Guilt about not giving DD a sibling

[mangababeuk]

Hi all,

Is anyone here able to help me get through the guilt I feel about my daughter being an only child?

I made the decision to separate from my partner two weeks ago, so it's still very raw. However it was the right thing to do as he was driving me to distraction and that wasn't the best thing for DD.

I know the logical arguements about her being an only - I might meet someone else, I can do it myself if I decide to do it that way, being an only isn't the worst thing as I can focus more on her in both emotional and financial ways, but I've always wanted two kids.

I'm 37 now, so chances of getting pregnant again were already lowering by the day, and this decision has pushed it even further away as a possibility.

I just want to cry when I look at her though, as she's now likely to not have siblings, and that's really sad to me.

Has anyone else gone through this guilt and come out the other side?

I would talk to my mum about this, but she's ultra-logical and never really liked my partner, so she doesn't see it in the same way.

All of my friends have either had kids years ago, or were having kids at the same time as me and now planning on a second (little ones are two years old at the moment). I'm really happy when they say they're expecting (one of whom told me on the same day I told her about the break up), but I can't help being sad that is not me, and now unlikely to be me again.

So in part it's sadness that I probably won't ever be pregnant again, but I really loved having a sibling and I'm really upset that DD may not have that. I know I could post this on the 'only child' board, but for me it's the fact I'm a lone parent that makes this extra hard - I don't have the support of a partner.

cheers,
Mangababeuk

[mummypig14]

I'm in a similar situation - but have been a lone parent much longer so the feelings aren't so fresh! The recent split is probably dragging up feelings of what could have been. But you did the right thing not staying just for another baby.

I think its one of those situations you can't control so there is no point dwelling on it. Yes having a sibling CAN be nice, but it can also be awful....

My DS is an only and his Dad and I are no longer together. I couldnt financially manage another and couldn't exactly do it whilst single anyway though age is on my side (I had DS v.young) I didn't plan on anymore and made peace with that!

Strangely after deciding 1 was actually perfect for me, I met DP who has a son the same age as my DS, so he now has a step-sibling and they (currently) get on very well and love having each other! Although I do feel the pangs of wanting another pregnancy and newborn, new DP can't have anymore so decision made!!

[mangababeuk]

Thank you mummypig14. It's good to know that someone out there understands, had felt the same way, has gotten through it and there's a light at the end. 😁

Thankyou for reading my self-indulgent words.

[bibliomania]

I'm a bit sad about it, but on the other hand, dd really wants older siblings rather than younger ones, so that's rather out of my hands!

[Intrepidwanderer2018]

Hi, I am in your exact situation too, one DD age 3 and broken marriage. I grew up with a lot of family around especially at Christmas's/holidays/sunday lunches etc. Sadly many have passed away (a couple way too young) and the rest have families of their own. I dread the thought of lonely Christmas's and holidays. My daughter LOVES other children and keeps asking who her sister is or why aren't there more children in the house - it breaks my heart. My husband basically dangled the carrot in front of me for a few years saying we will have another one, and now at 37 (38 next month) all hope has been taken away from me. It sucks. On the one hand I think that me and my daughter can so many things like holidays and activities etc, but deep down I am craving a family - even without my husband, and am seriously thinking about sperm donor!

[mangababeuk]

Hi intrepid,
I'm so glad that someone else is considering a donor! I'm just not sure how I could afford it all but I really want to have two children as I think (completely my opinion) that they learn to share when the are siblings, and they always have someone to turn to. How are you thinking of assisting not only the donor but also the childcare afterwards?

[Intrepidwanderer2018]

Hi Mangabeuk, Yes there are lots of options open to women nowadays. I am not entirely sure how it would all work out, obviously there are loads of factors to consider. I don't think I could afford a clinic so would probably attempt to find a co-parent. Although time is running our I am hoping that I will meet somebody else (I wouldn't jump into something just to have a baby though) and if not at 40 might just go ahead with a sperm donor and AI at home!