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My son always comes home I'll from his dads.....

(8 Posts)
bitzy12 Mon 05-Feb-18 09:31:19

I really do need some advice here as I just don't know what to do....

Let me start off by saying I am not in any way trying to stop my kids from seeing their dad, I'm not a bitter ex, not jealous.....just worried about my son.

I split from my children's dad 4 years ago, he then moved 120 miles away. Since then I have met some else, got married and am expecting dc 3 :-)

My kids are 9 and 7. My eldest is autistic.

The arrangement I have with their father is that my kids travel 120 miles every other Friday after school and come home Sunday tea time. They also go and stay for longer periods in the school holidays.

Ex moved back to his mum and dads when we split and is still there. The kids sleep in his bed and he goes on the sofa.

Every Sunday when I collect them (we meet half way at a service station) I notice straight away how shattered my son is. My daughter is always fine. She's a bit tired but it doesn't really affect her. But 120 miles is a long way. All Friday night and Sunday afternoon they just travel.

If ds needs a day off school due to illness, you can guarantee it will be the Monday after he's been with his dad. He has asthma and allergies aswell as autism. Sometimes he will come home and his eyes will be all puffy and red. After constant arguments with the ex, he has agreed to keep ds away from the family pets - that's the only thing I can put it down too. All I get from the ex is 'well he's fine when he's with me'

He has the attitude of 'when they aren't with me, it's not my problem'

So yesterday ds was very down when I picked him up. He also felt very warm, his eyes were red (not puffy), he was just exhausted. When we got home he told me he hated himself and didn't want to be alive anymore. I gave him some medicine and he refused any tea. So ate absolutely nothing and said he just wanted to be alone. This is part of his autism, he can get very down at times. I messaged his dad to ask how he's been at the weekend and also to tell him what ds has said with lots of :-( faces.

I got a reply which was basically the ex had told him off for not tidying up but otherwise he had been fine. That was it. No asking how he was or showing concern over the comments ds has made. I didn't even bother to reply and expected this kind of response of him.

This morning ds has been coughing a lot (signs of asthma coming and another thing that happens most times when he's been at his dads) he looks pale and he's so tired but I've sent him to school. I can't let him have another Monday off due to this or ds will expect it everytime he's been at his dads. I don't know if he will last the full day or not. He had 3 days off not last week but the week before to recover from the trip to his dads. He ended up with an ear infection which may just be coincidence but this really is happening a lot. If I look at last years absence sheet school send out, he had off 9 Monday's due to ether his eyes, coughing or just generally being knackered.

So what do I do? And how do I approach this? Has anyone been in a similar situation? It will just end up in an argument. Like I said above, I'm not trying to keep dcs away from their dad. I'm not trying to cut contact at all. If anything I'd love them to see their dad more and not to sound selfish but I need a break. I have a really tough time with my son and I need time to myself sometimes. Especially at the moment being pregnant.

All I can think of is they only travel in summer holidays. The rest of the time, he needs to come and see them here. He could possibly find somewhere to stay.

The problem is he's such a lazy, selfish twat who really isn't bothered about his kids....he will just laugh and say 'no chance' that's the reaction he's given me in the past. Literally laughed in my face when I suggested it.

Sorry for the long post, I just don't know what to do, it's really getting to me seeing my son so tired and down but I feel I have to send him or school will start to wonder.....and who's back will they be on at constant absence? Mine

ThisLittleKitty Tue 06-Feb-18 19:29:07

I'm not sure what to suggest tbh but noticed this had gone unasnwered. I don't think it would be fair for your ex to travel 240 miles, pay for a hotel near you to stay in and pay maintenance on top of that aswell. I know it's a lot of travelling but it's only every other weekend. I think it's best left how it is.

user1498854363 Tue 06-Feb-18 19:38:22

It sounds like you do need to revisit contact, especially for yr ds. Who agreed the arrangements? I appreciate ex may not want to do this, but contact is all about the kids and it is not working for yr ds. Arrange a time to talk about it. Other ways to have contact, technology etc. Also what about sharing the visits? 1 time kids travel, 1 time he does? Or think about other options, does it have to be Sunday pick up? Could it be earlier? Even if on a short term basis.
How do u get on with ex parents in laws?
Could u chat with them? Is anyone autism aware? He will need routine and consistency...

Kingsclerelass Thu 08-Feb-18 04:46:15

Is there something else leaving your son tired. A TV or games console.in the bedroom. Is your ex taking them out late to the pub because he doesn't have a babysitter? Can you talk to their grandmother? What are they getting to eat?

He sounds like my ex. If something doesn't affect him directly, he doesn't even notice someone else's discomfort. I solved this by my ex travelling down most Sundays to see ds and taking over my sitting room. I hate it but it means ds doesn't have to travel. I go out, cut the lawn, redecorate or anything just to be out of their way. But DS is happy. However, I don't have a new partner which makes it easier for me.

What does your Ds want?

redexpat Thu 08-Feb-18 05:13:09

Is your ex ensuring that DS gets enouhh sleep? Is he being put to bed properly?

Does DS have antihistamines? Any preventative? If not could you get some.

I would recommend you keep a diary.

Contact is supposed to be for the benefit of the dc and the current areangement isnt benefitting your DS.

Hidingtonothing Thu 08-Feb-18 05:17:26

OP have you asked what happens while he's at his dad's, whether he stays up late etc? I get that the travelling will be tiring but I would be wondering what else is going on if it's this bad tbh.

0ccamsRazor Tue 13-Feb-18 11:45:40

Have you talked two the school about this? If they are aware that your da is having health issues when he comes back from his dad, to the point of being off school, then they may be able to help you and your ds.

0ccamsRazor Tue 13-Feb-18 11:46:09

to not two hmm

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