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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Whats best for DS??!!

14 replies

MommaBear1 · 18/02/2018 12:18

DS is now 2.5 years old. POS 'father' wanted me to terminate him, had no involvement during pregnancy ( and therefore not on birth certificate) and had only 3 very brief visits since he was born ( last visit was when ds was 6 months old) He now wants to start seeing ds and is insisting on dna test first all of a sudden. His visits are likely to be sporadic at best and my concern is that armed with dna he can then go for parental responsibility. There are valid concerns why I do not want him to have any parental responsibility towards him but would have no problem with him seeing ds. Is it possible for him to legally revoke parental rights before we do the dna test?

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ThisLittleKitty · 18/02/2018 21:11

Why would it matter if he has pr? I doubt he will agree to it and it does sound rather extreme IMO.

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MommaBear1 · 19/02/2018 09:53

My main concerns are that no decision he makes will be based on ds's best interests, He has spent 2 years ignoring him and blanking him in the street and only seems to be showing interest now since discovering that ds is financially secure. He landed the dna demand 2 days after I left hospital ( I went in for a biopsy and he is aware of that). The icing on the cake is knowing that he did nothing while his on/off girlfriend mentally abused and bullied his eldest daughter and despite being aware of it and stating how much happier his daughter was when the ex moved out , repeatedly got back with the ex gf. I am not willing for ds to suffer the way his daughter has but neither can I prove anything :(

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Starlight2345 · 19/02/2018 13:07

If I was you I would be allowing the add hoc contact rather than going to court as he will get pr.

How does he know about biopsy ? I would make sure he is given no knowledge . If people are passing information onto him you need to firstly tell them to stop but also tell them very limited information .
I would do contact at a soft play at this age . He can go off and play with your Ds , you can be there but keep distance .

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Kingsclerelass · 19/02/2018 14:37

Does your ex pay child maintenance? Now your dc is past the nappy stage and is sleeping through, is he thinking he can reduce his payments by having him overnight once a week?
His insistence on DNA test suggests to me his interest is financial in some way. By financially secure, do you mean your DS has inherited some money? If so, you need to make sure the capital cannot be accessed until adulthood.
Agree with Starlight. Start off with an offered meet at soft play and see how they interact.

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MommaBear1 · 19/02/2018 18:24

I live in a very small town so everyone knows everyone - he only needed to ask someone I work with and he would have found out why I was in hospital. He doesnt pay a penny towards ds and for the pennies I would get versus the hassle he would give me really doesnt make it worthwhile claiming for tbh. Ive already considered meeting at our local softplay area - might be interesting to see how long it takes him to work out which toddler is his son....DS is fortunate to have an inheritance with 2 more to follow. If something were to happen to me, the majority would be in trust for him, but I also want him to receive a small annual sum towards other things which comes from saving schemes that mature at different stages.Ive worked and saved damn hard to provide for his future and the thought of a sperm donor getting his grubby mitts on it when he doesnt even remember the month ds was born ( and certainly doesnt care about him) fills me with dread.

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Louw12345 · 19/02/2018 23:20

If he only wants to see his child for financial gain it will be super hard to keep it for that amount of time.
Do the DNA test and let him take you to court if he wants PR but don't stop him from seeing his child as that will go against you in court.
The best interests for your child is that you tried for your ds and dad to have a relationship you set the ground rules and stick to them

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MommaBear1 · 20/02/2018 01:35

I have no problem with them forming a relationship in a safe environment...its the pr part that bothers me, especially when his reasons for waiting this long seem highly questionable. DS is a wonderful, intelligent, happy little boy who is loved and cherished by those he has involvement with. He has a happy and stable homelife and although it is ds's right to see his sperm donor dad , Im extremely hesitant in doing anything that gives him/leads to him having a major say in ds's life when he has treated ds as if he doesnt exist till now.

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Starlight2345 · 20/02/2018 08:53

This is the reason I would allow contact.

My Ds’s dad had no interest in my Ds ( although contact was about something different ) it was too much like hard work to maintain it .

He will have to pay court to add it but while I completely agree with you I don’t think he should have pr. no court will consider your reasons valid .
I would also be tempted to let him know all inheritance is locked away till he is an adult .

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ThisLittleKitty · 20/02/2018 10:40

I really don't get why people are so weird about pr. What do you think he is going to do with it? My kids dad has pr and it's never been an issue. (And he is completely absent!)

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Starlight2345 · 20/02/2018 12:25

The reason is been absent completely can make it more difficult traveling abroad , some abusive ex’s use it as form of control .
My ex has pr and is absent and as such it doesn’t effect us except travel

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MommaBear1 · 20/02/2018 14:45

Legally he would only need to see ds once every 6 months ( but no minimum time is stated so a 30 minute visit could be enough!) yet with pr still get equal say in ds life from holidays abroad, education, medical treatment, adoption and custody in the event of my death. Being a complete stranger to ds yet being able to soon have the ability to have a major say in his life should he wish to seems totally unfair. I thought I knew him after 6+ years... but his narcissism, pettiness and spitefulness were well hidden till I fell pregnant. The only method of communication he now has ( other than face to face ) is on private messenger on fb. Part of me now regrets deleting some of the awful things he has said about ds, but I know I did the right thing ensuring ds can never read them for himself. Things were so much simpler when ds simply didnt exist to him

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ThisLittleKitty · 20/02/2018 14:57

But that's only if you ask him about that stuff, if he is absent then I doubt he's going to care what school the child goes to, and as for travelling just carry the child's bc no big deal. And if he only sees him once every 6 months I really still can't see how he's even going to know about day to day stuff such as medical treatment and schooling.

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ThisLittleKitty · 20/02/2018 15:00

as pp said probably just best to agree to him seeing him as if he does go to court he will be awarded anyway.

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MommaBear1 · 20/02/2018 15:32

Seeing him is a completely seperate issue as I feel I can ensure that visits occur in safe locations etc. Ds most certainly has a right to visit his father ( in a safe manner). I had already agreed to him visiting ds and I had spent over a year trying to get him to at least say hi to ds in the street. Giving him rights beyond that straight away ( or providing the means for him to easily obtain those rights) is the only part I have an issue with, especially so early on. If I dont actually need to tell him about any of our plans regarding schools, holidays, moving home etc then it isnt as bad as I can just not tell anyone anything - that may be the simplest ( and cheapest) solution. Thank you :)