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I DESPISE motherhood and equally despise my own child :/

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Timemachine2011 Mon 19-Mar-18 09:03:40

As I sit here, trying to fight myself to leave the house and take my very loving child to school. I can't help but think how my life would be if they never existed. This thought has been with me since I found out I was pregnant at 6 months ( too late to abort) and has stayed with me ever since.... almost 7 years later. There is not a day that goes by where I wish I had a magic wand to wish 'it' away. I know it's not their fault but I cannot shake this feeling. I have tried my hardest to accept motherhood and also my own child but I can't shake the resentment. I know my child loves me and I feel awful knowing that I do not feel the same, I think I have more patience and love for my cat😯. I envy women that can look at their children with so much love and I feel like a monster for not feeling this way. I look at my child and will end up staring at him whilst I try and find a reason why I love him but I can't, I just find a million reasons why I hate being a mother and why I resent him. I never had a maternal bone in my body. On the outside looking in I appeared to be doing all I could. I breast fed for 2 years, only gave him organic fruits,veg and meat, he never had junk food, I meet all his basic needs, I gave him all the hugs and kisses when people were looking or if he asked but that was it, I only did it because I had to, I find motherhood like a life draining 9-5 with no pay, no promotion, no rewards. My only escape from this prison is death and although I have tried, suicide is not an option. That child would be so messed up, more than he already is and if there is still a chance for me to feel like a mother I am willing to try. I just have so much to address, overcome and deal with I don't know where to!

OP’s posts: |
gingergenius Mon 19-Mar-18 09:06:56

You need counselling.thats a very dark place to be.

loopylass13 Mon 19-Mar-18 09:14:39

I always think it is okay to feel how you feel and I stand by that. But like suggested above, you sounds like you might need additional support in terms of counselling. Do you have family or friends you could confide in? Whom may be able to help with childcare to give you more of a break?

Timemachine2011 Mon 19-Mar-18 09:37:07

I don't have anyone to confide in ( hence why I've vented on the net🤣) but I have family who can and do take him on some weekends. I don't actually need a break from the work of motherhood, as I mentioned before it's like a job to me with minimal attachment. I will look into more counselling or better counselling as I have done it many times before and it ends up going nowhere. I will try and figure something out. I'm almost at the end of the line with this.

OP’s posts: |
NGC2017 Mon 19-Mar-18 09:43:48

What an upsetting read. Please seek help ASAP.

I am a single mom and I suffered with depression in the first year of my sons life. But the only thing that kept me going was this little bundle of happiness. He is my purpose, and he is nearly 4 now and my best friend. I couldn't imagine my life without him. I often wonder what I did with my life before him. My world revolves around him and I personally love that!

Though I cannot say I understand how you feel so I will never judge, please know that your child will feel your resentment. And that is not something any child should feel. What a terrible place you are in. Please seek help. Motherhood has been an absolute joy for me, and something I have been able to share with family and friends to give myself the odd break. I really hope you are able to eventually find joy in being a mother to your child. A childs love is like no other

smartiecake Mon 19-Mar-18 09:50:20

Have you spoken to you GP? It is obvious that you need medical support. Are you a single parent? Does your son have any contact with their father? Just wondering if there is any more support for you and your son? I cannot imagine what you are feeling but you must seek help for both of you. Neither of you should have to live like that and i worry about the effect on your son. Organic fruit and no junk food is not important but your son needs to know he is loved and to feel secure in that. Please seek help for you both.

RozfromFraisier Mon 19-Mar-18 09:52:41

Ypu go to the GP and get antidepressants pronto. Look up my history, I had a severe lack of bonding with my 12 month old and knew it was abnormal and posted here.

I went to the GP the next day and admitted I didnt love my child. Horrendous. But my child was too important so I put my pride aside.

I was put on Lexapro. It has been a sloooooow progress. Painfully slow.

BUT it is now 6 months later and I can honestly say I do care about my child a great deal now and really am optimistic it will continue to grow.

The most vital thing the meds did was take away the negativity in my head and it started to do that about 6 weeks in. I have not resented her since, not once. That was a chemical change only, but a profound one that literally changed my day to day life. And once the negativity and the bitterness evaporated, it left room for some caring feelings to grow in its place.

This child has done nothing wrong and deserves a mum who swallows her pride and tries everything to fix herself.

