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Father not willing to commit to a birth plan,but wants all options available to him

(243 Posts)
Mummblebee Wed 31-Jan-18 02:59:34

Hi mum's.

I will try to keep a long story short.

I'm pregnant, due in march 2018.

It was an unplanned pregnancy and I am not with the father anymore. He wanted an abortion, I refused. Over the last few months he has said in no uncertain terms that he hates me for going ahead with this and will not be supportive towards this pregnancy. He has stayed true to that and I've not seen him and barely heard a peep. We've had a handful of conversations throughout pregnancy.. some amicable, others not so much..

So that's the background story.

The father has now said that he wants the option of being at the birth, however he will not tell me if he will or not... He says he wants to see how he feels but wants the option available to him. He was quite adamant that it was his right as the father to have this option available to him.

I have asked him to meet up but he will not even see me and I have recently found out he is back with his ex girlfriend ( which I'm ok with, she can have him! )

My question is .. does any reasonable person think they should be entitled to be at the birth when they have not been supportive for the entire pregnancy.

He won't commit either way to being there or not being there so it's a frustrating situation to be in as I do not know what to do when things start rolling with the labour. Do I text him when waters break and leave the ball in his court?

If I drop him a text after baby arrives then he will also lay into me for taking the option away from him to be at the birth. So all in all I can't win and it will be a drama and all about him on the day.

What would you all advice?

Thanks mum's xx

Itsthattimeagain Wed 31-Jan-18 03:03:36

My god what a prick!!

All I'll say is that even if you were still together, it's still your choice who is in that room with you, nobody else has any given right to dictate that.

Regain some control now, before baby arrives, or he will control you like this at every given opportunity.

brokeninmoreways Wed 31-Jan-18 03:04:55

You don’t need to allow him at the birth at all. Talk to your midwife and then advise him that he won’t be admitted to the birthing suite should he turn up at hospital. Don’t tell him you’re going into labour.

See a solicitor to understand your legal options regarding his role in the baby’s life in case he decides to show More of an interest later

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry Wed 31-Jan-18 03:09:25

Personally, I would text him afterwards. Giving birth is hard enough without having a negative presence in the room; you need to feel completely safe and secure (look up oxytocin in labour). Having someone who has treated you so badly in the room could potentially impact on your labour so that’s a big fat NO from me. What does he think he’ll gain by being present exactly? He doesn’t support the pregnancy and he hates you? I don’t see why he has the right to be there frankly.

blueskypie Wed 31-Jan-18 03:27:34

No way, it's entirely your choice!

Ereshkigal Wed 31-Jan-18 03:28:13

I think it's deliberate controlling behaviour.

Ereshkigal Wed 31-Jan-18 03:28:51

Agree with other advice not to let him know when you go into labour.

Crumbs1 Wed 31-Jan-18 03:32:44

I wonder whether allowing the babies father to be at the birth might improve the chances of him being involved and supporting you in raising the child? You would have to be comfortable with that but it might help. Not sure his current girlfriend would be very pleased though.

Gunpowder Wed 31-Jan-18 03:33:40

There is no way I would tell him I’d gone into labour. I’d take my mum or a good friend as a birthing partner. You absolutely need someone you can rely on to support you! Especially for a first baby. It’s not about him and whether he decides he wants a red letter experience on the day. angry

You can always lie in your text after the birth and say once you were in established labour it happened quickly so there was no time to call.

Ladyglittersparkles83 Wed 31-Jan-18 03:37:14

Personally hell No! If he's been unsuportive and very forward in his feelings i wouldn't entertain him at all. It feels like he wants to call all the shots and that's not right, have someone with you that's supportive mum/friend because that's what you need at birth and you'll be thankful of it. Ultimately it your choice and I feel for you, id cut ties with the bastard you owe him nothing don't let him push you into anything if he's not supportive now he won't be when baby is here xx

Longdistance Wed 31-Jan-18 03:38:53

Don’t tell him when you’re in labour. He has no right to be at the birth. I certainly wouldn’t want him starring at my fanny waiting for baby to pop out.
Sounds like you had a lucky escape op.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Wed 31-Jan-18 03:52:27

He can't decide whether he wants to be there at the birth or not?
Make it easy for him.
Tell him he's not welcome.

Then send him a message once the baby is here

Bettyswitch Wed 31-Jan-18 03:52:48

Op dont let this man ruin your birth experience, if he cant commit to being there then please dont include him in it.
You need people birth partners who want to be there, if he hasnt made his mind up by now then its safe to say he doesn't want to be there. inform him after the birth, tell him you had really quick labour (under a hour) and didnt have time to call him.

