How do I co-parent when he's accused me of assault?

[RoseNarene]

On Friday I went to drop my youngest at my ex's as I do every fortnight. He is living in what is still my house (I left because of emotional abuse and I couldn't force him to leave so I left to protect myself and the girls) and I needed to pick something up. For some reason, he has been particularly off with me recently - he's not a nice person anyway but unless we argue (always over text and always about money as finances are not yet sorted - working on it!!) he actually puts on a lot of fake nice-ness which just makes me roll my eyes as I know he doesn't mean it, but at least when it's there it's a sign that everything is at least tolerable.

Anyway... so he's been off with me (I think because we are due to attend mediation and I think realisation may have set in that he's not going to be able to offer me less than half the house's equity) so he wasn't best pleased when I wanted something of mine from the house. Long story short - he wouldn't let me get it, so I went looking for it anyway and he tried to physically stop me so I pushed him off me, gently. He stepped back as anyone would if they were gently or roughly pushed, but it wasn't even a stumble. He called 999 accusing me of assault and I had to be interviewed under caution, when I found out that he said that I used my forearm to push him on his throat against the wall!!! The bloke is massive and A LOT stronger than me; there's no way I could have been able to do that.

He's completely and utterly lying to the police and they're sending it to the CPS as they say they can't decide who is telling the truth.

I've had time to reflect on the situation and, putting aside any implications for my record and the pure sense of triumph my ex must be getting, my focus really has been on where we go from here. I'm already devastated by how this has upset my girls (my 5 year old was screaming at him "Please don't call the police, I don't want Mummy to go to prison!" and crying her little heart out) as calling 999 was totally unnecessary and we wouldn't have been in that situation if he hadn't been going to the extra effort of redirecting my mail rather than keep it to one side for me to collect once a fortnight (another thing I am sorting but it's hard to remember absolutely EVERYTHING that you need to change your address on).

I went to the Separated Parenting Information Programme last year as we went to court for a child arrangement order (he wanted 50/50 but we agreed on 60/40 in my favour) and they told us all this stuff on how we are meant to work together for the sake of the kids, including putting the past behind us and not bad mouthing the other parent and all this stuff... it's all common sense really. And I have been trying my best for my girls, I really have. I offered to swap a weekend with him so that he could have Father's Day with the girls, as the current pattern means he doesn't. Not because I care about him, but because it was the nice thing to do and that maybe it would contribute to a better relationship between us for the sake of the girls. This is the sort of thing I am always doing.

But now, of course, I am angry and upset by what he has done. He knows I would never assault anyone. He knows he is lying. He's doing it to hurt me, punish me, maybe even prove that I am aggressive so that he can go back to court to get more custody of the children, and also to keep me away from the house as I know he hates that I have a right to just walk in, even though I don't do that unless I am dropping the girls off and need something of mine from the house - which he has let me do before!

I know I am naive. I always see the best in people, or try to find the good in the bad people... I'm still in shock that he is willing and able to tell such lies to the police about me. I just don't understand how anyone can lie about something so serious, especially when the sole purpose of it is to get the other person in trouble, not even to defend yourself. I know I'm an idiot for trying to be nice and offer him things in an effort to make our parenting relationship better... but I had to believe that it would get better. The thought of us not being able to make things work for the sake of our girls in the future fills me with dread... I don't want my daughters going off the rails or suffering in any way because their parents can't get on. But it takes two to make that happen and I have tried and tried and tried - and this is what I get: an erroneous accusation of assault.

What am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to approach our parenting relationship? How can I make this better for my girls?

[Dancingfairy]

I'm not to sure on this. I'm sure if roles were reverse and it was a man who entered the woman home to get something so the woman tried to stop him and the man pushed her people would say she was justified in calling the police. Maybe next time get the stuff when he is out the house. I know you can also be escorted by the police if there is likely to be trouble so maybe that aswell?

[RoseNarene]

He was all over me and the push was just to get him out of my personal space. It was not a shove or anything like that. And I certainly didn't do what he said I did.

[RoseNarene]

And I did not enter HIS home. It is my home too.

