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Getting a residency order

(12 Posts)
Nikitasol Wed 14-Feb-18 08:57:26

Has anyone gone through this process? How horrible is it? Is it ultimately worth it? Left an EA relationship, DC doesn't want to go to him and he's saying EA stuff to son when he's at his.

I'm going to stop mediation as it's been so awful and this feels like next step. Would you recommend or try to avoid at all costs? Really confused.

Queenofthedrivensnow Wed 14-Feb-18 14:53:35

Residence order doesn't exist it's a child arrangements order now. What are your grounds? Whet do you want to achieve? Happy to help but need more informetion

StrongerThanIThought76 Wed 14-Feb-18 18:17:55

Are you hoping to stop contact? Neither residency order nor child arrangements order will achieve this.

Mediation only works if both partes are engaged in it, and is usually not recommended in EA cases in my experience

Nikitasol Sat 17-Feb-18 09:13:00

Thanks both.

It's not to stop him seeing dc but to keep it to one night pw and every other weekend. He wants him more but is screwing him up with EA comments about him and about me which are making my poor 4 year old loopy. He doesnt want to go to his dad's at all.and his dad isn't all that bothered. Just another way to control me.

On top of this ex has stepped up EA to me and I'm really frightened of him. But he's now telling people that I'm bullying him and being EA myself when I'm not. I'm trying to have as little to do with him as possible apart from handovers. All communication via email only.

But he was so vile during a handover last week that I felt like I'd been assaulted. I am really unsure about how to proceed but cannot go back to mediation with him. It has been so unbelievably awful so so horrible.

He's so charming that no one knows what he's like. All the DV charities have said go to court.

Thing is I'm so exhausted from years of this that I'm not sure I'm strong enough to deal with it and wondering if there's a half way house between stopping mediation but not going to court?

NorthernSpirit Sat 17-Feb-18 09:31:17

Stop mediation. You don’t need a residency order, you need a contact order.

How old is your child? Is he old enough to decide no contact?

You can apply for a contact order yourself (just tick the box that mediation has been unsuccessful) - it costs £215 and you can represent yourself.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Sat 17-Feb-18 09:46:39

I got an order, for the sole purpose to put contact arrangements in writing and stop my ex’s threatening DS with taking him to live with him permanently and stopping him from being able to call me if he didn’t do x, y & z. I agree however that residence orders do not exist in the same form nowadays.

The mediation service should NOT have agreed to work with you if there was abusive and controlling behaviour during the relationship, so go back to them and explain the situation and those things you didn’t say in your first interview on your own with them,

Nothing that has been said in mediation can be used in court but I would talk to them anyway just for the sake of being able to say under oath that the mediation service didn’t recommend mediation to continue or it was stopped after threatening behaviour from your ex. Much better than saying you abandoned mediation because it was not getting you anywhere.

Problem of going to court is that it brings the absolute worst on an abusive man. My ex went to some heights I could have NEVER EVER predicted as we had a relatively peaceful marriage and friendly split. I suppose that being so competitive he just saw the court process as another game to win.

It was very costly, both on terms of money and emotional resources. Neither DS or I have yet recovered from the emotional damage it brought in. It was also all about control, it was all his way or no way, so he has not seen DS since the order was put in place.

I would consider very carefully whether you want to get into a proper legal fight with him or you may achieve more working with your son on finding a way to improve the time with his dad or to stay safe.

I agree it may be sometimes impossible to avoid court, if things are so bad you are the only one who can fight your child córner and you should if things are that bad.

Nikitasol Sat 17-Feb-18 10:01:53

He's 4 @northernspirit

Nikitasol Sat 17-Feb-18 10:09:23

Thank you @notsurethiswhatiwant I am worried about exactly what you've been through happening. Although I left him as was so unhappy the first six months after were manageable but his behaviour is getting worse and worse and the fallout from court feels very scary especially given living in a small city where everyone knows everyone and he's hugely popular to boot.

I cannot sleep. Haven't for months trying to work out what to do about it all. I need to make things OK for dc but there's a possibility as you've said that this action (going to court) would impact on him more seriously too.

Not helped by fact that ex is now going out with a child psychiatrist who is totally under his spell. Feels like if he presents at court with his respectable job and her and his charm it may all backfire for me anyway.

CollyWombles Sat 17-Feb-18 10:34:08

PP's are right, a residency order is only really necessary if there is any dispute over who the main carer or the child is and if there is any concern the Non resident parent may not hand back dc or take them away somewhere.

I got a residency order, it was very straight forward as my EXH didn't contest it. He had breached bail going to the DC school so I think he knew he would lose. It does not mention anything regarding contact other than him being unable to take DC out of the region we live in without my permission and that my DC can legally be returned to me (the police can get them) from ExH if he doesn't bring them back in time.

A contact order is different. The judge will decide on how much etc by gathering reports, depending on the age of children, their opinions and so forth. It could end up the judge grants more or less time.

You don't need either of the above to refuse contact. You can just do it. However it will then be your EXH responsibility to take you to court for contact,

Nikitasol Sat 17-Feb-18 10:50:10

The thing is I don't want to stop all contact with ex and dc. I can see that he does love him and that dc wants to see him, just a certain amount i.e. one night a week and eo we etc. so how would that play out with family court? Could they potentially award him more time? I do worry that if there wasn't a concrete plan that he will just keep messing us both around and confuse / upset dc or refuse to give him back.

Queenofthedrivensnow Sat 17-Feb-18 13:44:03

A court order will give you a concrete plan of contact. My exh took me to court but the routine he's now stuck with cut his fuckwittery right down.
Handovers need to be supported by a 3rd party if he can't behave. No handovers and the kids just goes to school are best - can you work toward that?

Nikitasol Sat 17-Feb-18 21:25:34

The majority of handovers since new year have been through nursery. One a week or so. In person. I'm so frazzled from it all and scared I'm wondering now whether to move away.

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