Talk

Advanced search

Troubles with ex at 39 weeks pregnant

(76 Posts)
user1494270143 Sat 16-Dec-17 17:54:56

Hi,

I was wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and would love to know how you coped with a self centred arse hole (excuse my language 😂)

I fell pregnant unexpectedly with my ex, I told him straight away and he gave me a lot of verbal abuse told me I was ruining his life, he hated me, wanted an abortion blah blah blah.

I decided to keep the baby and said I’m happy to do it on my own and understood if he chose to walk away. I wanted it to come from a genuine place if he was going to be a dad!! Couple months later he gets a new job and moves away.... (a good 5 hours away aswell)

He kept getting in contact randomly, I think he was just confused at what he wanted. But I cut it off as it wasn’t doing me any good always guessing where his head was at, none of his friends or family knew and I needed to concentrate on my baby and looking forward to the future.

I’ve saved my arse off for the baby, and done everything by myself. Invited him to the scans but yes you guessed it he always had an excuse as to why he couldn’t be there! Said it wasn’t his “thing”.

He then had a change of heart it seemed and was begging to be in mine and the babies life. Said he’d prioritise us and not his job, he’d move back home and make it all up to me. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and said I will try and put the past behind us if he could prove he was going to be the best dad to my son. I wasn’t interested in rekindling anything with him.

But now all he seems to do is make me feel rubbish, never asks how I am, his family now know (only until a few weeks ago) but none of them have been in touch, he said he can’t guarantee he will be free because of work when the babies born, and said he will be home a couple of days a month to see him on weekends. I just feel so disappointed.

I told him the other day I want the baby to have my last name as he hasn’t proven to be there or do anything, not bought the baby anything or anything. And he’s kicked off saying he will be fuming if the baby doesn’t have his last name as it means a lot to him, I explained also he won’t be on the birth certificate until he’s proved himself.

I just don5 know how to compromise as he says he wants us to forget about the past and for me to stop being angry and stubborn (his words) but I can’t help it as I’m still hurt from everything that’s happened.

Can anyone shed some light or just tell me how I should go on with him. I want to be civil I really do and hate all of the tension. I could have the baby any day really and it’s just not clicked for him. 😞 I want to enjoy my last few weeks of being pregnant!

NorthernSpirit Sat 16-Dec-17 21:51:28

The father should be on the birth certificate.

The child deserves to know who it’s dad is. The child can later decide if it wants a relationship with the dad.

Why would you put unknown if you know who the father is?

DancingLedge Sat 16-Dec-17 22:03:57

No, no, if you're not in a relationship, don't put the father on the birth certificate. If you do, you're handing him 50% parental responsibility for the child. 50% say in decisions.

If you're open to the father stepping up, and being involved in the upbringing of the child, all well and good, let him step up. Not being on the BC won't prevent him acting like a father. Won't prevent the child growing up knowing who their father is.

But if , as a father, he turns out to be a waste of space, dipping in and out when it suits him, why would you have given him 50% of the legal role of being a parent? Many regret this.

He didn't want the child, wanted a termination? Moved away? Well. sadly you can't rely on him, so do what is important to YOU about the surname. Doesn't bother me, having different surname to my DC, but if it's important to you, stick to your guns. If this 'stops' him acting like a father, then, trust me, he's not a father worth having.

Best of luck.
Your child, your responsibility= only you on BC.

user1494270143 Sat 16-Dec-17 22:05:47

@northernspirit my baby will know who his father is! he can see him whenever he is home and wants to.

From all of the advice I have received given my situation from my health visitor/midwife his name can be added at any point in the future. I have discussed this with the father and he is fine about it.

user1494270143 Sat 16-Dec-17 22:10:34

@dancingledge I completely agree and glad you see where I’m coming from! That’s exactly why I don’t want to put him on straight away, I would much rather give it time than give him 50% parental rights after everything. My health visitor advised me and said not to rush anything so I know I won’t. 😊

Thank you so much! Your reply was much needed, I was beating myself up about it so much last night but you’re right I need to do what’s best for me and my baby.

I think I let things get to me too much, either that or my raging hormones! Thanks lovely

mustbemad17 Sat 16-Dec-17 22:23:41

I'm thinking similar to you OP. I'm way early on in pregnancy but my ex has fucked off & shown no interest so far. No way will he be going on the birth certificate, i played that game with my DD.

Putting him on the BC gives him far too much leeway to piss you about without giving a rats ass about your son - believe me, been there. My DD's dad went on because i believed he wanted to know his daughter; 5 years on he dips in (or tries to) when his relationships go tits up. If he had money, my daughter would be a very unhappy pawn in his selfish game. Thankfully he can't afford court.

Not putting his name down doesn't stop him being a dad, it just gives you more control over the situation. Given his previous you need that control. Same for the surname thing. He has diddly squat say in that or his name going down, it is your choice.

I'm all for dads' rights...but i'm more for childs' rights

letsdolunch321 Sat 16-Dec-17 22:30:19

Agree with everything Dancingledge has said. How a guy will change when he originally has had little interest is beyond me.

SpareASquare Sat 16-Dec-17 22:38:16

I hate it when babies are used this way.

You chose this man to have a baby with. Surely the time to decide if he was 'worthy' was beforehand? Rather than playing the 'prove it to me' games afterwards. Never understand that.

