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What do I say to DD re why she isn't seeing her dad

(14 Posts)
Soopermum1 Sun 22-Apr-18 08:51:23

DD is 4. DS is 14. Ex has seen the kids, without any particular routine, on average about once a week for a few hours. There have been breaks in contact during that time (last couple of years)

So after his latest demand was rejected (that I have to take the kids to wherever he designated to meet them) he hasn't been in contact at all for about 2 months. DS has seen him a little but even that contact has tailed off.

DD keeps asking when she'll see Daddy. I've just been telling her he's sick, which was true the first time he didn't see her, I've just kept the explanation going.

When is the right time to close that door? Rather than keeping her hanging on, and what should I say to her? I still hope, for her sake, that he'll see sense. Or is my explanation OK for the next few months?

OP’s posts: |
NorthernSpirit Sun 22-Apr-18 08:55:35

It’s not up to you to ‘shut the door’ on contact. It’s your role to facilitate. Dad might be bring a dick, but it’s up to him.

Your son is 14 and has a mobile I presume? Does he have any phone contact with dad? At 14 he’s old enough to decide for himself.

Aprilmightbemynewname Sun 22-Apr-18 08:59:35

Actually it isn't up to an exw to be a taxi and enable a lazy twat. ....

negomi90 Sun 22-Apr-18 09:00:33

Tell the truth, you don't know when she see him.

Soopermum1 Sun 22-Apr-18 09:01:15

Yes DS can communicate with ex and they have in the past but that appears to be dwindling. Agreed DS can and does make up his own mind so has met ex in town, on his own a couple of times since.

What do I say to DD? Do I just keep saying her dad's sick?

OP’s posts: |
Soopermum1 Sun 22-Apr-18 09:03:45

I've pretty much said I don't know when she'll see him next because he's sick, but she keeps asking regularly sad

OP’s posts: |
Starlight2345 Sun 22-Apr-18 10:34:13

My ds stopped seeing his dad at 3 . I basically said along the lines of I didn’t know and that his dad had to get in touch with me to arrange contact. He never did but at least my Ds knew I was honest with him . You are currently not been honest to protect your ex but damaging your relationship.

Aprilmightbemynewname Sun 22-Apr-18 11:43:56

Tbh I would stop saying he is poorly or she will start to worry and the fuckwit doesn't deserve her concern.
Maybe tell her not everyone has a df around regularly but he will see her when he can. And that he is still her df wherever he is.

megletthesecond Sun 22-Apr-18 11:49:11

Don't tell her he is poorly anymore. She'll worry if it goes on too long.
Tell her he's being silly and decided not to be part of a family at the moment.

And don't facilitate contact with an idiot.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand Sun 22-Apr-18 19:16:55

I'd say that you'll let her know when he texts or calls you back.

DaisysStew Sun 22-Apr-18 19:28:38

Just be honest and say you don’t know. My dad used to do this and by the time I was 7 I had the measure of him and was pretty much done. Why should you keep making excuses when he hasn’t bothered in 2 months? Poor kid sad

StrongerThanIThought76 Mon 23-Apr-18 06:54:35

At 4 she's not old enough to understand the whole truth but she IS old enough to be told that you don't know. That it's up to daddy when she'll see him next and you'll let her know when he agrees (mutually acceptable) plans.

It took me a lot of counselling to be able to redirect that responsibility back to my ex.

Soopermum1 Tue 24-Apr-18 16:33:41

Thanks for the wise words, folks. I think I'll use some of these ideas the next time she brings it up

OP’s posts: |
Smeddum Tue 24-Apr-18 16:34:52

It’s your role to facilitate

No, I think you’ll find that’s HIS job. Not OPs.

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