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Ex wanting contact

(37 Posts)
unicornpoo1 Wed 11-Apr-18 15:57:50

My ex is planning on applying to court for contact with our son after 10 years of not seeing him. He walked out when DS was a baby, denied to everybody that he was his father and has not been in contact at all until now.

Does anyone know what I could expect in court? The amount of contact he may get? DS is 10 and upset at the prospect of possibly having to spend time with someone he doesn't know at all. He also has additional needs.

I have mediation next week and am hoping to resolve it there than with a court order. I don't know what's reasonable to accept in terms of contact or what to offer.

Any help or advice would be appreciated.

OP’s posts: |
Aprilmightmemynewname Wed 11-Apr-18 16:00:15

No judge will make you hand over your ds to a complete stranger. .
Is he on the bc?

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Wed 11-Apr-18 16:02:51

I know it's not "pay for view" but has this ex ever paid any child maintenance? Not supporting his child financially implies he isn't much of a parent

RatherBeRiding Wed 11-Apr-18 16:04:39

If I was you I'd get some legal advice just to set your mind at rest - take one of those free half hours many law firms offer.

And just because your ex says he's going to court doesn't mean he will. And even if he does no court is just going to grant carte blanch access to someone who has had no relationship at all for the whole of the child's life.

If he does get contact, I would imagine it would start out as brief and supervised, possibly in a contact centre - but you really need to speak to a properly qualified family law professional about how the process ought to go.

Costaricachica Wed 11-Apr-18 16:06:49

^^ I agree with above. Given that your son is 10 and has no relationship whatsoever with his father his thoughts and feelings would be taken into consideration by CAFCASS. I would be very surprised if he would be forced to attend if he didn't want the opportunity to know his father. Sometimes children surprise you with what they say though.

I'd suggest getting some legal advice yourself just so you feel informed.

That's if it gets that far anyway. Many start these processes off and then give up when they haven't managed to click their fingers and get their own way immediately.

unicornpoo1 Wed 11-Apr-18 16:08:56

That's what I'm concerned the judge might do and no he's not on the BC. He refused to be added, saying that DS isn't his.

He's not paid maintenance, I've never asked for any. I work hard to provide the best I can for DS. There's not been any contact at all for 10 years. I have no idea where he lives, his phone number etc.

OP’s posts: |
Tobestronger Wed 11-Apr-18 16:13:58

From experience he is likely to get contact but I would imagine you would be allowed to request supervised initially and it will be built up from very short visits.
To give you an idea a friend in this situation has taken five years to get from supervised short visits to overnight.

Tobestronger Wed 11-Apr-18 16:17:20

Courts don't care about maintenance in relation to contact. My friend wasn't even allowed to mention it in court. confused

At ten his views will be taken into account though but I was told by legal advice it would be 12 before mine where fully listened to.

I've recently been told that legally if my ex went to court he would get contact even though my youngest is 15 and none of my three have seen Dad for a decade.

QuiteLikely5 Wed 11-Apr-18 16:18:08

He is likely to be seated supervised contact at the very least.

Offer that for one hour per week?

I’d also tell him that if he claiming maintenance from today onwards!

QuiteLikely5 Wed 11-Apr-18 16:18:21

I’d **

fuzzywuzzy Wed 11-Apr-18 16:19:16

Apply for child maintenance thro CMS.

He should take financial responsibility for his child.

Itsneversunnyinwales Wed 11-Apr-18 16:20:30

May or may not be relevant (as was over 20 years ago) but my dad did almost the same thing. We didn’t see or hear him from when I was 1 until he turned up out of the blue when I was 11.
In my case, I was asked by a social worker (in a round about way) what I wanted to happen and I replied that I didn’t want to see my dad. The judge took this into consideration and due to the circumstances of him abandoning me/being a stranger, I wasn’t made to see him at all.
My dad is on my birth certificate and he and my mum were married then divorced.

