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Ex new girlfriend - should I meet?

(12 Posts)
spaceyface89 Fri 26-Jan-18 22:19:35

A bit of background. I found out I was pregnant, and my ex decided he wasn't to be involved. I raised DS alone for the first 18 months of his life.

I coped with this, and DS and I have mostly been happy and content on our own.

Ex decided 6 months ago, when DS was 18 months he wanted to be involved, and he's had a gradual increase over that time from a few hours a week, to a day a week, and his parents having him one day whilst I'm at work. He can't have overnight as he's in a shared house, and I feel it's too early in any case.

Ex has a new partner, and when he told me, I asked if he could talk to me before DS met her about circumstances. He's not done this, and proceeded with introductions without my knowledge.

I want the best for my son, including a good relationship with his father, but having raised him alone for nearly two years, I know what parenting styles I want him to experience. There's been a few times ex has been picking him up from my house, where's he's taunted DS, for instance when DS throws his food on the floor, I tend to take it away, whereas EXP has stood in front on him eating the food saying things like 'isn't this nice' and winding him up. It's not the kind of parenting I would have hoped for my son.

My problem is, now I know his new GF is involved, I'd like to meet her just to speak to her about how I raise my child and explain I hope she will reinforce it. I find it hard to broach with my ex and he simply says, he's my son too, I'll do what I want.

AIBU? Is this normal to want to meet her? How can I do this? In some ways, id rather do it without ex there, but I suspect he'd never agree to that.

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Charismam Fri 26-Jan-18 22:23:34

I wouldn't bother. She is either a good person with empathy or she's not.

I think if it's the latter, then she'll be a good person to a young child.

If she's an immature shallow person then 'talking' to her about what you want will probably annoy her.

It also puts responsibility on her to police how his father parents around your child. And it is not her responsibility.

My x has a new lt gf and I've never shown or felt more to the point any interest in her. My kids wouldn't be growing attached to her either or caring what she thought about anything.

Charismam Fri 26-Jan-18 22:25:39

Taunting a toddler is awful thoguh. sad

You don't ahve to let this man who walked away for 18 months back in straight away all on his own terms.

NorthernSpirit Fri 26-Jan-18 22:38:17

No, you don’t need to meet her. It’s not healthy for you and you need to trust the dad.

You sound like you want to meet her to tell her how ‘your’ son should be raised. Throughout the post you sound quote controlling. You refer throughout with ‘my son’. You mean ‘our son’. He’s as much as the dads as yours. ‘I know what parenting style I want’ - the dad can parent the child as he sees fit on his time. You want to tell the girlfriend how you raise ‘your’ child And you hope she’ll do the same. You don’t get to dictate.

I’m a SM. She’s a complete control freak and i’ve no interest in meeting her do she can lay down her rules. I respect she is the children’s mother. I don’t disipine the children (that’s for their dad to do). But I do look after the kids when they are with us. Care for them and do my best.

spaceyface89 Fri 26-Jan-18 23:07:54

Northern spirit, I get what you're saying, and under different circumstances I'd agree. But his dad had been all but absentee for the first 18 months, and I've parented him alone with the implication being that I've had full responsibility and taking decisions alone. In that sense, I do think it's fair that she doesn't come in to his life two years down the line and parent him in a way I wouldn't necessarily agree with.

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spaceyface89 Fri 26-Jan-18 23:09:04

If DS dad had been involved and committed parent from day for, of course it'd be his decision, but that's not our reality.

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Tipsntoes Fri 26-Jan-18 23:20:20

I don;t think you can tell either the father or GF how to parent. Imagine if they tried to do the same to you?

I also don't think the behaviour you describe (in isolation) is that bad. Child throws food on the floor, father demonstrates that it was good food. What's so awful about that? Different isn't always wrong.

spaceyface89 Fri 26-Jan-18 23:22:40

I get what you're saying, but that's done in conjunction with a number of other things, for instance, DS dancing and ex reprimanding him for no reason, other than it's annoying to him.

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NorthernSpirit Fri 26-Jan-18 23:23:25

If the father has PR. You don’t get to control or dictate how the fathe mr parents. Look at this from the other side. How would you feel if the father told you how to parent, told you how to raise ‘his’ child, demanded that he met your partner. You wouldn’t like it. You have to let go and trust him.

spaceyface89 Fri 26-Jan-18 23:25:38

Yes, I get that, but he decided nearly two years down the line to be involved, all the while I've been parenting DS alone. I think it's a bit self entitled to ignore your son for so long and then expect you can wade in with equal rights and expectations..

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Creasey31 Fri 26-Jan-18 23:30:30

I think the loss of control will be driving you mental, he will never know what you went through for those 2 years and then some women comes along and no one listens to you. I would leave it for a little while and see how it goes before barging in even though you have every right too. She might be a good influence on your immature ex x

spaceyface89 Fri 26-Jan-18 23:32:30

Thanks creasy x

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