids had wrecked it - but I still love looking around my warm, comfy, welcoming, light-filled house and on the rare occasion that I go to his dark, depressing, cold house I know that I did the right thing.

Brakebackcyclebot · 03/05/2018 20:13

I worry about the future and I'm afraid of making a blunder. And I don't have the right to make mistakes, not this time

Don't be afraid to follow what your heart wants. What's the worst that can happen?

Not sure what you mean about not having the "right" to make mistakes? I don't like to look at anything as a mistake, I prefer to see more of a learning opportunity. :-)

Karmelita · 03/05/2018 20:37

This house, the amount of time and money invested in it, is holding me back. And now, when it's warm and sunny, it is so easy to forget about dismal and cold winters spent here, and the leaking roof. My mind remembers the good things - our friends staying over with their kids, my parents coming to visit and staying for a fortnight, DD's princess-style balcony,
But then, in ten years' time, my DD will be a university student and I don't see myself living in the big empty house on my own.

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Lonecatwithkitten · 04/05/2018 07:00

I sold the big old draughty house and bought myself a lovely snug new house.

Cost savings

Lower council tax.
Energy bills are lower as house is more efficient so I am warmer for less money.
Smaller garden less up keep costs me less money.
Lower water bills as everything is low water usage.
I reduced my mortgage in the move.

I would move it was really cathartic for me as it was my fresh start on my own.

Ex hated it as it closed the door on him feeling I was still living the life he wanted me to.

bastardkitty · 04/05/2018 08:12

Ex hated it as it closed the door on him feeling I was still living the life he wanted me to.

^ this. Mine was an abusive relationship and when I moved in I also decided he was never coming in our new home.

Mumknowsbest6 · 04/05/2018 08:15

I agree with selling, I felt such a sense of achievement buying my house after selling our jointly owned property, it felt as if I had cut the last tie to him and moved on with my life.

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FinallyHere · 04/05/2018 08:55

While it might not seem so now, the brilliant part of separating, is that, from now on, you get to decide, well, everything. It sounds like a frightening feeling, but it also sounds as if your soon to be ex isn't all that kind, anyway. Trying to decide when you have someone unkindly jeering at you, is a very different thing to only answering to yourself. You might find you quite like that

And I never quite liked it, anyway.

Why are you even for a moment considering staying in a house which is too cold to be comfortable for you, where you can see potential for hugh bills for the roof. Go and have a look at some smaller, nicer places to live, to see what you might have instead.

@Karmelita your future is going to be great

Karmelita · 04/05/2018 19:29

It is decided, then. I will sell. As an old friend of mine has put it, "no matter which decision you make, there'll be plenty of reasons to regret it, however, the never-ending negative experience and living in the past is much worse than troubles that come and go".

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RandomMess · 04/05/2018 19:34

Thank goodness for that! Enjoy the house hunting

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