Worried about Childcare situation - do I say something?

[NGC2017]

Hi

Before I begin I fully understand the age of my child and therefore can what he tells me be believed? But I cant help but worry about this.

My child has been with a childminder now since nearly 1 years old. He will be 4 in a few months time. Everything started perfectly. I felt like she adored him like I did. When he hit 2 I felt it would be beneficial for him to be split between a nursery and her care, which worked for him great. But it was from that point I haven’t felt the same. I cant explain what, but since his hours have been cut I have felt like her attention to his has massively changed. That, and in the last 18 months he has protested and cried every time he has had to go.

Before I am judged for leaving it so long, please understand my reasons for doing this. I have wondered if he is just pulling on my heart strings, to which I am regularly told he is doing. When I collect him he was delighted to see me and straight out the door. I have looked elsewhere but there has been no availability. Not only that, familiarity is so important for my child. So although I haven’t felt 100% satisfied, at the same time I felt I had no grounds for concern just because he was crying every time.

So in these last few weeks it has progressed worse. And I have now made the decision to withdraw him. Everytime her name is mentioned he cries hysterically. We drive past her house he will cry and panic and start saying no not there. When dropping him off he is dragging me back away from the door telling me he is scared. I have to ask him why and all he says is he doesn’t want to go there. It can be frustrating him not telling me exactly why, but it is very hard to dismiss just how upset and scared he is now. She has even started contacting me now during the day, just to say he is really happy, but she has never done this before. I think its because she has noticed me becoming more aware of his distress. It really is every time her name is mentioned. And it's real tears.

I made the decision to give notice before he said anything. I am going to work uncomfortable by how I have had to leave him. But at the weekend he told his Grandad. Whilst they were playing his Grandad asked him if he enjoyed it at his friends house on Friday. He then took to opportunity to ask if he enjoys his Nanny looking after him and then he asked if he enjoyed his childminder. He answered each one. He finally answered about his childminder saying 'no' and said she is ‘always very angry at him and very loud and shouts at him’ and how she ‘makes him cry because he doesn’t eat his pizza or get dressed fast’. When I heard this my heart sank, because my son is very slow at getting dressed, and very slow at eating etc. This is due to his sensory processing so everything takes more time than ever. I haven’t ruled out that he could just be saying it, but the reasons he has given is how he is, slow at doing things.

This morning his Nanny asked him if he was going to his Childminders this week and he burst into tears say no, please don’t make me go. I will be a good boy. Needless to say my Mom called me crying, which then made me cry and come to the decision I will pay her notice and find alternative arrangements.

I do not feel comfortable at all anymore with him being there. It also reminds me of the few times I have witnessed her snapping at him and one time imparticular, I just caught the end of it, but found him hysterically crying and her red faced saying he was upset because he missed the toilet. I had no choice but to dismiss these things as I hadn't seen it all happen.

I do feel heartbroken about all this, as even if only a small part of it is true then I have sent my son somewhere that has scared him for a long time. Do I just chalk it up to experience and remove him for her setting like I am doing, or do I say something? Obviously I am aware that his age is against me which is why I feel I cant say anything.

Thanks in advance

[DontDIY]

Hello,

I have no real advice, because unfortunately it’s really his word against hers. But maybe if you did give her your reasoning, her reaction will tell you more? Are there other parents you could discreetly talk to?

But you are your sons only advocate here, so I’d say trust your instinct. I think you’re definitely doing the right thing. I’m sorry you’ve both had to go through that every day. My son was a bit like this when he was spilt between two nurseries. Loved one, hated the other. It was bloody hard and I knew he really was fine after the first 5 minutes! Your son sounds quite traumatised

My sons childminder was an absolute angel. Her and my son adored each other and as her own son was a similar age, he would stay for sleepovers occasionally, or she’d keep him later for dinner, etc. I NEVER had a moments doubt about leaving him there. Thats what you and your son need, and it is out there

[Everywhereilookaround]

She's Registered with Ofsted? You must report this...don't feel guilty because you haven't done anything wrong...but you must report this for the sake of all the future children. X

[Sabsy1]

Definitely report her. Thats appaling. I really feel for your son. Thats truly hearbreaking that he suffered for so long. If he is so deeply disturbed by it, does he need some sort of counselling? Would it help to speak to someone else, rather than you?