PrettyLittIeThing Mon 19-Mar-18 10:36:14

I don't think it's unusual to feel this way op people just don't admit to it for obvious reasons. I feel the same sometimes but not as extreme as u do live and adore my kids but sometimes I wish I didn't have them. Feels awful saying it.

Everywhereilookaround Tue 20-Mar-18 00:01:46

It's so hard isn't it. My heart goes out to you. Hang on in there, your child needs you to get through this and you will, it won't always be this hard.
Please please seek help immediately tho, for you and your child's sake. Let your family take the strain while you work through your issues, and I think you must talk to your GP, counselling is not enough. You need expert help, and you deserve it. You can ask Barnardo's for help too. Best of luck, remember however your feeling now, it won't last forever and it takes a brave woman to come forward and ask for help, now you've done that, check out what services and support there is near you. I've had parenting help before, that really helps.

Timemachine2011 Fri 23-Mar-18 00:18:34

I understand where you are coming from but after thinking this over. I just don't think I am cut out for motherhood. All the medication in the world would not remove this deep feeling of regret I have towards it. I'm so accustomed to being fake I don't think I could swallow my pride and be that mother it deserves. I have to pretend I enjoy everything from picking it up from school to sharing a hug. This is why I am so frustrated, I have tried counselling, CBT, self-help, tried to become religious, spiritual.... I've done almost everything but after a few months I revert back to almost hating it and I'm back at square one. Now I've reached the end of the line and I'm resorting to strangers assistance online. I'm just lost :/

OP’s posts: |
user1471451559 Fri 23-Mar-18 00:30:23

Why have you referred to your child as 'it'?

LyannaStarktheWolfMaid Fri 23-Mar-18 00:38:33

This is a very serious situation. You are not to blame, or at fault in any way, but for the sake of your child, you need to find help immediately. You need to go to your gp and explain very fully, as you have here, how you feel. If you need to, print this out. Do you have any responsible family members who can step in? Do you have any involvement with social services? Where is the father? This is not your fault. But it can’t carry on, for ten sake of your son.

DairyisClosed Fri 23-Mar-18 00:52:00

Are you sure that you aren't anxious or depressed? I get a bit like this about everyone in my life when I'm not well mentally.

AnnieAnoniMouse Fri 23-Mar-18 01:09:37

Have you walked right around the world?

No? But do you accept it’s round?

TalkinBoutWhat Fri 23-Mar-18 01:10:37

I think you need to try to stop trying to do it all yourself. If after 7 years you can't feel the love, then the way you're doing it is not going start working now.

Who else is in your DS's life that can show him love? Is his father in his life? Do you have siblings or parents around? I honestly think your best bet is to try to make sure there are others to help you give your child the love, and you make sure that you have more of a life that you're happy with.

That might involve work that is more fulfilling for you, and perhaps something like boarding school for your DS or a live in nanny.

Maybe that in turn will enable you to feel more affection for your child, firstly because you have your own life back, and that your child gains the support he needs from other people and so doesn't require it as much from you. TBH that's the way a lot of career minded fathers do it.

AnnieAnoniMouse Fri 23-Mar-18 01:13:00

There is something wrong that you need help with.

To me it sounds like you have PND and/or PTSD. Either one of those can completely screw you up. You need to see a different GP and tell them that’s what you think and you need help with it.

Getting on the right meds can be like switching on a light, everything looks different.

UnrelentingFruitScoffer Fri 23-Mar-18 01:48:40

OP you should get professional help as soon as possible. Go to your GP and ask for a referral.

In the mean time, please make sure that there are plenty of other people - family, friends and mere acquaintances - in your child’s life.

Everywhereilookaround Fri 23-Mar-18 06:10:38

Op are you still there? If this is how strong you feel can you please get your children to a relative you trust or call social services and ask for help. Tell your gp what you are feeling too and ask them for practical parenting help. There's no shame in needing some respite. I am concerned about your kid's wellbeing tho, I don't mean that to be a hurtful comment to you, it sounds like your having a terrible time. Please get your kids to someone else while you do your thinking xx. Also Samaritans are always on the end of a line if you need to talk.
Motherhood is overwhelming at times, and it's not something I would choose to do again, if I could go back in time. Just get your kids sorted with someone else for a bit, and give yourself time and space you need to really think and take care of yourself. Xx

niceupthedance Fri 23-Mar-18 06:24:54

If you don't want to call social services then call nspcc. That is if you won't tell anyone in your family.

