Moving to a different city after a break up

[Bearfam]

Hello this is my first time posting I would really appreciate some advice to be able to support my best friend regarding her living situation after a break up. I’m asking for her because I don’t think she would post herself, she is really busy looking after her child and is just feeling awful.

She has one child age 6, her relationship with the child’s father ended about three weeks ago. The relationship was around 2 months in when she got pregnant so they’ve been together around 7 years. It hadn’t been working for a long time and from what she has told me some of his behaviours seem abusive such as eroding her confidence and being controlling. She currently lives with her partner and child (him in the spare room for now) in a house owned by his family, which they pay rent on. He wants her to move out and rent a flat nearby so he can have 50/50 custody of their child. She is a stay at home mum he works long unpredictable hours. I think it would be identifying to say his profession. While they were together he didn’t take part in family life much, she tried working but he was so unreliable with being home when he said he would be that she had to give up her job.

She has no family where they live and it is very expensive. Without help from his family they would struggle to rent a place for her as they don’t have the deposit etc. (This hasn’t been offered but may be) She is considering moving back to her home city where she has family and house prices are much cheaper. In the short term she could stay with family until she rents a place. This would be much more affordable there. In addition, because of family support with childcare and lower living cost she would be in a much better financial position longer term when she starts working, as in her income could cover her expenses, she would have to earn a pretty high salary to have that happen where they live now. Her mental health has suffered in this relationship; she is doing well looking after her child despite this however she now could really do with family support as she is very isolated. She feels it would be better for her child as they could afford a decent size home rather than a tiny flat and have money to have some kind of life.

However, the child’s father will not consider her moving away. It would be around 3 hours by train/ 250 miles. As he wants to have the child stay exactly half of the week. Rather than some weekends and holidays which is probably more likely what it would be like if she moved. Due to his work he wouldn’t be able to actually look after the child himself for that time he plans to get his mum to help, use childcare and friends. She asked to try out a 50% week while they are still living in the same home to see how it worked. He said that would be inconvenient with work but when the time came to share residency he would make it work.

I suppose my questions are: Can the father demand the child has exactly 50% residency even though while in the relationship he wasn’t around much.

Can he demand that she stays where they live now despite the potential financial hardship and reduced opportunities for her to be independent in future?

Where can she go for some informed advice possibly legal advice?

[Angrybird123]

A solicitor will give her the options. It really depends on a lot of different factors but i would think about how contact would work to minimise the child's travelling. I moved a significant distance from ex for financial reasons but it's near his family so he mostly travels and stays with them. Its not perfect but better than them travelling EOW. I wouldn't have moved that far if they would have been doing the journey all the time.

[Bearfam]

Thanks. I think that she is hoping to avoid EOW as that's a lot for a 6 year old. So school holidays and him visiting. But I suppose her concern is that if she moved she would be seen a causing problem with contact.

[NorthernSpirit]

Personally I think it’s a really selfish thing to do (move a distance away). By moving she’ll be preventing the father having regular contact with his children.

If it went to court a judge could order a specific issue order to stop the move. The mother would have to prove that the benefits outweighed the children having regular contact with their dad.

Standard contact for a dad is EOW, a day in the week and half of the holidays.

[Bearfam]

Thanks for your reply. Although obviously she is my friend so I'm a hit biased I like to think I've got some objectivity. I think that her being able to have support, potential financial independence and good mental health probably do out weigh reduced contact with the father. Not for my friend but the benefits they have to the child. But it is about weigh up benefits for the child yes.

Perhaps if he hadn't been so selfish they wouldn't be separating. So then must be easy to think we'll I'm going to think about me for once. It must be really hard to genuinely put your child first when you feel that you've been badly treated.

[UserNr385]

It's really selfish to take child away from dad. I hope your friend loses her case. Fathers should have equal access to their children.

EOW is not enough to have a healthy relationship with a child. It wouldn't be enough for you I think. So why would it be enough for fathers?

[ilovecrumpets]

You could equally say it is very selfish for the father to refuse to move.

[Emma198]

Don't forget the father has no intention of actually seeing the child 50% of the time. Sounds to me like overall opportunities for the child and quality of life would be better if she moved. X

[UserNr385]

Ilovecrumpets, that's a really stupid thing to say. Why should he have to move? Are you saying that he has to follow his ex everywhere she goes? What if your ex took your kids to another city and told you to move too?

[Angrybird123]

For balance.. why should a parent who has been left with the vast majority of the actual parenting work, all the mental load etc be forced to stay in an area that is unaffordable and offers no family support so that a Disney dad can swan in an out for four days a month? It's not as simple as 'it's selfish of the RP to move'. 9 times out of 10 the RP is the mother who has been left to deal with it all and the selfish element has come from the (usually male) parent who decided family life was to dull / restrictive etc. Sadly a LOT of nrp's simply don't want more than EOW and if the RP will be able overall to have a more balanced and secure life then they should move. Judges rarely prevent it within the UK of the reasons are genuine and not just done out of spite.

