Advanced search

My fiancé has admitted to me he's jealous of our newborn and my son from another relationship how can I help him feel better?

(32 Posts)
mammymoi Mon 29-Jan-18 07:07:54

My partner said he feels alone and it's like he's lost his best mate. Our son is 5 weeks old and he's a great father all round. However lately he's been quite sheltered and not himself. He's been drinking a lot more than usual about 7-12 cans most days and only feeds our son when I ask for help which to be honest I never ask him for help because he's always had a drink and don't trust him in case he has an accident.
I want to help my partner feel loved and not pushed aside but I don't know where to start. I'm always giving him a hug and the odd shoulder massage here and there and a kiss. Do I need to tell him I love him more or something why is he so sensitive all of a sudden I'm the one with baby blues o_O how can I help him?

OP’s posts: |
LunarGirl Mon 29-Jan-18 07:16:24

Sorry but he sounds like a dick. You've had a baby 5 weeks ago, he'll just have to get over feeling "lonely".

rollingonariver Mon 29-Jan-18 07:18:35

I'd be telling him that maybe if he helped more you'd have more time for him? He sounds horrid tbh op. You've just had a baby fgs!

Xmaspuddingdisaster Mon 29-Jan-18 07:19:02

He’s going to lose out on another great relationship - that with his child. As a start, he needs to cut the drinking on the head. Please don’t do less for your dcs in order to appease him.

SingingSeuss Mon 29-Jan-18 07:19:26

You. An help him by telling him some home truths. He needs to get over himself and grow up. Having to worry about this from a man child is the last thing you need.

WatchingFromTheWings Mon 29-Jan-18 07:20:00

He needs to grow up!

HellToupee Mon 29-Jan-18 07:20:12

You could help him by telling him to grow the fuck up? Just a suggestion of course.

Congratulations on your new baby flowers

treaclesoda Mon 29-Jan-18 07:22:21

He doesn't sound like a great dad. He sounds like someone who is emotionally manipulative and has convinced you that his shortcomings are your problem to solve.

WTFIsThisVirus Mon 29-Jan-18 07:22:34

So, he's feeling down because you can't focus all your attention on him, despite the fact that you have a newborn now?

I wouldn't try to make him feel better. I would perhaps remind him that you have a little human that you're solely responsible for. And that, here's a thought, he should stop bloody drinking and get involved!

AuntieStella Mon 29-Jan-18 07:25:55

You can't stop someone feeling jealous, because it's their feeling.

But you can stop them taking it out on other people.

Tell him that having a newborn is pretty tough all round, and that everyone needs to pitch in more. You want him to be properly 'in' the family so he knows without being told that certain stuff has to be done, and there's no reason he can't just get on with it. And that when you have both got into the swing of baby care, you'll both have more time to be nice to each other as adults. And that it will taker longer to get to that point if he keeps opting out of family life by drinking.

user1493413286 Mon 29-Jan-18 07:26:27

I’d get him more involved with the baby; before he’s had a drink when he comes in hand him the baby and say you’ve got him for the next 2 hours for example.
It sounds like he needs to bond with the baby more and adjust to the new dynamics of your relationship.

FissionChips Mon 29-Jan-18 07:26:32

Jealous of a new born and your other son? Bin him.

Fairylea Mon 29-Jan-18 07:28:07

5 week old baby and he’s drinking 7-12 cans a night and moaning that he’s feeling pushed out?! What an arse! angry

WellThisIsShit Mon 29-Jan-18 07:34:37

Tell him that if he stopped the drinking he’d feel less lonely because he’d be safe to be around you and the baby?

Tell him that if he did mucked in and did half the work instead of being maudlin and self obsessed drinking in a corner watching his fiancée do all the work?

Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman Mon 29-Jan-18 07:41:32

Best thing to do is send him back to his dm. He sounds like a spoilt teenager. Now you have 3 dc op.

thecatfromjapan Mon 29-Jan-18 07:43:42

You have a new-born baby and a partner who needs walking through the complexities of adulthood and intersubjective relationships.

That's quite a lot to deal with. In fact, it may be more than you have the energy and resources for at the moment.