[Godotsarrived]

Please always believe your child. Report your concerns to Ofsted and the local authority. Always believe the child.

[GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat]

Gosh.

I’ve had children over the years who cry and don’t want to come in but it’s always very short lived and I do try and reassure with photos and messages after they have left. But what you describe is a whole other level. I’m shocked actually.

[lucylondon32]

Hi,
I would definitely give your son the benefit of the doubt and find alternative arrangements, why would he make it up to such and extent and to last for so long? My 3yo cries going into nursery but when I pick her up she'll say she's had a good day. Hope you're ok. Keep us updated x

[DunnoWhy]

Yes, definitely believe your child and remove him from her care.

I had reasons to report a childminder to the council's education dept in charge of the registered childminders in our borough. After my complaints they inspected her but it was our words against her and when they inspected her she told them what they want to hear, of course. So no action was taken.
The only good that came out of my complaints was that the complaints are logged on the childminder's inspection records in a couple of short lines. If nothing was proven either way, the report will state this. Still, the fact that there had been a complaint is bad enough to put off some parents if they read it properly and see the signs but also I know that many parents in my area, either don't check such records or don't take any notice (an outer London borough with very poor childcare facilities).

The fact that it's recorded in her files might make her change her attitude in the future.

(In our case, it made our childminder rather angry and arrogant, she put through our door some angry wengeful notes full of lies and her anger issues was the reason of my complaint in the first place among other issues such as feeding).

[NGC2017]

Thank you all for your replies.

I suffer with pretty bad anxiety so brought this issue up tonight in counselling. She made me realise that it is not my duty to keep her topped up with income and that I need to follow my instincts. I believe my son completely. Nothing is secret with him. And what he is saying makes sense because of his struggles. This is why it is so sad. His SPD affects us daily. It has also been explained to her the extra time it takes to do things with him so she knows. Forcing him into doing things faster only makes him more frightened. I feel so guilty that I've let it go on so long hoping he would grow out of it, but it's never stopped. He can go everywhere else with ease. Her's may as well be the scariest place in the world to him.
I had a good talk with his pre school today and they were playing with him and asking him questions. He was vague at first like he usually is and then he said he didn't like going because she gets hangry with him. His teacher said so your childminder is hungry. He said no she shouts and gets hangry at me. She said so you mean she get angry at you? He said yes and I get scared. Immediately she said it needs to be raised but agrees he needs to be removed from the setting. They also mentioned how there doesn't appear to be any relationship between them. My son is so well mannered and polite. He doesn't even say goodbye to her when she drops him off. He rushes away from her but with me and my his nan he holds our hand to class and kisses us goodbye. But they have noticed he doesn't saying anything to her just runs away. He has been going for 2 and a half years now. The first year he idolized her. Now he cries at her name being said. You would think they would have a great relationship by now?
I suppose im just devastated his felt this way for so long. And I feel responsible for his sadness

[DunnoWhy]

You are already removing him from her care and you have other option such as the nursery so it'll be good from now on.

Try not to blame yourself, you did what you thought was the best for your child, with the knowledge you had at the time. We can only do what we think is the best. From now on, you'll keep a very close eye on the feedback he gives about the nursery-school he goes to.

And you say your child had a good relationship with her initially but the situation only got really bad in the last two weeks or so, and you noticed the big difference and therefore took action. Well, from now on, he will not be with her, so it's good.

Your son will get over it, he will get used to his new childcare setting, provided that it is a good fit for his needs. Kids forget and forgive so easily, they are not burdened with suspicion and caution and long term memory, they live in the moment. So once he is in the right place, he'll fit in and develop nicely. He might remember the negative feelings associated with that child minder for a while but he'll eventually forget it, he is too young to be carrying it over to his adult life if he no longer lives in that environment.

A professional child minder behaving in an out-of-order- angry-manner is not your fault and you would not know or guess it.

I found out as soon as I became a mum, that, feeling guilty comes with the territory. It's so true. Anyway, good luck.