[Emma198]

@AngryBird123 I completely agree

[UserNr385]

It's sad how many of you don't care about the relationship between child and father. We have more children being raised in single parent households than two parent households.

Here we have a dad who wants to spend time with his child more than just one weekend a month and almost everyone here is saying mom should move hours away and take her child with her. I don't understand it. He can't be a real dad if he only gets to spend a few days a month with his child.

How many of you would be willing to be a non residential parent? How would you feel if you could only see your child EOW? Would it be enough?

[ilovecrumpets]

@AngryBird123 that was exactly my point too!

Whilst I don’t think an ex should have to follow the mother around wherever she chooses to go ( clearly wouldn’t be good for the child) I equally don’t think the mother should be stuck living where the father chooses to live - particularly here where he has a support network and family, which is what the mother is looking for.

So User no I don’t think it is anymore stupid than asking the mother to have to stay where the father is - which will make her life substantially harder and where she has no support and needs to build a life. It’s pretty much exactly the same - one parent has to move house and live away from family support. Given the age of the child I don’t see why that should automatically be the mother just because they currently live somewhere that works for the father.

And yes actually I would consider moving where my ex was if it gave the kids a better quality of life.

[ilovecrumpets]

I guess my point is - and who knows if this has been considered and in some circumstances would be difficult due to the nature of work and difficulty in finding a new job - has the father considered whether he could move to where the mother is moving and play a substantial role in his child’s life?

[Sunshinegirl18]

There's a free charity she can get advice from called Gingerbread. Tell her to call them. They're great and very supportive

[UserNr385]

Ilovecrumpets,

The mother can move if she wants to but she should then let the child live with dad. My problem is when one parent moves to another city and takes the child with her.

You keep asking why can't the father just follow his ex. Because it's not fair. It's stupid. If she moves again does he have to move again? Why can't the mother just let him be the residential parent? Wouldn't that be fair?

[UserNr385]

I hope this couple finds a good solution to everyone. It's terrible when fathers can only see their kids 3 - 5 days a month. Some people can't afford to follow their exes around the country. They just have to give up and let them go.

[Itscolderoutside]

I don't think your friend should be forced to spend her life in an area that doesn't work for her. She is the main carer currently snd If she is happy snd financially secure in her original area, with more backup and support, the child will be a lot happier long term.

It doesn't sound as if the father will actually do 50/50 wherever the child lives,or he would be doing it now. If he can't manage it even while living in the same house, that seems a clear indication that this is wishful thinking on his part and she actually is, and will remain, the main carer. It sounds as if to stay local she would have to have financial help from him or his family (what happens if they fall out or he meets someone else?), and would probably still end up not able to work freely as would be covering all the times he can't have the child as planned due to work.

In her position I would move back - the father could travel to see DS, if already travelling in UK for work, this might be more often than you think, or relocate if he wished. It's not ideal but there is Skype etc too and lots of creative ways for the fsther to stay involved.

Would moving school be an issue? How settled is DS and what is the quality of schooling in each area? That would also be a factor if this was my decision.

[hayli]

Maybe she can apply for council housing? Can rhat be a solution?
User i would have agreed wirh ur point if the father made half an attempt to look after and be more responsible for his child. I mean the poor mother had to give up work due to him being unreliable ?! Unbelievable. So he can stick to his normal life carry on as normal but the mother who has been doing the lion share of childcare has to suffer.
The fact is she cant afford to rent in that city and it seems her ex isnt going to help her with the cost of that either so she is practically left with no choice.

[TERFragetteCity]

Here we have a dad who wants to spend time with his child more than just one weekend a month and almost everyone here is saying mom should move hours away and take her child with her

Well, no he doesn't...he says he wants 50/50 but he won't even be there most of the time, he will rely on his family and get childcare and he won't even agree a trial period to see how it will pan out.

If the only reasonable option is for the mother to move to keep a roof over her head then that is what she should do.

[UserNr385]

" It's not ideal but there is Skype etc too and lots of creative ways for the fsther to stay involved. "

Using skype to stay involved is not the same as spending time with your child. We have way too many "skype dads" in our country these days.

[Angrybird123]

No one is suggesting it's ideal of course but IF the current NRP does not want to be the RP but just wants his child available as and when it suits him to pop in and out for a bit of fun time then I think the RP is entitled to take steps to ensure they can manage. Every situation is different so we can't generalise. I moved 300 miles from my ex but only after he had already chased off after ow 80 miles away and so did no real parenting. Had he stayed local and shated care 50/50 then I would have stayed too, even though it was really unaffordable.

[Starlight2345]

I think the point about people not caring about dads relationship with child is ridiculous.

So many posts I have read of rp trying to get bro step up . The number of dads who move away . It has to be a two way street. Why don’t nrp have to stay nearby as it is not in child’s best interests to travel that far.

[UserNr385]

I agree of course nrp shouln't move too far away either.