Obviously, it's very sad that your partner is finding this a challenge. At some point, he has missed some of the vital building blocks that help people grow into fully developed adults, who are unafraid of responsibility, feel capable of dealing with the demands of life, and are fully committed to the demands of deep, inter-subjective relationships with others. Who knows where he missed those stages? Who knows how much work would be required to help him repair/build those stages?

You can try having a tough talk with him, explaining that he signed up for this, it's his responsibility too, he needs to do this and stop waiting for you to lead him through it, you don't - any of you - have time for him to stop being scared/acting like a non-adult. You can try gently leading him through it, assure him that he is loved, assure him that he is capable, teach him the things he needs to do.

One of those, or a mixture, might work. You might have the time and energy to do it. Or they might not work. You might not have the time and energy for this.

I think you should set yourself a time limit (and a short one at that) and also a boundary as to what needs to change - and by when (the drinking, for a start, is extremely problematic). Then you can try a couple of approaches. If something works - great. But the time limit and boundaries are incredibly important. If you don't set those, you will end up in a ridiculous situation where your relationship basically becomes one of you looking after three children - one of whom is in the difficult (for you) position of actually being an adult, with power and responsibility - who is taking the role of a child.

That is enormously draining and destructive. You weren't put on earth to pour your energy into helping an adult transition into full adulthood. There are professionals, who get paid good money, who help with that kind of thing. You, on the other hand, signed up for a different kind of relationship with this man: one in which you were going to both take responsibility for the care of each other; for the young, dependent members of your family (the genuine non-adults); and where you had sex with them. Can you really see yourself wanting to have a sexual relationship with someone who is - effectively - asking you to take on the role of his parent/therapist? And can you genuinely share equal responsibility for your (vulnerable) offspring with someone who is asking you to treat him like a non-adult/one of your children?

So, set yourself a time-limit - a short one - because otherwise this will suck the life, energy and joy out of you.

Tiddlywinks63 Mon 29-Jan-18 07:48:52

Jealous of a newborn baby and a child? Drinking 7-12 cans a day?
He sounds immature, pathetic and a dead loss to me. How old is he?

WhatInTheWorldIsGoingOn Mon 29-Jan-18 07:54:46

He’s a grown adult. Not a child. Or you know, an actual 5 week old baby. You shouldn’t have to pander to him 5 weeks after giving birth.

mintich Mon 29-Jan-18 08:47:27

Men can get post natal depression too. My friends partner had it. He should probably see the gp, esp now the drinking has upped.
However if you feel it's not depression and he's childish then that needs to stop

thecatfromjapan Mon 29-Jan-18 08:53:49

That's a good point, mintich.

TossDaily Mon 29-Jan-18 09:00:15

You have a five week old baby and you are giving him shoulder massages??

He should be on his knees in gratitude, bringing you whatever food and drink you fancy, cooking the meals, doing the housework and generally being in awe of the fact that you've just brought his new child into the world! And then giving you shoulder rubs!

But he's drinking so heavily that he can't help look after his baby and saying he's jealous of his children?

Boot up the arse. Pronto. Get rid. You've just had your second baby. You don't need a third.

What a wanker.

mammymoi Mon 29-Jan-18 09:01:36

He's nearly 30 and has two children of his own too, from a previous relationship so there's 4 children all together now. I'm not sure if he's got depression or just being selfish. I'm trying so hard not to get down myself, but it's so hard and with a demanding new born and an autistic son it's hard to feel on top of the world myself some days and now he's telling me I have no time for him and he feels lonely, jealous of all the time I spend with the children and how little time we spend together as a couple...god knows what's going on in his head

OP’s posts: |
TossDaily Mon 29-Jan-18 09:02:21

Male post-natal depression, huh?

Funny, every woman I've known with PND have dragged themselves out of the depths of misery enough to feed and attend to their baby.

They don't tend to sit on their arse necking twelve cans of lager and whinging about being jealous of their baby.


PositivelyPERF Mon 29-Jan-18 09:06:28

FUCK! I can see why his first relationship failed. What a self pitying wanker. If he didn’t want a baby he should have put a condom on. You didn’t self fertilise, OP, but it looks like you have three babies to look after.

mammymoi Mon 29-Jan-18 09:09:15

Not forgetting looking after his two whilst he's at work some weekends

OP’s posts: |

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in