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First Christmas without DC - tips on how to cope

(24 Posts)
dondleoffice Thu 21-Dec-17 10:27:16

It was my idea to get alternate Christmases written into the court order (ex previously dicked around with last minute changes, stressing us out, letting DC down, keeping DC for longer than we agreed)

That doesn't make it any easier saying goodbye and knowing I won't see them until 27th.

I knew it was coming, and my lovely DP and I are spending Christmas day and boxing day in a spa hotel to try and take my mind off it. I have arranged a 2nd Christmas day on the 29th Dec for when DC gets back.

But I keep intermittently bursting into tears. It's unusual for me. I am not that big into Christmas usually. I have been without DC for a week at a time before (over summer hols) and never been emotional about it.

I think I am anxious as well because last year the ex ended up keeping DC (against my wishes and our previous agreement) for 9 days (should have been 7). The memories have come flooding back and I just feel so teary.

So...any tips on keeping the tears at bay? I am going to lunch today with my DP's family. They will prob mention my DC. I do not want to burst into tears at the table.

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dondleoffice Thu 21-Dec-17 10:52:57


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jaimelannistersgoldenhand Thu 21-Dec-17 12:32:09

I think you have to keep busy and plan stuff. What did you do for Xmas pre-kids?

I'm waking up without my 2 but I know that they will have a good time with ex which makes me feel better. I think I'll treat it like a normal Saturday morning and wake up late, have a cuppa etc rather than champagne as it's a special day. Downplaying things will make me feel better until they get back.

dondleoffice Thu 21-Dec-17 12:42:33

Thank you for replying jaimie. Getting a reply has made me feel just that bit better flowers

I have a lunch planned with an old friend just before Christmas, and will see a lot of DP over the holidays. I will be having mega lie-ins every day I am not working, which is a novelty!

Pre-kids I spent with family but I can't bear the thought of doing all that without my DC there, I need to do something totally different. Plus I think that side of the family have no sympathy for me...I get the feeling they are a "stay together for the kids...even if one partner is an abusive twat" type of people. They can't understand why I left, and how I could possibly even THINK about not spending Christmas with my DC faints


Do you have your DC over New Year then?

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IfyouseeRitaMoreno Thu 21-Dec-17 12:49:47

OP I know it’s hard but I think you’re doing the right thing. Taking yourself off somewhere fabulous and moving Xmas day to the 29th will just make the holidays last longer wink

Your XH keeping them longer is unacceptable though. Did you go to court after that incident? If so, perhaps that will give him a kick up the arse and let him know such behaviour isn’t on.

Stay strong. You have a “lovely DP” to support you and you just need to distract yourself with lots of nice things which it sounds like you’re already doing. flowers

dondleoffice Thu 21-Dec-17 12:55:19

Hi Rita, thanks for replying

Yes, I took ex to court after Christmas-gate. I spent two full days sobbing. He was over 200 miles away with DC, taunting me via text. Said we never had any such agreement (I have an email thread that says otherwise). I was absolutely distraught. I had no car to get there and trains were £300. The police said I could do nothing because he has parental responsibility.

So...I took him to court. Represented myself. Got most of what I wanted written into an order and was so relieved. Have tried not to think about not seeing DC at Christmas, but now they have gone I keep remembering what it felt like when he kept them from me.


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dondleoffice Thu 21-Dec-17 12:57:11

We booked the spa hotel months ago, knowing that it would be hard for me. And I am looking forward to it. But also just have this apprehensive and dreadful feeling - probably directly related to events of last year.

I just want my DC with me sad

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dondleoffice Thu 21-Dec-17 12:58:23

I know I am doing the right thing, and DC were happy going off with ex, so that makes things infinitely easier. But it just seems unfair that I do the bulk of the work with DC, he is abusive towards me - yet he gets to wake up with them on Christmas Day. ARGH!

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pingu73 Thu 21-Dec-17 13:01:43

I’m doing the same . My daughters sister ....ex’s daughter is coming to Yorkshire so in order for her to maximise that visit she went last Sunday as we have joint care and will be there til 27rh.
If if was going to letter of the law she’d be back with me Christmas Eve but that’s not what’s in her best interests.
On the day hubby and myself are going to chill and enjoy “us” time. My kids are older though so probably easier.
We will celebrate 27th will all te trimmings so it will extend our Christmas too.
As long as they’re happy having fun at the other end I’m happy 😃

FoofFighter Thu 21-Dec-17 13:04:10

It's tough isn't it sadI'll be having lots of winecake to keep me occupied.

