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Fathers responsibility

(11 Posts)
jojo2001 Wed 10-Jan-18 16:11:31

I know this will be an emotive subject but I’m after some advice about the father of my baby. It’s a complex story but I will try and keep it brief. Myself and the father are both widowed and had a brief relationship that resulted in me ending up pregnant. I’m 43 and was told I would never have children so this is my miracle baby. I gave the father the opportunity to be involved or not and has decided he wants to be part of our daughters life. Here comes the tough bits! I’m not in a relationship with him now and have told him although I’m not happy for him to be involved in the birth I’m happy for him to be at the hospital and see her the moment she’s born however he is convinced he’s entitled to be in the delivery suite and gives me a lot of grief about it. BUT I won’t change my mind on this, it may be our baby but it is my body.

The other issue is the horrible subject of finances. The situation is that he earns a £40k salary and I work 22 hours a week on minimum wage. We have discussed what he can afford and has offered to pay less than half what the minimum is expected on the gov website. His pension contributions are more than his legal requirement and yet he can’t even meet that requirement. I didn’t want to have to involve a third body but I’m starting to feel that he has left me no choice. I want to remain amicable with him but it feels more and more like he wants the benefits of being a father without financial commitment or changes to his lifestyle.

I’m now 8 months pregnant and he has had little involvement in the pregnancy (he lives 300 miles away) he’s even been to my area to go ‘walking’ and didn’t check how we were and if we needed anything.

So I suppose my questions are
Is he likely to change his attitude when he finally meets her and realise he needs to help support her?
Am I being unreasonable not letting him in the delivery room?
And
Can I refuse him overnight access initially? I don’t think I could let her be away from me overnight when she’s so little.

OP’s posts: |
HirplesWithHaggis Wed 10-Jan-18 16:21:24

You're perfectly right to deny him access while you birth, as you say it's your body and if you'd rather not be exposed to him at such a vulnerable moment, so be it. But of a red flag that he's pushing the point, tbh.

He's not being reasonable about the child maintenance either, so do go to the CMS once the baby's born. I'd advise against putting his name on the birth certificate at this time, he can fight through the courts or you can change your mind later and add him if you choose.

It's not unreasonable to deny overnight access immediately, you can observe how his behaves with the baby and if he's well involved, allow more access after six months or so - whatever you feel comfortable with. It would be rare for a court to order overnight visits with a newborn. Again, if he's asking for this, it raises a red flag for me,

Will his attitude change? He may have a gooey moment, but no, in the long run I wouldn't expect to be playing happy families any time soon.

And congratulations on your miracle baby! grin

jojo2001 Wed 10-Jan-18 16:30:26

Thanks for the advice and congratulations. I did mention to him that I’d like to delay adding him to the birth certificate until he can show he’s committed and he completely lost the plot about it. He seems to believe that because he was there at conception then he is automatically entitled, which I suppose he is as he is her father but I’m petrified that he will begin using her as a weapon and until I’m sure he won’t then I don’t want to give him that chance. At the end of the day my main priority is my daughter even if my decisions do annoy him.

OP’s posts: |
AssassinatedBeauty Wed 10-Jan-18 16:36:32

He doesn't have a right to be added to the birth certificate. As you're not married he would need to attend the registering appointment with you in order to be included on the certificate. He can't register the birth on his own (unless you specifically authorize him to do this).

He absolutely doesn't have any right at all to be at the birth. You're the midwives' patient and it's like any other medical situation, you as the patient can do what makes you comfortable. I would let your midwife team know that he may try to get in to the ward/delivery suite and ask them to prevent him doing so.

As far as I'm aware, access would be little and often, not overnights. It would be something to build up to once he demonstrates he has a relationship with the baby and that it would benefit the baby.

trevthecat Wed 10-Jan-18 16:48:50

I wouldn't let him in delivery if you don't want him there and he should be paying the amount specified by cms. Imo he has a right to be on the birth certificate. It's both of your baby. Not just yours. If he doesn't continue contract it doesn't change that he is the dad

Phillipa12 Wed 10-Jan-18 17:00:53

Irrelevant of what he can afford for maintenance, he legally must pay the cms minimum. You also do not have to have him on the ward whilst you give birth and as for overnights, what everyone else has said, hows he going to feed baby if shes exclusively breast fed and a bottle refuser!

Carbohol78 Wed 10-Jan-18 17:14:13

Just go to the CMS, you don’t need the stress or any unpleasantness of talking finances. Keeps it fair and objective (when they are employees anyway, I believe self-employed is a different matter)

Good luck 😊

HirplesWithHaggis Wed 10-Jan-18 17:15:55

He has no right to be on the birth certificate unless OP agrees, as has been explained.

He may choose to have no contact, but he may also choose to interfere in the child's education, health treatment, and even foreign holidays for the next 18 years, so it's a pretty big decision for the Op to hand him those rights.

He may also choose to become a caring, involved father, willingly paying maintenance and more, happily spending time with the child. And then OP can have him added to the birth certificate, if he agrees.

lifeandtheuniverse Wed 10-Jan-18 20:29:02

He has every right t be on the birth certificate and at the end of the day, the OP has no control over that.
She can omit him and he can legally get himself added - she can not stop that process.

No to the delivery room, he can wait out side.

What ever way you want to look at it, he will be DDs father not putting him on the birth cert will not change that fact.

AssassinatedBeauty Wed 10-Jan-18 20:32:40

He has no right to compel the OP to put him on the birth certificate. He had the right to subsequently assert his paternity and take it to court to add his name to the birth certificate, should it be definitively proved he is the father.

Starlight2345 Wed 10-Jan-18 22:15:04

Op . I worry about all his demands. As others have said no rights on the labour ward . Do let midwives know if demands . If he is 300 miles away I doubt he will be around when you register anyway . He seems full of demands but not offering much . The cms can avoid the conflict when he argues about it refer him back to cms

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