[Starlight2345]

I think you need to be realistic about how he behaves . You will not co parent with this man . Parent him your way on the days you have them and leave him to it the days he does . He isn’t going to listen to your opinion anyway .

Don’t offer things like weekend swaps . I bet he won’t do it for you . However if he asks to swap and it works for you then do so. If you keep giving without asking he will simply keep taking .

Also do not argue through text . It will not resolve anything and I had a mantra . Hold the higher moral ground . It took me far

Also despite yes you have a legal right to enter you maybe put yourself in a very vulnerable position .

[BiologyMatters]

If it was such a minor push why was your small child screaming about mummy going to prison?

[Snowydaysarehere]

My ex tried to get me done for assault also. He had his foot in my back door trying to snoop in my new home. I shoved the door closed and he stumbled back. He claimed I had scratched his face. I had long gel nails at the time - which def didn't correspond with the tiny mark on his face. The judge threw the case out - I had to endure an interview but not under caution. I had to agree to be bound over which was crappy when I hadn't done anything!! I did say if I HAD wanted to assault him it would have def been obvious! You need to keep a diary, get evidence together of his behaviour +attitude towards you. Don't be swapping /altering times with the dc. Keep to arrangements - tell him communicate by text /email so you have proof .

[RoseNarene]

Biology wow. Just... wow. because my daughter is 5 and the moment she heard him say "I'm calling the police" that's what she assumed would happen. Because she's 5. But cheers, thanks for the support. Bet you're a joy in your household.

[ThisLittleKitty]

Agree with biology tbh. Either way you should have left when things became heated.

[BiologyMatters]

You put your child In that situation.

[HonkyWonkWoman]

I feel that you will have to tread carefully with this lying, vindictive, bitter person. In future if you need something from "yours and his" house and he refused for you to get it. I would ring the Police and see if they will oversee while you get your stuff. He's a nasty piece of work!

[fuzzywuzzy]

Always take a friend or someone with you as witness.

Do not offer him anything.


Get yourself a solicitor.

And press for the house to be sold.

Also speak to the police and go get your things from the house, or wait till you know he’s out and clear out all your stuff.

You know he’s not a nice man and will try and get you in trouble don’t put yourself in that position.
Your poor children.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Hmmm. You need to get your divorce finalised ASAP and if it’s going to take a while you need to get your things out of the house and don’t let yourself in or push past him to get access. Sort your post out. You can arrange a redirect through Royal Mail.

It sounds like a mess and the people who are going to suffer the most are your shared children.

As he’s now alleging assault/abuse, I expect he’ll say that mediation isn’t appropriate. That’s certainly what a woman would be told if the police had been called and the CPS were investigating something like this.

You can’t “coparent” when there’s this much bad blood between you. You can parallel parent, each be responsible for the children when they’re with you. Don’t get into spats. Don’t slag each other off. Don’t have nasty text fights. You need to rise above any scrapping.

Keep things calm and official. Communicate by email. Don’t propose flexibility if you don’t think he’ll reciprocate.

He might be a complete bastard but you’ve really opened yourself up to looking pretty awful by your own actions. He doesn’t walk into the home you’re living in, you don’t barge into where he lives. While you might have the right to get your things when you want them as you jointly own the house, and I don’t know if you do, it’s not a good idea. You’re antagonising him and if you claim he’s a dangerous monster who forced you to leave, that doesn’t make you look sensible at all.

Screaming kids and police involvement is a bad place to be at any point but in the middle of a residency battle it’s horrific.

[RoseNarene]

Jesus Christ, the shit he has put me through and some of you talk to me like this is all my fault. Yeah it probably wasn't my finest move but it was born of a desire not to be constantly under his control. It's always about control with him. Through his emotional abuse of me he got me to leave the house. He got me to leave my job. I had anxiety and couldn't sleep. He's been throwing my mail away. He threatened to throw all my belongings onto the street. He threatened to have the cat put down. He used my Amazon subscription without my knowledge and even ordered a film on it, the money for which came out of my bank account. Yeah, maybe I was naive but I never imagined he would call the police when he has never had an issue with me accessing my property in the past. Something has clearly annoyed him, which has led him to change his attitude towards me. But seriously - even if I was in the wrong for looking for my own property in my own house, does that make it ok that he has lied to the police about what happened? I am the victim here and I'll thank you not to treat me like a liar.

