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Anyone else whos child doesn't see their Dad

(41 Posts)
Shelley1 Sun 29-Apr-07 20:33:34

I have a two and a half year old DD you doesn't see his Dad. He has started to ask questions about where his Daddy is and I am slightly miffed about how much to explain to him. Any advice you have would be good. xx

kiminutter Sun 29-Apr-07 20:51:19

Hi Shelley1, my DD is 9 and DS1 is 8. Their dad 'disappeared' when I was 6mths pg with DS1 and I have only recently tracked him down. I have always made a point not to say anything negative about their dad when they are around, and as it turns out they have made their own minds up that he is a loser!
Whenever they have asked about him (which is rare) I tell them he lives a very long way away and that seemed to do the job, until recently. It is a tricky situation!

Shelley1 Sun 29-Apr-07 21:04:53

His Dad has seen him twice when he was five months old but nothing since then. I have told him that he has gone away and we don't see him anymore. Its so hard to know weather to try and get in touch with him so that my son can grow up knowing both parents or weather (as I believe at the moment) that he is better off without him and I give him everything he needs. I never in the world thought the decisions I would have to make would be so hard!!!!!

kiminutter Sun 29-Apr-07 22:06:01

Does his dad have any family who might want to keep in touch? I found my husband's brother's wife here on MN and met her and the kids before confronting my husband! He still isn't interested in the kids but my SIL is going to keep in touch. The kids are happier now they know 'the other side' of the family.

mogs0 Sun 29-Apr-07 22:29:45

My ds had never met his dad. He sometimes mentions him.

The father of 3 of his friends died last year and I explained to my ds about how he'd been ill and had died etc. He now thinks that his Dad is dead too although I do tell him this isn't the case.

He recently told my Mum that his dad is dead and now my mum thinks he has deep psychological issues over his absent father!!!!

I just tell my ds that he does have a dad but he lives somewhere else and we don't see him at the moment. He's fine with that (as far as I can tell). He's 4 btw.

beckybrastraps Sun 29-Apr-07 22:46:50

I'm not a lone parent, but my mum was one for a while. I have never met my biological father. I believe he saw me once as a baby, but I of course have no memory of that. When I was 4, my mum married the man who is now my dad. My dad adopted me a year later, and my brother and sister followed.

I'm actually rather grateful that there was no biological father around to complicate matters. No 'half' siblings, no 'stepdads'. We were one family, and I have never missed someone I have never known.

I get angry when I hear about fathers abandoning their children, while at the same time I am profoundly grateful that my own biological father did just that. Odd.

Shelley1 Mon 30-Apr-07 20:46:03

beckybrastraps, thanks for your message, that really helped, as I worry it will mess my ds up in the future. Just need to meet and marry the nice man now and all will be cool!!

beckybrastraps Tue 01-May-07 14:25:08

Good luck

climbingwalls Tue 01-May-07 16:54:50

Hi, my DS doesn't see his dad ever and when he did ask a few times when he was about 2.5 too I said that all families are different, some have mums, some have dads, some have a mum and dad, some have aunties, uncles, cousins etc etc and also readlots of books with different families in them and talked about how all families are different.

Now he never asks and just accepts that he hasn't got one but has lots of other family! When he's older he can know more.Hope this helps.

honeypot01 Wed 09-May-07 13:54:05

hi

my son is 5 i am a single mum and he doesnt see his dad, we dont know where he is he knows hes far far away and at mo seems happy with that thou im sure will ask things at a later date.

lou33 Wed 09-May-07 13:54:55

mine havent seen theirs since august

Kimmya Sun 20-May-07 21:00:16

My DD is 7 and has never seen her father. He pays maintenance through CSA but we have no contact whatsoever. When DD was little I just told her that she didn't have a Daddy and that all families were different. Pointing out situations from books or TV when children had no parents or just one or the other. I always made sure she knew how much she was loved by the rest of her family. When she turned six though and starting asking those awkward questions I showed her a photo of her father and told her his name. We have since had lots of chats about it and I try to answer as honestly as poss (within her limits of understanding). Their two worlds will clash one day but hopefully not for a long long time.

sibble Sun 20-May-07 21:17:57

This is a tricky one because everybody is so different. I am now 41 and never known my 'Dad'. I too had a great step dad and half brothers and sisters. Whenever I asked about him, I was shouted down. I first knew his name when I got married 6 years ago for the certificate. After that I plucked up courage and asked more about him to be told 'I heard he's dead!!'. Although I have never wanted to meet him, he didn't bother with me as far as I know, so why should I bother with him...but I would have liked to be a fly on the wall and watch him, see if I looked like him, had any of his characteristic, what sort of person he was etc... I don't have that opportunity now. I guess that what I'm saying is while protecting yourself and DD from disappointment, hurt whatever meeitng/talking about the father may cause...leave the door open and answer age appropriate questions. Let her feel she can ask questions.
Not sure if this helps and as I say everybody is different...