I'll be getting mine back at 11 on Boxing Day but my stomach is in knots already that he will pull a stunt to not return dc in an attempt to control and upset me.


dondleoffice Thu 21-Dec-17 13:42:16

I hear ya, food. Do you not have a court order in place? I too will be indulging on the cake and wine rather a lot

Pingu... You're right, it is an opportunity to just be with dp and do "us" things. And I know It in dc best interests to go with their father. It's just gut wrenching

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dondleoffice Thu 21-Dec-17 13:43:53

Sorry, Foof! Auto correct

My ex is the same... Uses previous arrangements to control and upset. That's why I took him to court. Now he can be brought to book. Although that doesn't stop him causing hassle and stress at every corner

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MagicFajita Thu 21-Dec-17 13:48:50

You've got the right idea op. The hotel sounds great.

Before I met dp I had a Christmas without my first two dc and just booked Xmas lunch at a restaurant with a friend. I spent the evening bingeing on boxsets and cheese. I was sad but I got through it.

It is hard though. It may only be one day but it's an emotive one.

I hope you have a good day.

LesLavandes Thu 21-Dec-17 14:48:20

I have same problem except I don't have a dp. My first Christmas alone was 2 years ago. I flew away but have never felt sadder in my life than on Christmas Day. The tears were coming out horizontally. I am without the children this Christmas again. I am on holiday now but will unfortunately arrive back Christmas Eve. I have mine back 27th also. No idea how to cope with it

FoofFighter Thu 21-Dec-17 16:07:07

No court order no.

Enjoy your spa!

dondleoffice Fri 22-Dec-17 09:53:09

Magic - thank you. Boxsets and cheese are always a winner!! i may take some to the hotel smile

Les - flowers - is there anyone you can visit on Christmas day? It's really crap isn't it because obvuiosly everything is closed so you can't even go out shopping or to the gym or whatever to take your mind off it. Maybe you could take a long walk? Or just slob out watching TV. God, its hard.

Foof - Thank you, I will try smile

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Phillipa12 Fri 22-Dec-17 17:48:05

I have come to stay at friends and am cooking lunch for 9 people to take my mind off the fact that i dropped my 3 dc age 9/3/2 with their dad this afternoon, what hurts most is that he never had his other son for xmas but wants ours. I will be picking up the boys very early boxing day though so we can celebrate once we have driven the 3hours home!

dondleoffice Sat 23-Dec-17 09:43:58

Thanks phillipa it's very interesting hearing how other people do their Christmas's

I have just had a thought. A few weeks ago ex sent me a text saying something along the lines of "my mum thinks dc should stay with you this year for Christmas, just like last year"

At the time I thought he was playing silly games, trying to change at the last minute, trying to get me to go against the court order, trying to get out of seeing dc over Xmas etc etc. I just replied saying we should stick to the court order.

I now wonder if he was hinting that he wouldn't mind if dc stayed with me for Christmas day every year. Do you think I should bring it up with him at some point, or leave as is??

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Mooey89 Sat 23-Dec-17 09:53:10

This is the first Christmas DS (4) has spent with exh.

My ex strangled me one Christmas, another Christmas he had a row with his sister where the police were called, swearing over the Christmas dinner table (one year SIL called MIL a selfish cunt because she hadn’t made any bread sauce!!) is the norm.

I’m an emotional wreck. It’s court ordered, or I would not be doing it. It’s only 2 nights, but I’m so worried about them ruining my babies Christmas 😭 my plan is to get drunk, and then have a proper Christmas with him when he gets home

dondleoffice Sat 23-Dec-17 14:20:23

Oh Mooey wine

I too will be getting shit faced grin

Just had a trip to Ann Summers too so Christmas Day will be filled with booze and debauchery. It's what santa would have wanted wink

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dondleoffice Sat 23-Dec-17 14:51:53

How much contact via telephone do you have with dc when they are away?

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HappyHedgehog247 Sat 23-Dec-17 21:53:55

I only have my DC every other Christmas. The first one was really tough. Now I make the absolute most of the run up to Christmas with lots of festive events and then make sure I've got something booked in each day when by myself so I'm forced to get out and not mope! It's hard but it's better than being in a shit relationship.

FoofFighter Mon 25-Dec-17 18:05:10

Hope everyone's having a good day in spite of not having the children winewinethanksthanksginginginginfsmilefsmile

I just video chatted DD she got toilet trouble and yo-yos so she’s happy.

I’m less happy that I said to Ex mil last week I’d bought her a ukekele and she showed me a video of her playing an old one at their house but that was fine, she'd just have two

They’ve gone out and bought her a new one and he was smirking in background while she was encouraged to show me on the chat.


dondleoffice Sat 30-Dec-17 12:47:07

Foof... Shower of shits. Why do people have to be so petty?

My Christmas was great, I was a little sad but kept my mind occupied.

Hope everyone had a good one xxx

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