Will my kids be ok

[Ilovecrumpets]

Sorry I know this is a ridiculous thing to ask and I really hope that no one will be offended by it as I really don’t mean that.

My husband left before Christmas following an affair. I have two DC 3 and 6. My eldest is really struggling with the separation - I am trying my best to support him and my ex sees him lots which I encourage and facilitate and I am always positive about my ex plus civil in front of the kids. I know it is silly but I just want to know that he will be OK in the end. I hate to see him so upset and his world turned upside down. I think I am also going to have to change their childcare as well which will be another person leaving them. My heart is just breaking for them. I made the mistake of googling and everything about children and divorce is all about the awful impact on them.

Logically I know there are lots of children of divorced parents who are more than OK, who are good and happy. And I know growing up in a horrible atmosphere between parents also has an awful effect as well ( that was my childhood). But I just feel so scared for them. I wish I could make everything ok.

[Whoknows11]

They are young enough to be ok as long as things are ok between you and their dad and they’re not in the middle! Just keep reassuring them and they should be just fine x

[Ilovecrumpets]

Thank you whoknows

[Starlight2345]

I would also add. while they may struggle through it imagine the role models you would be growing up in that situation

[Louw12345]

They should be fine as long as you both carry on doing what your doing. Make sure they know they can talk to you aswell.

[Ilovecrumpets]

Thanks everyone

[sirlee66]

I come from a broken home myself. Parents got divorced when I was 11 and I can say, with full confidence, that you are doing a brilliant job.

Tell your children that you love them so much and both you and your ex husband do. And how in time, you will all be happier (and I promise you, you will)

Time is a wonderful healer and it's ok for your children to mourn and grieve that old way of life. In the mean time, Lots of love and tlc for both your children is all you can do.

You are doing a fantastic job and things will get better for all of you.

Good luck x

[Ilovecrumpets]

Thank you sirlee, your post has genuinely made me feel better

[pipnchops]

Just to say you sound amazing and as a child who had this happen to them I'd say you being positive about their father and civil with each other when your children are around is so important. This did not happen in my case and it was horrible. But I still turned out fine!! Ish! What doesn't kill us makes us stronger and my experiences have shaped the person I am. You can't shield your children from pain and suffering but you can help them through it. You need to have someone to vent your frustration and anger to though, so think about counseling for yourself.

[Ilovecrumpets]

Thank you pipnchops that is really kind. I am having counselling - you are right I do need to vent sometimes or just talk things through.

I agree that you can’t shield your kids - I think it has taken this to make me truly realise that, which is a good thing! Also I too haven’t always had an easy life - but it is still my life and has made me who I am and I enjoy it ( most of the time )

[Chatty100]

I worry constantly about my kids too! I am two years in and my 11 year old is still struggling. I have got to the stage now where I tell him he doesn't have to be OK with it, doesn't have to get over it but he does have to get on with it! We talk loads and I get on very well with their Dad (whilst secretly hating him). I often wonder about getting him councilling. Have you though about that too?

[Battleax]

Yes they'll be fine.

Equally when things aren't "okay between" parents it can still be a good outcome for the children as long as they are shielded from conflict, loved and given age appropriate explanations. (I wouldn't want any advice on this thread to dissuade women from escaping abuse. DC are better away from that and everything else can be handled.)

[surlycurly]

It's very acrimonious between my ex and I and my kids are still doing really well. They were 9 and 6 when their dad left (I asked him to) and they were both crushed by it. I now have a well adjusted, funny, achieving pair of kids who love us both equally. It's not al been fun but they are thriving, not just surviving and yours will too. Keep up the good work x

[Ilovecrumpets]

Thanks so much for replying everyone - even just a few weeks on I feel a bit more hopeful. I’ve also discovered that I feel more free to be myself and forge my relationship with my D.C. just how I want. It has surprised me that we feel closer in many ways.

[reallifesucks]

I have a 7 year old and 4 year old; I have read books called :" it's not your fault koko bear " and "my two homes" to my now 7 year old and I think it helped her to talk about separation and understand it a bit more.

[Ilovecrumpets]

Thanks for the recommendations reallife I will take a look