[Starlight2345]

To be honest , I think you do need to listen to what others have said . You have responded to what you don’t agree with . People are commenting on what they see on your post . They do not know your life history .
You seem to have totally disregarded any suggestions of how to parent and protect yourself.

[ThisLittleKitty]

We'll don't enter the house with him there if he is that bad! Sounds like there's drama every time you go there.

[RoseNarene]

Yes you're right, I have only responded to the people who got my back up. But I haven't ignored the others.

Thank you all for the advice, it's all sensible stuff... although it's my house and I'm upset at the control he is allowed to maintain, I won't go back there. If I need something I will take the police with me - they have told me I can do that. My mum is going to help me with handovers so I never have to see him and contact will be on an emergency basis only. I will continue to try and sort finances and if he refuses mediation I guess we will just end up in court.

I've just heard from the police and they're not referring it to CPS after all, so that's good at least...

[RoseNarene]

Not every time I go there, no... like I said, he's taken no issue with how I have gone in to get stuff before. But something has clearly riled him this week and my need to go in and get something has come at the wrong time and clearly pissed him off to the point where he was prepared to make false allegations against me in order to get rid of me.

The more I think about it the more I reckon he was trying to get evidence to get a restraining order to prevent me going to the house.

[BiologyMatters]

You did assault him though even if you don't think its that bad. You barged into his house (irrelevant if you own it, you don't live there, its his home) pushed him, and caused a scene which resulted in your children being upset. Youve got no right to push your way into his house. You caused that situation and now wish to paint yourself as a victim. Your children are the victims in this.

[SD1978]

I fortunately when dealing with a highly unreasonable person, you have to be highly reasonable. A hard lesson you’ve learnt now. It’s not right or fair- but at least you now know the way it has to be. If you want access to the house, it will have to be done with police. Can you organise a day and go and get all your belongings, then this is t an issue? Instead of having things there you want/need. Keep all communication to a minimum and offer nothing- stick to the agreed arrangements and let him ask for a change if he wants one. I hope you are ok.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

The more I think about it the more I reckon he was trying to get evidence to get a restraining order to prevent me going to the house.

He doesn't need to get a restraining order, you have left the house and live somewhere else.

It is a pain to own the property and not have access but this is how it works.

If you have things in the house you may need to sort them through the courts as well.

[RoseNarene]

I am sorting it out, thanks.

Biology, you weren't there. I did not barge in. He let me in. I gently pushed him by his shoulder - that is not assault. I don't need to paint myself as the victim because I am the victim. He has made an erroneous allegation. Why do you care anyway?

[HonkyWonkWoman]

That's good news regarding the Police not getting the CPS involved.
So now, stay calm, don't get angry, do everything by the book and legally, like getting the Police to get your stuff with you.
Get a good Solicitor, force him to get the house up for sale, take him for every penny you possibly can.
And fucking bring the bastard to his knees.
Calmly, cooley! You can do this!

[BubblesPip]

I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this. Some people can stoop so low. I agree with pp, stay calm and get a solicitor on the case.

[drspouse]

Why isn't your post automatically forwarded through Royal Mail?

[DarthNigel]

Well at least the police have seen sense so that's one worry gone.
And the positive out of this is that now you know what he's capable of. As such everything you do now must be by the book-get legal advice and communicate with him via solicitor only unless brief texts about children's pick up times etc (and these should be kept factual, short, and to the point and only sent when absolutely necessary).
I understand why you are upset and why you would feel incredibly angry and hurt. But the way to win here is to detach and avoid all but necessary contact-and let your solicitor do the rest.
If you are due to go to mediation and you feel uncomfortable being in a room with him, say so-mediation can be done with the two of you in separate rooms and there is a case for that here I think.
Best of luck op