Anyone else whos child doesn't see their Dad

[Shelley1]

I have a two and a half year old DD you doesn't see his Dad. He has started to ask questions about where his Daddy is and I am slightly miffed about how much to explain to him. Any advice you have would be good. xx

[kiminutter]

Hi Shelley1, my DD is 9 and DS1 is 8. Their dad 'disappeared' when I was 6mths pg with DS1 and I have only recently tracked him down. I have always made a point not to say anything negative about their dad when they are around, and as it turns out they have made their own minds up that he is a loser!
Whenever they have asked about him (which is rare) I tell them he lives a very long way away and that seemed to do the job, until recently. It is a tricky situation!

[Shelley1]

His Dad has seen him twice when he was five months old but nothing since then. I have told him that he has gone away and we don't see him anymore. Its so hard to know weather to try and get in touch with him so that my son can grow up knowing both parents or weather (as I believe at the moment) that he is better off without him and I give him everything he needs. I never in the world thought the decisions I would have to make would be so hard!!!!!

[kiminutter]

Does his dad have any family who might want to keep in touch? I found my husband's brother's wife here on MN and met her and the kids before confronting my husband! He still isn't interested in the kids but my SIL is going to keep in touch. The kids are happier now they know 'the other side' of the family.

[mogs0]

My ds had never met his dad. He sometimes mentions him.

The father of 3 of his friends died last year and I explained to my ds about how he'd been ill and had died etc. He now thinks that his Dad is dead too although I do tell him this isn't the case.

He recently told my Mum that his dad is dead and now my mum thinks he has deep psychological issues over his absent father!!!!

I just tell my ds that he does have a dad but he lives somewhere else and we don't see him at the moment. He's fine with that (as far as I can tell). He's 4 btw.

[beckybrastraps]

I'm not a lone parent, but my mum was one for a while. I have never met my biological father. I believe he saw me once as a baby, but I of course have no memory of that. When I was 4, my mum married the man who is now my dad. My dad adopted me a year later, and my brother and sister followed.

I'm actually rather grateful that there was no biological father around to complicate matters. No 'half' siblings, no 'stepdads'. We were one family, and I have never missed someone I have never known.

I get angry when I hear about fathers abandoning their children, while at the same time I am profoundly grateful that my own biological father did just that. Odd.

[Shelley1]

beckybrastraps, thanks for your message, that really helped, as I worry it will mess my ds up in the future. Just need to meet and marry the nice man now and all will be cool!!

[beckybrastraps]

Good luck

[climbingwalls]

Hi, my DS doesn't see his dad ever and when he did ask a few times when he was about 2.5 too I said that all families are different, some have mums, some have dads, some have a mum and dad, some have aunties, uncles, cousins etc etc and also readlots of books with different families in them and talked about how all families are different.

Now he never asks and just accepts that he hasn't got one but has lots of other family! When he's older he can know more.Hope this helps.

[honeypot01]

hi

my son is 5 i am a single mum and he doesnt see his dad, we dont know where he is he knows hes far far away and at mo seems happy with that thou im sure will ask things at a later date.

[lou33]

mine havent seen theirs since august

[Kimmya]

My DD is 7 and has never seen her father. He pays maintenance through CSA but we have no contact whatsoever. When DD was little I just told her that she didn't have a Daddy and that all families were different. Pointing out situations from books or TV when children had no parents or just one or the other. I always made sure she knew how much she was loved by the rest of her family. When she turned six though and starting asking those awkward questions I showed her a photo of her father and told her his name. We have since had lots of chats about it and I try to answer as honestly as poss (within her limits of understanding). Their two worlds will clash one day but hopefully not for a long long time.

[sibble]

This is a tricky one because everybody is so different. I am now 41 and never known my 'Dad'. I too had a great step dad and half brothers and sisters. Whenever I asked about him, I was shouted down. I first knew his name when I got married 6 years ago for the certificate. After that I plucked up courage and asked more about him to be told 'I heard he's dead!!'. Although I have never wanted to meet him, he didn't bother with me as far as I know, so why should I bother with him...but I would have liked to be a fly on the wall and watch him, see if I looked like him, had any of his characteristic, what sort of person he was etc... I don't have that opportunity now. I guess that what I'm saying is while protecting yourself and DD from disappointment, hurt whatever meeitng/talking about the father may cause...leave the door open and answer age appropriate questions. Let her feel she can ask questions.
Not sure if this helps and as I say everybody is different...

[lou33]

exh reckons he is back in the uk in july, i got an email from him

apparently he was due back today but he had an accident in april and ended up in hospital

he told me yesterday

you would have thought for the kids sake he could have got someone to contact me, seeing as he hasnt been in touch since feb until now

[matilda57]

It is a tricky one, but I think honesty is the best policy tbh. Even though it hurts, at least it's clear iyswim. Kids know that it takes a man and a woman to have a baby, so telling them they don't have a dad doesn't ring true for them - it just leaves them feeling confused: they know they're being lied to - or the issue is being fudged - and they assume it's bcs of something awful about them (no wonder your ds prefers to believe his dad is dead mogso - it's the neater answer (and he probably thinks he dad would have to be dead to not want to see him). imo it is better to tell them that their 'dad' has chosen to not take on the role of a dad. Heaps of long term encouragement and love at this point! Make sure they know it has nothing to do with them personally (though they won't be able to help taking it personally on some level). If having the 'dad' on the scene causes endless trouble and heartache, I think it's better they are out of the kids' lives. At least they can contact him when they're older? ie when they're old enough to understand the issues.

