Too dependant on child

[lostparent99]

This is going to be hard to write and I'm expecting all sorts of judgement but if that accompanied with help then it's more than welcome.

Ds1 is 11, I have two other pre school children and I'm not coping. After a horrible separation from their father I am lost and my poor ds1 is getting a crap deal because of this.

I am struggling to keep with with everything, from housework to looking after the babies. I am too reliant on ds1, I force him to help me clean the house or look after the babies whilst I do so. He makes bottles when I'm changing them, changes them whilst I'm tidying, entertains them whilst I cook etc.

I'm treating him like he's the co parent and I get frustrated with him too easily and have started becoming a parent I don't recognise.

I need some help stopping this behaviour, I'm in no way physically abusive but I feel I may be deemed emotionally abusive. I'm not sure. But I want to change and need some help.

I've been to the doctors and have been referred for an ADHD consultation and an anxiety assessment but this is a very slow process.

Can someone offer any advice? He is such a wonderful child and I'm taking advantage of this.

[privateporcupine]

Well, I hope you won’t be judged. You’ve recognised things aren’t right and asked for help. That’s a good thing, not something to be given a hard time over.

What age are your wee ones? Any nursery time on the horizon?

How much is your DS doing? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with him helping out, to an extent. There’s only DS13 and I in our house and he has is expected to regularly help out with hoovering, dishes, dusting.

How about you have a set list of small jobs, like the above, that he does? Discuss them with him and agree them.

What do you get frustrated by?

Your wee ones won’t be wee forever. And as they get bigger, they can have their own little jobs to help out. Explain that to him and show him regularly that you appreciate very much what he does for you and his siblings. He sounds like a smashing little boy.

Not sure of what outside help might be appropriate, but someone better placed to advise you will hopefully be along soon.

Chin up, plod on. It will get easier

[Starlight2345]

No judgement .

Not sure why been assessed for ADHD but my Ds has it and I know for him organising us an issue.

I would get a big wipe board and list what you need to do , some will be daily bottles
Some check if needed doing
Some weekly out the bins out.

Do things that make orgasing easier .

My ds(11) is expected to help in the house but do make sure he has his time too.

Recognise this has been a big change for you but also for him.

You have recognised it is unbalanced that is an important step.

[Cricrichan]

I don't think it's a problem that ds1 entertains his siblings whilst you do housework and also helps out with housework! Just make sure that he realises you appreciate it and h gets free time too. In a few years, the younger two will have to pull their weight too and it will do them no harm. I think a lot of kids do too few chores and instead sit on their bum demanding stuff whilst wasting half their lives on electronic devices.

[PaulMorel]

I don't see any problem with your child helping with the house works as long as you're still able to give them time for what they love to do.

[HappyLollipop]

Many children help out with their younger siblings and take on some household chores it's called responsibility which is great so I actually don't see what's wrong with that as long as he gets his own time and knows you love him but I suspect you've realised he's getting too little of his own time and your beginning to burden him so can't you just give him more space and time out to do what he wants?

[MrsDilber]

The positive way to look at it is that he's is going to be such an organised and capable young man. I swung the other way with my DS21 and he's hopelessly disorganised. I did him no favours.

There is a middle ground I'm sure.

[NorthernSpirit]

Agree there is a middle ground, it’s good to give children responsibility. I have 2 DSC (soon to be 10 & 13). They can’t do anything for themselves (and I mean anything, mum does everything for them). They can just about get themselves a drink of squash!

I am trying to give them responsibility and ask them to help out but they think everyone else should do it for them.

Your son sounds like such a good boy. Make sure you tell him how grateful you are and give him time to be a kid as well.