Your child will know how you feel about them and is probably over compensating for your lack of love by being loving themselves. It's not too late for your child to have a happy life. Please tell someone how you feel.

Fwiw I have felt similar to you when I was a lone parent. I have managed to make peace with it now and have a happy relationship with being a Mother. There is hope.

Timemachine2011 Fri 23-Mar-18 07:33:28

Thank you all for responding. I have been asking my family for years to take him. However my father has simply insisted I deal with it and don't bring shame to the family. I have no friends due to the previous relationship with it's Father and my family isn't approachable in this matter ( bringing shame and embarrassment by not adjusting to motherhood). Don't get me wrong I am very good at faking the love for it. At school, the teachers believe it is loved and well looked after, he's not mistreated or verbally abused although I did have an outburst when it was 3/4 and told it I hated it, wished it died, I'm not saying what I said was right but I was in an even darker place than I was then, however i feelhonesty is the only thing left to be to sort this mess out. SS were around before and found no issues even though I told them exactly what I have told you minus the fake love, I just found them overbearing and made the situation worse so jumped through their hoops just to get rid of them.

Luckily, I do work so I have childcare as I'm working. Managing the basic parental tasks is not overbearing but when it goes to bed I am left with myself and my thoughts of how I feel with no idea what to do next. I have been to my GP who suggested medication but I refused as I don't take drugs of any sort. 😓😓

I have a loving BF who is amazing with the child but again, I'm haunted by the fear of embarrassment so I hide my feelings and put on a show just so he doesn't catch on.

I will try calling the NSPCC for advice and see what they say, so thank you for that suggestion.

OP’s posts: |
gingergenius Fri 23-Mar-18 07:46:06

Regardless of your personal feelings, please don't refer to your child as 'it'

That's unreasonable and unnecessary. Your post is naturally very emotive and people on here have been very supportive. But your child is a person not an it and should be referred to as such. That's common decency whether you despise motherhood or not.

Timemachine2011 Fri 23-Mar-18 08:02:29

I do understand the child is a person and how I refer to the child is not out of malice or hatred. I've just never been able to refer to it as anything else. It's just out of habit. But I'll try and refrain myself from doing so.

OP’s posts: |
WhistlerGrey Fri 23-Mar-18 08:18:16

' I have been to my GP who suggested medication but I refused as I don't take drugs of any sort. 😓😓'

If you are in a place where referring to your child as 'it' is a habit - you need to get past not wanting to take medication if your Dr thinks you need it.

You are not meeting your sons basic needs however much you think you are. Your son needs help. Please, please find something, someone who can help you.

This must be an awful way to live for both of you. You both deserve to so much better - but he is only 6 he cannot fix this - only you can take those steps.

I hope you both can find love and comfort and peace.

OddS0ck Fri 23-Mar-18 08:21:28

My mother had the same feelings towards me and my sister. Only without the good diet and other basic needs.

We knew she hated us because she didn't hesitate to tell us but we also knew because she exuded it. If she did hug us, for appearances sake, she was stiff with dislike, revulsion even, as if she was being forced to touch a spider.

It's fucked us both up and we're in our fifties now. The only thing that we were able to hold onto was that our dad loved us, and in my case, his mother.

Your dad sounds worse than useless, more concerned about appearances than anything else. Please try to ensure your child spends time with people who really care for him. Get some more help to at least ameliorate the effects of your dislike for your child. Urgently.

I'm sure your son knows he's not loved by you. You may not be cruel, but he will know. By the time I was in my forties I reckoned my mother felt a mild friendship towards me, as I was someone she'd known a long time. But I was never, ever a priority. If I had died at any time in my life I know she would have been relieved.

I don't know if you can change and I'm not condemning you for how you feel. I don't think my mother chose to feel how she did. I think she was damaged by her upbringing. But please get help to lessen the effects of this on your boy.

And don't call him "It" even in your head. It will still influence how you feel and act towards him. And for gods sake don't have another child.

Kittykat93 Fri 23-Mar-18 08:30:08

So sad that you refer to your child as an 'it'. Even if I didn't have my own babies I would never refer to any human being as that. You obviously know you need help and soon. It's totally normal go find parenthood hard work and a struggle and maybe have some regrets but this seems so much more than that. I hope you get the support you both need

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