Mummblebee Wed 31-Jan-18 03:54:35

@Itsthattimeagain haha. Thank you that reaction made me laugh. Good old mumsnet!

@brokeninmoreways thank you. I will definitely mention this to my midwife and start finding out our legal positions.

@CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry I think you're right - I should text him after. I just know it's going to be stressful justifying this decision to him. He only sees himself

pastabest Wed 31-Jan-18 03:55:58

Giving birth even if everything goes smoothly is pretty undignified.

Would you be happy to have him there if you decide you want to take off all your clothes (very common) or while you squat/bend over a bed with at a minimum your lower half exposed? Would you be comfortable with him seeing everything down there, especially if you need stitches or if he decides he wants to cut the cord?

In the moments after you've given birth do you want him dictating whether you get to hold your baby or not or whether it's his 'turn'? What if you want to feed?

Is he the person you want in there supporting you and advocating for you, do you trust him to get you something to drink if you need it or asking the midwives if you can start having pain relief etc? Is it him you want making the decisions on yours and the babies behalf if things start going wrong?

He has no rights in this situation and it's not his decision to make at all. It's 100% your decision, the fact that he thinks he has any say in it whatsoever speaks volumes in my opinion.

HerSymphonyAndSong Wed 31-Jan-18 03:56:26

For the love of god don’t let this man anywhere near you during childbirth. Everyone who is present needs to be there for you. He can find out afterwards. You sound like you have the measure of him re drama and it being all about him anyway

StarWarsFanatic Wed 31-Jan-18 03:57:59

Sounds like you are well shot of him. No, he doesn't have a "right" to be there. Just explain that if you were having surgery, a tooth extraction, a smear test, etc. he wouldn't have a "right" to be there either. He isn't a father, fathers take an interest in their child, he is just the other DNA provider.

If I were you I would insist on a formal custody arrangement if he does decide on seeing the child, after it is born, and ensure he doesn't deviate from it, it isn't fair on the child.

HerSymphonyAndSong Wed 31-Jan-18 03:59:04

Btw it doesn’t matter whether you try to get your decision through to him or not. You just don’t have to tell him when you are in labour (and be v careful who else you tell in case it gets back to him). You have that control

CheapSausagesAndSpam Wed 31-Jan-18 04:00:35

He has no "rights" to be at the birth at all. None

Only you say who is present.

Ignore the knobhead but tell hospital if he turns up, you don't want him in there.

Thermowoman Wed 31-Jan-18 04:00:40

Please don't even consider this. You need someone supportive with you, not this massive bell end! In fact I recommend not putting him on the birth cert and emigrating as far away from him as possible.

BoomBoomsCousin Wed 31-Jan-18 04:09:44

The only people who have a "right" to be at the birth are the baby, the mum, and anyone the mum wants to be there. Everyone else has no rights at all. And having him at the birth is likely to make the birth harder and slightly less safe for you and the baby. So I would only tell him after the baby is born and I was feeling strong/had support in place.

He's being abusive. Tell him if he wants contact with you or the baby he'll need to be civil, every time, all the time. And if he isn't then stop communicating with him directly.

There's no point pretending he's going to magically become supportive once the baby is born if you give in to controlling and abusive behaviour now. That's not how people work.

ADuckNamedSplash Wed 31-Jan-18 04:11:16

I think you're right - I should text him after. I just know it's going to be stressful justifying this decision to him. He only sees himself

I say this gently - you need to grow a thicker skin where he's concerned. You don't need to justify yourself to him - his opinion is irrelevant, it doesn't matter if he doesn't like it. Ignore his complaining. I know it's easier said than done though flowers

Mummblebee Wed 31-Jan-18 04:17:18

**I wonder whether allowing the babies father to be at the birth might improve the chances of him being involved and supporting you in raising the child? You would have to be comfortable with that but it might help. Not sure his current girlfriend would be very pleased though.

-- this is the only reason I would have considered having him there. But I think I'm swaying towards just telling him afterwards.

He feels justified in making me feel worthless in short. I want to give my daughter the opportunity to have a relationship with her dad but it will forever be at the expense of my own well being.

Mummblebee Wed 31-Jan-18 04:24:12

Thank you mums. Sorry I can't respond to you all but I am reading all of your messages and the advice and support is really helpful and I appreciate it smile


Fionne Wed 31-Jan-18 04:26:08

OP, you really do need to take control of things and say you will not be at the birth - end of.

And why would you wish him on your daughter in the future? He's already shown you who he is.

Get on with life, with your beautiful wee girl, and don't look back.

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