Tobestronger Wed 11-Apr-18 16:22:15

Yes I agree I would tell him you are putting in a claim for child maintenance. He's likely to bugger off...

unicornpoo1 Wed 11-Apr-18 16:34:16

Thank you for your advice, it really helps. I will be seeking legal advice next week.

His request has come as a shock to us and I'm not opposed to contact, I just want to make sure it's an appropriate amount. I'm not sure what his motives are after so long.

I know he will definitely take it to court because he took his other child's mother to court multiple times over access. I only found this out yesterday.

I'm worried that opening a case with cms will make him more determined and cause more problems/stress. He's of the narc type.

OP’s posts: |
TreadingTreacle Wed 11-Apr-18 16:46:23

I've no idea regarding the law but i would have though initial contact should be in the form of letters/emails/phonecalls. What an awful thing to do to a child. The fact he could be granted access only to fuck off again makes my blood boil. The only person's wishes that should be taken into account are the child's imo. No-one seems to care about the impact on the child. I'm in the opposite position, my DS wants to meet his dad, no contact at all for 10 years, but his dad doesn't want to see him sad. I'm running out of nice ways to say 'your dad is a cunt of the highest order and is incapable of being a parent'. He just wasn't ready at the age of 38 isn't cutting it anymore. Funny how the courts can force children to have contact but not their fathers (not that I'd want that).

Starlight2345 Wed 11-Apr-18 16:58:36

I would go to mediation . Find out why and what he wants.

I would ask him if he is going to be paying towards his Ds.

With my Ds I didn’t claim maintenance till I got court papers .

I know my Ds who also has additional needs would struggle with contact after not seeing him for 7 years. I would ensure he knows building a relationship will not be easy

Aprilmightmemynewname Wed 11-Apr-18 18:03:22

He would have to apply to court for dna tests to be ordered first off.
And pay for them.
Given he hasn't paid a penny in ten years, is he likely to do this? He would have to show a judge how he has attempted to instigate a relationship with his ds over the years.
He would have to prove you have denied him the chance to know his ds.

unicornpoo1 Wed 11-Apr-18 22:18:18

I'm sorry to hear that treacle, it must be so hard for both of you. The phone calls etc are a good idea, I hadn't thought of that. Thank you.

I will be going to mediation, most definitely. I want to understand why he wants contact now, I very much hope it's for the right reasons and he has our sons best interests at heart. I have a feeling that once he realises DS has SN, he'll run for the hills.

Thank you April, those are interesting points that I hadn't considered. I think he's planning on taking it as far as he can but I won't know more until mediation. I did try to contact him on social media a number of years ago but he blocked me without a reply.

OP’s posts: |
unicornpoo1 Sat 21-Apr-18 13:49:17

A small update - I attended mediation this week and he wants 50/50 shared care or full custody. He threatened that if I don't comply, he'll hire a top barrister and have DS put in to care. Is that even possible?

He said he's applying straight to court. How long does that take? Anyone know the process?

OP’s posts: |
PatriciaHolm Sat 21-Apr-18 13:54:50

For a child he's never seen?

He's talking bollocks.

stitchglitched Sat 21-Apr-18 13:56:05

He hasn't got a chance in hell. Did he say this in front of a mediator? What did they have to say?

unicornpoo1 Sat 21-Apr-18 14:39:34

For a child he walked away from at a few months old.

The mediator didn't say much, just wrote his wants down. Ex lied his way through it, wrapped the mediator round his little finger with a sob sorry on how he's missed out and claimed I'd not told him I was pregnant and I'd hidden DS from him. I'm still in shock at the things he said.

OP’s posts: |
stitchglitched Sat 21-Apr-18 14:41:13

If you had 'hidden' DS how does he explain finding him? He sounds like an absolute shit.

notapizzaeater Sat 21-Apr-18 14:46:13

I can't believe any judge would give 50/50when he Hasn't a relationship with him. Get cms involved and use the money for a good lawyer !

Starlight2345 Sat 21-Apr-18 14:47:06

He does not have his child’s best interests at heart . I hope he said this in front of mediator and she documented it. Did he give any reasons for none contact or why now ?

I agree not a hope in hell

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