Is contact with dad a good idea!

[Lucie31]

I’m in desperate need of advice, my ex and I split up 8 months ago, our relationship was turbulent to say the least, which is why I decided enough was enough and needed to get out for the children’s sake. This make him angry and he lashed out at me in front of the children which was the final straw. He’s extremely apologetic and vows it’ll never happen again, but I’ve heard all of it before... he’s changed.... he’ll be better.... we’ll I’m not interested, all I want is for him to have contact with his son. Our son is 3 years old and I have tried time and time again to maintain the relationship between them but my ex just wants us to get back together, he uses every opportunity of contact to plea with me to rekindle, Contact has stopped a few times due to me questioning dads mental state and threats of suicide have been made. He’s even turned his son away when supposed to be having a visit because I wouldnt talk about us. I’ve tried mediation, I’ve tried anything and everything I can think of. We have started visits again around 3 weeks ago and he FaceTimes every evening. He’s now getting the hint I think, but now he’s angry again and telling me he’ll tell our son that I am tearing the family apart, that my son is going to hate me for keeping his dad from him. He’s venomous and I’m worried he’s emotionally damage my son. Can I stop contact, if so how without it seeming like I just don’t want it any more?? I really am only trying to do what I think is best for my son. Any advise would be greatly appreciated TIA

[loopylass13]

Daily facetime is a bit much, is it court ordered? It means you don't get space and reeks of typical controlling behaviour (checking up on you etc). If not ordered, maybe claim to have broken whatever device lets you do that?? You could stop your effort on trying to maintain their father/son relationship, as in no chasing him. If he wants to see son at his suggestion then select certain days in advance. I would consider being less available via social media and phone, the latter responding but not directly. I would try to keep EVERYTHING in writing so any abusive behaviour is recorded. Sounds like you make the effort and are abused for it, so that is what i suggest pulling back on especially if you have been through mediation. What was the outcome of mediation? What (if anything) has been agreed in terms on contact?

[Lucie31]

FaceTime is not court ordered it was suggested by dad. And don’t want to seem like im coming between them and stopping contact. But it is too much, for everyone involved I think, and never thought about it in that way (keeping tabs!)
I have blocked him from everything, even my phone when he’s not FaceTimeing as he messages non stop. I’ve made up a folder of everything, messages, police reference numbers, mediation letters.
At mediation we provisionally made plans for visits once a week but even the mediator said she worried that conversations in front of our son could escalate and wouldn’t be good for him. So we left it as a ‘suggested plan’ until FaceTime that evening where dad told our son he was seeing him that weekend! I feel I’m over a barrel. He knows I don’t want to let our son down, so can call me a bad mum and imply that I’m not putting my children first so I keep trying to prove that’s not true.
I know what he’s doing but it’s proving it to the right people to stop contact, and not seeming like I’m the one using our son as a weapon.

[loopylass13]

Yeah - boot the facetime! It also means he won't be able to spring any more surprise contacts on you. Change your number. Maybe get a cheap phone (just for calls/texts) that is specifically for contact with him. You can keep it on silent or off, maybe check it every other day or so.

Ignore his opinions on being a bad mum. Not worth the time of day. The more you try to prove him wrong, the more attention you are giving him so this is the motivation for him to carry on. He might still be a jerk but basically don't feed it. Sounds like the best thing you can do for yourself and your child is create some distance. You are not letting your son down, likely you will do him a favour in the long term not running around trying to maintain this level of contact with someone abusive.

[Lucie31]

Thanku very much for your advice

[Starlight2345]

My ex used contact as a way of contacting me.
I stopped then offered contact in a contact centre.
I found he lost interest in myself ( never really was about my son ) when I stopped trying to make him be a good dad.
If he cancelled for one of his lame excuses just said fine . For someone abusive I would not let them FaceTime

[probablynotthesame]

I would suggest you have a separate phone just a cheap one and give him that number so he has contact through that for your son. He sounds very controlling and you need to be able to relax without having him pester you all the time.

Do you have a family member/ friend that could facilitate contact with your son so as not to pursue you instead of actually engaging with his son?

I don’t think cutting contact is the right thing (I’m from a previous DA relationship and think as long as you take precautions you shouldn’t cut the father out) could you speak to your health visitor for some recommendations?

Failing this perhaps taking him to court for access would be appropriate as you’ve tried mediation already.

[Lucie31]

We tried using a friend as a go between but he bombarded them with messages to forward to me and pleaded with them to persuade me to give him another chance, it ended with him getting drunk and starting a fight with my friends husband which inevitably resulted in him no longer being welcome in their house.
I have genuinely tried all I can think of as I don’t want our son to grow up without his dad, as I did and feel it’s not best for any child.
I think court is the only way to try and resolve it but what do I do in the meantime? He says he will do whatever I say as he wants to be part of his sons life too, but then bombards me again with messages that he’s changed and the only way to make our son happy is if we get back together. I just want us to be able to all move forward positively, I have an 11 year old daughter also who is becoming increasingly anxious by the whole situation, but one of us are able to move forward properly because of the constant circles.

[probablynotthesame]

In that case I would cut any contact until you get a court date. He is trying to bully you into being with him, that is abuse please don’t be ‘guilt tripped’ into anything.

Block his number do what you have to, he’s upsetting yourself, you’re daughter and your son you share together. Your job is to protect your children.

Can you afford a solicitor? If not you may be entitled to legal aid. I would recommend to have any further contact with your ex through your solicitor.

You could get an appointment with citizens advice or call up woman’s aid for advice.

[Lucie31]

I think women’s aid would be a good option, just to find out where I stand and what my rights are. I have other legal things I’m trying to put in place also. DV assist. Thanks so much for your advice, it’s very much appreciated.

[probablynotthesame]

I would also suggest you get into contact with your health visitor. In my experience they are so good and helpful.

When I was going through leaving a DV/DA relationship in the interim of the break up and a court date she said due to his anger/inconsistency etc that it would ok to cut contact in her professional opinion until the court had been involved.

Obviously everyone’s situation is different but for me to have that back up of a professional gave me so much more confidence and reassurance that I was doing the right thing.

Like I said before I believe every child has the right to access with their father/mother, however not compromising their safety. If you need to cut contact until a solution has been found then that’s you looking after your child and keeping them safe. Don’t feel guilty!