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Fed up with comms from XH

(12 Posts)
DoinItForTheKids Sun 15-Apr-18 11:04:26

Text last night from XH. The following describes how these non-verbals communications are (we don't speak thankfully).

Essentially, the communication appears on the face of it to be a collaborative question, an enquiry about something to be worked out, amicably, together. Except it's not because the 'question' being 'asked ' is not a question at all, it's actually a pretty bullying statement in the vein of 'you will do this and I'm only half bothering to frame it as a question just for appearances sake'.

I am SO sick of these communications from XH. They're not very often but even though I try to not let them affect me, they do. I don't expect him to ever change this but even so, just getting these messages you still have to deal with them, you still have to respond to them, and every time its in effect another abusive incident.

In this case having a 50% contribution to something financial was required but it was worded that if I didn't 'reply by return' he would 'deduct the amount from next month's CM payment' (if you can believe the audacity).

Thankfully XH and I are 99% NC (thank Christ) but I can guarantee that every single communication that we do have, is of this nature.

I want to learn more about these types of communications, what's going on in the mind of the person making them, and the best way to respond to them - if anyone has experience of this?

For info, XH has Character Disorder (not sure if anyone's heard of this but I found out about it here - it's the only thing that adequately describes his unpleasant ways, there are no personality disorders which match).

Just dealing with this shit, this one message, has really made me feel down (which makes me so bloody angry because he himself is an irrelevance to me, I don't care about him one jot; I don't know if these communications to which I have to respond (do I? They're always about something important ie to do with one or the other of my two children) are just a way for him to have a pop at me since its the only opportunity, realistically, that he has to do that.

Starlight2345 Sun 15-Apr-18 15:51:50

I would reply do you have a question .
I don’t understand about the finance? Do you mean he asks for contributions when in his care . If so that’s his responsibility . If he is doing that go to cms

NorthernSpirit Sun 15-Apr-18 17:28:18

You still sound very emotionally attached to your EX. Don’t let him get to you.

I would limit all communication to email and only respond to polite reasonable requests in a business like manner.

ohamIreally Sun 15-Apr-18 18:33:27

Oh my god OP I have just come on here to start a thread on the exact same thing! XH sends texts regarding contact - all to suit him, not prepared to do any real parenting and he knows he has me over a barrel because I want DD to have a relationship with him. I'm so sick of it. This Easter for example he has had DD and whilst there he married OW in secret! Now he's all business as usual wanting to sort out contact and I just want to tell him to fuck off.

DoinItForTheKids Sun 15-Apr-18 19:15:29

It's utter shit isn't it ohamireally!

You're probably 'still emotionally attached' to your XH like I am... hmm

The only thing I'd like to emotionally attach my X to would the underneath of my patio slabs.

He's been an utterly shit 'dad' and on the rare occasions we communicate he 'speaks' to me like dirt. I don't appreciate it. At all.

ohamIreally Sun 15-Apr-18 20:19:36

Yes it is shit. I've surprised myself by feeling only a vague sense of relief when I heard about the marriage so that's how emotionally attached I am. I think it's the fact that I'm raising DD alone, was abandoned by XH but he still feels entitled to badger me. Your account of him insisting you reply by return really resonates. After a hard week of work and solo parenting where I've had so little headspace my eye has a tic he will text dates for a whole year and expect me to knuckle down and work out a response. I'm tempted to block him tbh. but want to do right by DD.

DoinItForTheKids Sun 15-Apr-18 20:43:33

Its really tough. It's not as though you can completely ignore these communications can you, it's always about important stuff about your children.

I too used to set out a year of dates for my XH (oops!!). But in stark contrast to how your XH goes about it, I would give about 3 months for him to be able to get back to me and let me know if he wanted any different dates all that stuff (a far more reasonable time) but he never ever managed it in the 8 years we did it like that. He then followed the plan for a period before inevitably announcing that there was a date he didn't like! Absolute idiot.

OldHag1 Sun 22-Apr-18 16:10:15

Do you want to pay 50% for whatever it is? If not tell him no and that if he reduces your money you will contact CMS for an attachment of earnings due to short payment.

DoinItForTheKids Sun 22-Apr-18 19:47:34

I did pay half - willingly, it was fair - but not without a massive flea in his and DSs ears about courtesy and reasonable notice, and for DS, reminded him he's 18 and needs to contribute to things like this and not just expect cash handouts. And I told DS I expect him to pay it back over an agreed period in small instalments.

OldHag1 Sun 22-Apr-18 23:58:12

Sounds like you handled it brilliantly.

DoinItForTheKids Mon 23-Apr-18 06:28:50

Cheers grin

DarkPeakScouter Mon 23-Apr-18 06:31:58

Oh well done!

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