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What to do about my ex and contact.. HELP!

(5 Posts)
vintagefluffy Tue 27-Mar-18 10:06:47

Me and my ex split up shortly after I found out I was pregnant. We had a lot of drama, he wanted me to have an abortion (said he'd kill himself if I didn't have one) I didn't terminate so we had no contact for around a month and then he decided he did want contact with the child.

Everything was going very well, we had regular contact about the baby and both decided that once the baby was born he would live with us for half of his time to help with the baby/develop a good bond with her. I do not trust him to look after her alone and I never would but more than happy for him to have contact with supervision from me.

Despite the fact we have been on good terms I'm very aware that he drinks a lot and also smokes weed a lot. To my knowledge he's stopped smoking as much but still drinks and has a questionable group of friends, so I've been extremely careful to keep him on my side because I don't want him to go for parental rights of the baby and get contact on his own with her.

(There's no way I'm putting him on the birth certificate but I'm very aware it wouldn't be difficult for him as the bio father to get parental rights)

It's now two weeks before she's due and my baby's dad has suddenly decided he does not want any contact with me and would rather go through court for contact than have to "deal with me" we ended up having a huge argument, I contacted his mother because I had no idea what else to do (seemed like a good idea at the time) even though she dislikes me I thought I might be able to get her to help him calm down about the situation. Anyway she blocked me and my babies dad told me to never contact him again as he'd rather go through court.

I've no idea what to do. I desperately do not want him to be allowed to look after the baby alone as he's not responsible, he uses drugs, he has anger problems, he can be abusing etc. I have little proof of this as he's quite the narcissistic sociopath.

I was thinking maybe I should allow him to be at the birth, get him back on side again and go from there.

I'm spending these last few days of pregnancy literally just sobbing. I've provided everything for the baby alone with no financial support from him. I've worked so hard to keep up a good relationship with him even when he's being difficult. What am I going to do?

OP’s posts: |
Bobby1233 Tue 27-Mar-18 10:51:55

Can I suggest an attitude change, the way you speak sounds very controlling. The baby has not even arrived and youve already decided all the things he cant do. It also reads like you're throwing him crumbs to appease him. Try talking to him like an adult, why dont you "ask" him to be at the birth because you need support and he should be there at the birth of his child. Tell him his child would be honoured to have his name on the birth certificate [because lets be honest he could get it anyway] because he is going to be a dad and you want to see him succeed as one.
Since the child is not born yet, I wouldnt assume too much, he could end up being the best dad in the world, especially with encouragement rather than control. But youve already decided he'll never care for his child without your "supervision"
Offer these things as a responsibility rather than a gift and you may well see a massive change.
Youre in each others lives for decades now, its important to start off on the right foot.

Kingsclerelass Tue 27-Mar-18 21:44:19

Vintage, your ex has said he doesn't want contact with you so why would you try to get him on-side? Birth is quite hard enough without someone who is not supportive.

Bobby is right though. You'll be dealing with him for 18 years so you need to find a civil basis for that. He in entitled to see his child and have pr if he wants it. He may not. Equally he is responsible for half the costs.

Start with a calm email saying that you don't want him at the birth but you will let him know as soon as the baby is born. Invite him to the hospital to see the baby. The midwives will ensure it stays calm.
Once home suggest he visit his dc every other day for an hour. Stick to what is agreed. Go from there.
Everything in writing until you are into a steady routine. Keeping it calm & civil will give you all a better life. Good luck. flowers

Starlight2345 Tue 27-Mar-18 22:14:01

Absolutely do not have anymore at the birth that is unsupportive .

I read your post differently to other posters . I see you offering to house him half the time I see a woman in fear. I would not contact him until after baby is born then offer little but often contact , make sure this is in an email text so you have evidence.

You know if he will go to court or not better than anyone on here

I completely disagree no man has the right to be at the birth of their child.

SecondaryConfusion Tue 27-Mar-18 22:21:54

Don’t offer to have him at the birth - that will not be good for you doing the actual giving birth!

Be calm and factual. If he wants to take you to court he can. Send one last email saying it’s a shame the relationship has ended up this way, you will send him an email when baby is born and obviously happy for him to visit the baby in hospital / at home.

Do not offer to let him stay with you - sounds like a recipe for disaster at a time you should be focusing on and getting to know your baby.

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