[elleinad]

I haven't seen my xp since i was 6mnths pregnant, don't know what i'll do in future, you just have to take each day as it comes.

[Choup1971]

Hi guys...I am new to the site, and saw this thread.
My son is almost four, and has never seen his dad. For various reasons, his father has never wanted to be involved, in any way. He doesn't pay maintenance (I haven't asked him to), and hasn't even asked to see a photo. He hasn't completely shut the door on his relationship with DS, though: we have an agreement whereby if something major happens to either of one us and if that could affect DS, then we talk. But I have to say that I find it really hard to have to do it all completely by myself.

DS sometimes mentions his dad. He knows his name, where he lives....I've told him that not all daddies live with their children, and it seems to work for now. But can someone recommend some good books with different kinds of families?

[divastrop]

my ds and dd1 (age 9 and 8)dont seetheir father.they were seeing him regularly till last year but there was an incident and they both decided he was a tosser and they dont want to see him again.

my ds2 is nearly 4.i split with his father when he was 4 months old and xh never bothered to get in touch or anything.ds2 hasnt asked about his father really.i have been with my dp since ds2 was 2 and he is hoping to adopt him.

i used to feel bad when i stopped my xp seeing ds and dd1(it happened a few times when he'd threatened me etc),i though they would be better off having a relationship with their father even if he was a b**d,but its not so bad now as it's their choice.

[MeImAllSmiles]

Divastrop, can I just ask how you stopped him seeing them? My ex has seen my dcs twice in the last year and both times 'incidents' occured that both the children and I had concerns about.

[divastrop]

i just told him that if he wanted to see them again he would have to go through a solicitor.and that if he turned up at my house i would phone the police.

he didnt bother this time,although he has in the past,but this time he wouldnt have had a leg to stand on as he assauted my dp in front of the children,so i would have been prepared to get a solicitor myself and keep refusing him access.

have you tried starting a thread in legal/money matters?

[bookwormmum]

My dd hasn't seen her father since she was 2 - she's now 7. She knows that she's got a father and that he doesn't see her (I do have pictures of them together and he was invited to all her early things like her christening, Christmas visits, birthdays etc). It's possibly early days but it doesn't seem to bother her too much at the moment. I'm guessing that when she starts having relationships herself that she might question what happened between her parents to cause them to became so estranged but I'll have to cross that bridge when I come to it. Children do tend to accept their circumstances as the "norm".

[juicychops]

my ds is 2.4 and hasn't seen his dad for nearly a year and a half. i haven't told him anything yet as i dont feel i need to yet and he doesn't ask any questions yet. Have no idea how i will approach it when he does though

[claire2510]

Hiya, my son is 4 and never seen his dad although became curious a couple of moths ago. Age appropriate truthfull answers i always thought was the way to go. However since all that his father has got in touch and wants to be a daddy, what the hell am i to do? Let him in, turn him away? I just dont know what to do for the best. Aii i know is my son wants to see his father and know who he is. Just scared he will be hurt or let down by him. Any advice from anyone?!!!!!!!!

[glitterfairy]

My dd has chosen not to see her father she is 12. She has seen him hurt me and her brother and he has hurt her and bleittled her in public and she has decided enough is enough. My ds goes sometimes but not always and my youngest dd ebbs and flows depending on Xs behaviour.

IN the end whatever we do or say the kids will vote with their feet at some stage if the X is a total waste of space and a thug.

[skyatnight]

My dd is 2.3 and her father has only seen her once. The nursery she goes to are aware that I am a single parent and asked me a few days ago whether she should make a Father's Day card or not. I find it humiliating for her and for me that they have to ask this but I understand why they do. I said yes as I suppose I don't want her to be different from the other children. I suppose I also live in hope that he may want to see her one day. He regularly says he wants to but nothing ever happens. I asked them today whether the card was ready so that I could send it to him in the post to arrive by Sunday. No - they haven't made the cards yet. I said never mind, he probably won't appreciate it anyway. The nursery lady said it's his loss. I started crying in the car after I left. I feel annoyed with myself because I know he wants me to feel bad and guilty about this situation even though he is the one that is in the wrong. Last year, I sent the card she made with some up-to-date photos of her. I was trying to do the right thing but there was no response from him. Then ten days later he emailed me, no direct acknowledgement of the card but telling me not to contact him by post as it upset his girlfriend. I didn't care that he had a girlfriend. I don't care about him in that way any more. It really shocked me though that he would use a (possibly fictitious) girlfriend as an excuse not to have contact with his daughter. Any decent woman would support her partner in having contact with his child, surely? I try to do the right thing and he treats me like I'm some kind of stalker? And this was after he had asked me for regular updates on her development. He is fine about money - I receive it by standing order every month - but in every other respect he is a complete tosser. He tells me the situation is far from ideal so there is no point in him trying to be a parent. Then he will ask for updates on her again. I think his strategy is to keep blowing hot and cold all the time until I feel like I'm going mad, become completely demoralised and just give up trying to facilitate he and dd having contact and then he can blame me for it. This has effectively happened as I have had no contact with him since November. I don't think I can send him the Father's Day card as he obviously doesn't want to acknowledge he is her father and will just think I am provoking him. It won't hurt her this year but by next year she will be more aware. Sorry - I'm very long-winded but I just wanted to get this off my chest.