Since the moment my daughter was born I wanted to hide away in my room and keep her all to myself. I didn’t want any visitors crowding around us, nor did I want to take her out for strangers to poke at. For weeks I couldn’t even be in a different room to her. It has got slightly better to where I can leave her with my mum while I have a quick shower for a few minutes but that is the longest I have left her and I spend the whole time in a mad panic rushing to get back to her ASAP. I still feel severe anxiety whenever someone asks to hold her and spend the whole time on edge until she is back with me. I simply do not trust anyone with her and feel like no one can look after her as well as I can, which I know sounds irrational and makes me sound insane but I’m just being honest. I hate feeling like this as I know it will only get worse as she gets older, especially as I am not with her father and know that he will want to eventually have her on his own. I can’t bear the thought of this, especially as he lives with his mum who I can not stand as she is so pushy and over bearing and insisted on turning up at the hospital the day she was born after I had said no visitors as was recovering from a c section. I wouldn’t say I had post natal depression but I definitely had overwhelming feelings of anxiety and irrational fear of losing my child and cried for about two weeks straight after having her. I can’t possibly imagine ever leaving her which I know sounds crazy as I will have to eventually but every time I think about it I get so upset that it actually brings tears to my eyes. Does anyone else feel like this because it’s making me feel like a nut case! And if so do you have any advice on how to cope with it as it’s getting worse the older she is getting as I feel as though I’m losing her (yes I know it sounds ridiculous but I can’t help it). What has made me feel like this? I can’t understand why I’m suddenly so irrational since becoming a mum it’s bizarre and confusing and really taking its toll on my mental health. Sorry for the essay but I really just need some reassurance that I’m not alone!
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