Reassurance and advice please(15 Posts)
So I'm new and really need some Reassurance or advice basically tell me what you think.
I've had my 3 yro son living with me full time for the last 2 months, he's been placed with me due to social services being unhappy with certain things my ex has done etc (don't want to divulge details but it hasn't been great) currently going through all the shaninigans of getting full custody and allowing her access and contact as often as she would like as long as it's supervised until things change (he's pretty much been living with me for the last 10 months)
Now basically I've had a new partner for the last 4/5 months and things are fantastic I've known her 8 years and we've basically decided to move out of the friend zone (me and ex been split now over 2 years) things have obviously progressed and it's not fling or relationship that's going to be over in the next 2 or 3 years we are in it for the long haul, before our relationship began DS had met her as a friend of daddies etc, and has met her since.
Now this is the part I'm worried about my ex over the last 12 months has had 7-10 different fellas all of which DS has met while they slept over, now I really would like my partner to stay with me for a weekend, my DS has asked when she has been over in the evenings if she could stay and he could see her in the morning but due to what's happened with mum I haven't wanted to risk him (even at 3) thinking bad of daddy, so have been saying no, (my partners been amazing and understanding being a mum herself has gone with my decisions) having DS 7 days a week I'm going to ask my partner to stay next weekend, but just looking for an outsiders view on do you think I'm wrong? Should I wait longer? Or should I stop worrying as DS likes her and is happy for her to stay?
Thanks in advance for your advice and sorry for the long winded message, waffle a lot when nervous 🙈
You've known her for a long time so I'd be happy for her to stay but I don't think you need to let him see you being intimate. He can think of her as a friend.
If it all goes wrong in a year's time....or three months' time then he's lost what he might see as another Mother figure.
Ajaslipstick I totally agree with the intimate side, that's something I'm very careful with, I know he got attached to each of the exs partners and everything he's gone/going through I don't want to confuse him or cause him any unnecessary stress. Just worried that to the outside world I may be appearing selfish and putting myself first which honestly isn't the case.
Thank you for your words
Normally I'd go on how long you've known her but this is a different situation.
For starters a 3 yo is no expert on what's best for him. Especially one that's been through so much.
For another thing you've only had him 2 months I think you need to focus on him more and making him feel more secure for now. 2 months is no time at all.
So I think you should hold off.
Thanks for your opinion Graphista, just to answer points you have raised I'm fully aware a 3 yro is not an expert on what's best for him, and have made all my decisions based on what I believe is in his best interest.
Point 2 he's been living with me 24/7 for the last 2 months, 8 months previous was with his mum 2-3 days a week, and from they day I left the ex has spent a larger portion of the week we me then her.
In relation to focusing on him more to make him feel secure can you please enlighten me as to what I'm doing wrong or what concerns you have to make you feel DS is not secure, ss included in their report that dad provides a stable reliable loving home that's focused on the best interests including emotional, mental and physical well being of his son (their words not mine) I've asked DS social worker the same question as I've asked all you, her response was your doing everything right for your son and it's OK not to be dad constantly and have a little time to yourself.
If I was a mum instead of a dad, what advice would you provide?
My initial thought was no, be careful your child needs far more stability in his relationships if his mum's been behaving badly, but, if you really feel she's the one, then there are positives she could bring into both of your lives, and you into hers. You've known her 8 years, and your child already knows her so assuming there's already a good relationship there between them or you wouldn't even be considering this.
I've stayed single by choice, but... people keep telling me I should find someone, a good role model for DS, be a family, my son is missing out etc etc ...when your a lone parent your dammed if you do, dammed if you don't!
I have to say tho...I think it would have been easier to start a long term relationship when DS was 3 than now...he wouldn't accept anyone I don't think now.
Every decision you make ...your childs wellbeing comes first, make sure he always feels comfortable, listen to what he tells you, and reassure him that he's your number1 always. Go slow, there's no rush if she's the one she will wait as long as your child needs, and take it in small steps. What's your other option? miss out on the potential for a loving secure family unit to raise your son in? I say go for it but go slow, and find a way to make it work.
I totally agree your damned if you do and damned if you don't, it's a nightmare of a situation.
Thank you for your sound advice, I really do appreciate it.
Wow defensive much? I was responding basing on the information you gave.
I said about a 3 yo not knowing what's best in response to your comment on his asking if your partner can stay over - his mother has skewed his idea of normality so he is probably just wanting to know who's going to be in his home, also due to the high turnover of relationships in his mothers life he's possibly desperate to please mum or dads (and mum or dad) partners in fear of them disappearing especially if he likes them.
Re secure - I didn't remotely suggest you were doing anything wrong but his mother has. It takes time for a child to feel secure again, in my opinion (and you started the thread asking for opinions surely you didn't expect them all to agree with you?) 2 months is not long enough.
You yourself have made very clear this very young child has been through a LOT, things which will likely affect him his whole life but that effect can be reduced by making sure he feels as secure as possible.
I'm actually hoping someone who has adopted advises you as I'm sure there will be similarities in what your child is coping with. He's had unfortunately a very dysfunctional, chaotic start to life. That requires careful handling.
And I'd give exactly the same advice to a woman in your position. Actually if anything I may even have been more blunt in how I said it.
If social services are involved, wouldnt you need to discuss it with them?
It's been discussed with ss who have met my partner also, the worker thinks I'm worrying to much, but as Graphista has rightly said my ds has been through a lot and just seeing points of view.
Graphista yes I was defensive, my apologies, I do appreciate your opinion and thank you for it.
SS may be right but I'm the type to err on the side of caution especially as he's so young and already been through so much.
That's fantastic that they have a great relationship already, and that she cares for him. Despite what must have been a difficult time with your ex, sounds to me like you have found something worth taking a risk on.
I think that's really quite beautiful and
I think your son can benefit from your happiness too. I hope it goes well for you all, maybe plan some den building and story telling, or watch his favourite movie together. :-)
It is very hard without knowing what Ds has been through ( not asking)
As Ss have put him with you he will be dealing with whatever Mum has or hasn’t done .
I would worry about yet more change for your Ds right now .
I also think although you have known each other many years 2 months in a relationship is not long and you learn things you wouldn’t as partners rather than friends.
I don’t feel I can answer but I would be drawn towards give it a while longer .
Would just like to put this out there, I waited a year before I let my ex partner meet my daughter. We were in a very good place and I thought that was the right time- we split up 2 years later!
Fast forward, my daughter met my now husband after a month, We have been together for 7 years.
How are you supposed to gauge whether you could have a long-term relationship with somebody if you cant even have them stay over?
It is important for you to have a life as well, As long as your son knows he's loved, he will be fine. They get used to things pretty quickly. Do what you think is best.
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