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Is my ex expecting too much from me?

(15 Posts)
Anonymickeymouse Sun 01-Apr-18 11:08:36

Bit of a long one, but I'll ty keep it simple.
I was just after some opinions about whether it is wrong of me to think the way I do...
My ex and I have been split since last year and we have a 2 yr old daughter together. Access is not really an issue here, but what I am concerned about is how when our DD is poorly, I get texts saying I should be doing more. Now obviously if our DD was seriously ill that goes without saying, anyone parent would be there in a flash if it was serious, however I get these messages and moans at me even when she's just had a rough nights sleep or has a cold/cough etc.
I am made to feel I should put my life on hold just in case I am needed, but for a basic illness, I feel that which ever parent has the child at that time they they should deal with it. I know if our DD was with me and didn't sleep well and had a bad cough/cold etc I wouldn't be contacting my ex about it, I would deal with it.
So is it wrong of me to think that if our DD isn't sleeping well, has a cough/cold or whatever, that if our DD is with her mother she deals with it, or if DD is with me I deal with it? Most people I speak to seem to agree with me, but just wanted to put this out there.
I love my DD so much and love spending time with her, but I have been told on many occasions, that after above messages I receive, that "I don't care" Clearly I do, but its just a basic bug or something, its not serious then should I drop everything I'm doing because she's not slept well, or has a cough?
It's like I am not allowed to have my own new life and move on, its making my life hell. We only live once and I just want to be happy.

I feel this happens because of a stressful home life my ex has and feels she can't actually cope, so deliberately tries to make me feel bad, which I always do after these texts I get.

OP’s posts: |
BrazzleDazzleDay Sun 01-Apr-18 11:12:26

I agree with you but my ex always brings our dd back to me if shes ever unwell.

Anonymickeymouse Sun 01-Apr-18 11:19:22

Thanks BrazzleDazzleDay,
If our DD was ever asking for her mum and upset because of being really poorly then I'd take her back if she wanted to go home. But I guess Im asking, should I be getting texts saying I don't care and Im not doing enough just because our DD has a cold/cough/bad night etc?

OP’s posts: |
BrazzleDazzleDay Sun 01-Apr-18 11:25:26

No of course you shouldnt.

Yes its shit having an ill child, and it would be nice for the other parent to give the other a break if possible, but no it doesnt make you a shit uncaring parent.

RandomMess Sun 01-Apr-18 11:28:50

Sounds like you've not got to the point of detaching sufficiently from each other. You shouldn't be texting each other about every little thing as you both need to move on.

You could ask your Ex if you need to have your DD for more overnights as she seems to be struggling with the level of regular overnight care she has? The early years are tiring so perhaps a 50:50 splits of overnights would work better?

Anonymickeymouse Sun 01-Apr-18 11:34:15

Thanks RandomMess,

Currently I doubt 50/50 splits would even be a consideration at the moment, that was already made clear by my ex. She hates DD being away from her.
The detachment needs to come from DD mums side, I have found it relatively easy to detach myself from and only communicate when necessary.

OP’s posts: |
RandomMess Sun 01-Apr-18 11:37:04

Why am I not surprised gringringringrin

I would make the offer every time she moans unreasonably "as you know I'm happy to have DD for more overnights every week so you can have more rest and for me to take on more of the day to day parenting"

yamejiv Sun 01-Apr-18 11:42:13

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Anonymickeymouse Sun 01-Apr-18 12:10:37

I have done that on a few occasions RandomMess, but get the answer, "she needs to be with her mum" most of the time.

OP’s posts: |
RandomMess Sun 01-Apr-18 14:03:05

You are free to reply "I am just as capable of looking after her, she needs me too..."

She is being so unreasonable, you are not there to come running as when it suits her whilst simultaneously refusing to let you have more contact.

Hopefully in a few years time it can be more fluid. If she wants "help" and your free great, if your not that it's unreasonable for her to bitch and moan about it.

NorthernSpirit Sun 01-Apr-18 19:07:01

You are not being unreasonable at all. If the child is ill on mums time she deals with it, if ill on your time you deal with it. No need for her to keep contacting you. The OH sounds like she hasn’t emotionally detached.

Anonymickeymouse Sun 01-Apr-18 22:50:44

Thank you all for the responses. Even friends I've asked seem to all say the same. It's.comforting knowing my way of thinking isn't the wrong way. It was all making me feel worthless as a parent and it was ruining me.
Thanks again all

OP’s posts: |
Anonymickeymouse Sun 08-Apr-18 09:32:08

Seems DD's mum is too much of a worrier and is letting life get the better of her in many respects all of which I get the brunt if making parenting apart very difficult and laying a lot of guilt on me. All I can do is ignore it otherwise it escalates by her having a dig at me constantly.
Ah well, I can't let her ruin my future and life anymore. Just trying to stay positive as I can.

OP’s posts: |
NorthernSpirit Sun 08-Apr-18 10:15:43

You need to limit contact her. She sounds emotionally draining.

My OH’s EW is very bitter and vitriolic. For our own sanity we limit communication to email from her. If she can’t communicate in a pleasant polite manner than she doesn’t get the right to send abusice texts. Limit contact to email and respond in a business like manner. Her problem that she’s a worrier not yours. Remember you can’t control her but you can control how you react and how you feel.

It's a manipulation and control thing, mate. I agree with the suggestion to politely remind her every time she moans, that you have offered to have your daughter more. Beyond that, don't engage.

Incidentally, if you want 50/50, if you are able to do it in practical terms, and if you genuinely believe that it would be the best approach for your daughter - go for it. It is not up to your ex to dictate the terms of your relationship with your daughter - you are equal parents in the eyes of the law. Just make sure that whatever you do is geared to your little girl's best interests 🙂

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