lou33 Sun 20-May-07 21:24:00

exh reckons he is back in the uk in july, i got an email from him

apparently he was due back today but he had an accident in april and ended up in hospital

he told me yesterday

you would have thought for the kids sake he could have got someone to contact me, seeing as he hasnt been in touch since feb until now

matilda57 Mon 21-May-07 09:46:08

It is a tricky one, but I think honesty is the best policy tbh. Even though it hurts, at least it's clear iyswim. Kids know that it takes a man and a woman to have a baby, so telling them they don't have a dad doesn't ring true for them - it just leaves them feeling confused: they know they're being lied to - or the issue is being fudged - and they assume it's bcs of something awful about them (no wonder your ds prefers to believe his dad is dead mogso - it's the neater answer (and he probably thinks he dad would have to be dead to not want to see him). imo it is better to tell them that their 'dad' has chosen to not take on the role of a dad. Heaps of long term encouragement and love at this point! Make sure they know it has nothing to do with them personally (though they won't be able to help taking it personally on some level). If having the 'dad' on the scene causes endless trouble and heartache, I think it's better they are out of the kids' lives. At least they can contact him when they're older? ie when they're old enough to understand the issues.

elleinad Wed 23-May-07 11:52:08

I haven't seen my xp since i was 6mnths pregnant, don't know what i'll do in future, you just have to take each day as it comes.

FloatingOnTheMed Fri 25-May-07 12:57:46

I agree with matilda that honesty is the best policy. My dd's dad lives on the other side of the world and has done since before I knew I was pregnant, but I am very lucky in that he stays in regular contact, sends presents etc and feels the same as me about how important laying that foundation is.

I think being matter of fact, not emotional, probably helps too. If you are heart broken and upset about it, your ds is likely to pick up on that and see it as a bad or a sad thing; if you are matter of fact "this is the way it is" then he can feel the way he genuinely feels about it, iykwim. And as others have said, don't avoid his questions, answer them as honestly and as straightforwardly as you can.

It must be so tough to be in your position though, I find it hard enough as it is and I think I have it as easy as it can be as a single mum. Huge sympathies. xx

Choup1971 Tue 29-May-07 23:04:24

Hi guys...I am new to the site, and saw this thread.
My son is almost four, and has never seen his dad. For various reasons, his father has never wanted to be involved, in any way. He doesn't pay maintenance (I haven't asked him to), and hasn't even asked to see a photo. He hasn't completely shut the door on his relationship with DS, though: we have an agreement whereby if something major happens to either of one us and if that could affect DS, then we talk. But I have to say that I find it really hard to have to do it all completely by myself.

DS sometimes mentions his dad. He knows his name, where he lives....I've told him that not all daddies live with their children, and it seems to work for now. But can someone recommend some good books with different kinds of families?

divastrop Tue 29-May-07 23:33:07

my ds and dd1 (age 9 and 8)dont seetheir father.they were seeing him regularly till last year but there was an incident and they both decided he was a tosser and they dont want to see him again.

my ds2 is nearly 4.i split with his father when he was 4 months old and xh never bothered to get in touch or anything.ds2 hasnt asked about his father really.i have been with my dp since ds2 was 2 and he is hoping to adopt him.

i used to feel bad when i stopped my xp seeing ds and dd1(it happened a few times when he'd threatened me etc),i though they would be better off having a relationship with their father even if he was a b**d,but its not so bad now as it's their choice.

MeImAllSmiles Wed 30-May-07 13:23:34

Divastrop, can I just ask how you stopped him seeing them? My ex has seen my dcs twice in the last year and both times 'incidents' occured that both the children and I had concerns about.

divastrop Wed 30-May-07 13:34:49

i just told him that if he wanted to see them again he would have to go through a solicitor.and that if he turned up at my house i would phone the police.

he didnt bother this time,although he has in the past,but this time he wouldnt have had a leg to stand on as he assauted my dp in front of the children,so i would have been prepared to get a solicitor myself and keep refusing him access.

have you tried starting a thread in legal/money matters?

bookwormmum Wed 30-May-07 14:00:57

My dd hasn't seen her father since she was 2 - she's now 7. She knows that she's got a father and that he doesn't see her (I do have pictures of them together and he was invited to all her early things like her christening, Christmas visits, birthdays etc). It's possibly early days but it doesn't seem to bother her too much at the moment. I'm guessing that when she starts having relationships herself that she might question what happened between her parents to cause them to became so estranged but I'll have to cross that bridge when I come to it. Children do tend to accept their circumstances as the "norm".

juicychops Wed 30-May-07 14:07:50

my ds is 2.4 and hasn't seen his dad for nearly a year and a half. i haven't told him anything yet as i dont feel i need to yet and he doesn't ask any questions yet. Have no idea how i will approach it when he does though

claire2510 Thu 14-Jun-07 21:23:38

Hiya, my son is 4 and never seen his dad although became curious a couple of moths ago. Age appropriate truthfull answers i always thought was the way to go. However since all that his father has got in touch and wants to be a daddy, what the hell am i to do? Let him in, turn him away? I just dont know what to do for the best. Aii i know is my son wants to see his father and know who he is. Just scared he will be hurt or let down by him. Any advice from anyone?!!!!!!!!

glitterfairy Fri 15-Jun-07 11:20:55

My dd has chosen not to see her father she is 12. She has seen him hurt me and her brother and he has hurt her and bleittled her in public and she has decided enough is enough. My ds goes sometimes but not always and my youngest dd ebbs and flows depending on Xs behaviour.

IN the end whatever we do or say the kids will vote with their feet at some stage if the X is a total waste of space and a thug.

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