Playing games with the birth certificate is poor form as well. You won't put him on as some kind of punishment for 'hurting' you but maybe later if he dances to your tune? He's the father of this baby. YOU decided this. But he won't be named as such? Because he might actually want to BE a father? I always wonder how all these 'no father' children feel later on.

Have been in a similar situation. The ONLY way to make it work is to make it about the baby and ONLY the baby. No punishing or withholding because your feelings got hurt. No assuming a relationship with the baby means a relationship (romantic) with you.
At least, that's the grown up way of doing things.

user1494270143 Sat 16-Dec-17 22:41:27

@mustbemad oh I’m so sorry to hear that! It’s honestly such a joke! Exactly what I thought, I’ve said if you prove to your son you’re committed to being a dad then fair enough you have every right, and I would never stop him being a dad. But honestly he does not seem interested in the slightest and I just feel like he was kicking up a fuss to have a go at me and try to get to me.

We just need to focus on the babies and forget about self centred idiots, it’s just so frustrating as I’m so close to having him I just want to focus on being pregnant and enjoying it! Hope you’re ok anyway, definitely stick to your guns and go with what you think is best x

mustbemad17 Sat 16-Dec-17 22:42:27

The only one playing with the baby is the man who told OP to abort. Then ran off. Then came back with empty promises. Then backed out again.

At no point has OP said she will refuse a relationship between the child & her ex. Why on earth would any sane woman willingly hand over 50% rights to a man who clearly can't make his mind up about his priorities??

It's so easy to say 'you chose to have a kid with him' - situations & people change. Hindsight is a bloody wonderful thing!

mustbemad17 Sat 16-Dec-17 22:45:13

OP it's a massive kick in the teeth! For me the baby was planned by us both - i came off contraception sooner than we initially agreed because he was so excited. We were in a good place. So I thought!!

I would never stop him seeing his child unless i had good reason. But i am a firm believer in consistency; my DD's dad couldn't be consistent even for a week. The emotional torment for a child waiting for daddy & having him not turn up? To me that's tantamount to abuse.

DancingLedge Sat 16-Dec-17 22:46:39

Square OP has already said she's not up for a relationship with the father.
The issue of the birth certificate is not about playing games, or punishing.

The legal facts are, if an absentee father is put on the BC, and chooses to see the child, say 3 times in the first 6 years, they still have 50:50 rights. In decisions such as the child's education, where child lives, may need their permission to holiday abroad with child.
If the father has been at some point, a resident, involved parent , that's one thing. But, if they never have been, and actually wanted a termination in the first place, why the hell would you complicate everyone's life by giving them rights without any responsibility?

user1494270143 Sat 16-Dec-17 22:52:31

@spareassquare babies used in what way can I ask? I decided to keep the baby because that was MY decision. I was fully aware of the situation and what may arise. He didn’t want anything to do with the baby, whatsoever.

How in gods name is not putting him on the bir5 certificate straight away playing games?! I’ve said he can go on the birth certificate when I feel as though he is a dad to my son, why would I give a man 50% parental rights when he has done absolutely nothing to honour that. We’ve spoken about the birth certificate and he is completely fine with it. My baby will know who his father is and I would never get in the way of that or their relationship...... so your comment of “I always winder how all these no father children feel later on” isn’t relevant.

As I’ve said I’m not interested in a relationship with him, or rekindling what we had beforehand. We are both fully aware of that. I have done everything I can to try involve him in the pregnancy, he wasn’t having any of it up until a few weeks ago,

I was coming on here to ask how other people dealt with a difficult ex who shows no genuine interest, not to be completely belittled by someone. Not to be accused of playing games.

user1494270143 Sat 16-Dec-17 22:57:59

@mustbemad17 you poor thing. It honestly boggles my brain, I’ve spoken to a lot of people who have said the same!!. You are completely right, consistency is what a child needs. You sound a tough cookie though!

@dancingledge you’ve hit the nail on the head!!

mustbemad17 Sat 16-Dec-17 23:00:26

Think you have to be when your kids are involved! I knew from the start - and made him well aware too - that having had one ex trying to mess my kid around there was no way it was happening again. I stand by that fully.

You sound like your son is the priority. If you've given him chances & he cba, what can you do? I've seen the result of what i call 'jack in the box' dads & ime it causes far more issues than not having a name on a birth certificate!!

Thehogfather Sat 16-Dec-17 23:16:49

Agree with dancing re the birthd certificate. As for other involvement, the best advice I have is to make decisions you won't regret in 5/10/20 years time, when the relationship is a dim memory and your dc wants details.

Nobody can tell you what the best decisions will be right now. He could be an immature twat who gets his shit together and becomes a great nrp once the baby is born. Or he could remain an immature arse who wants to play musical bumps with your child's emotions, popping in and out of their lives as it suits. Both scenarios require very different reactions from you. So I suppose don't make any solid decisions just yet.

As to the child knowing who their father is, nobody who does it alone simply hands their dc the birth certificate with the fathers name on to explain matters. Named or not, it's something you discuss with your child as & when. So ignore northern

MilesHuntsWig Sat 16-Dec-17 23:21:31

Focus on you and the baby, he has had chances to step up and hasn’t managed it. For whatever reason. He will have chances in the future but you need to look after yourself at the moment.

SpareASquare Sun 17-Dec-17 05:48:40

Why on earth would any sane woman willingly hand over 50% rights to a man who clearly can't make his mind up about his priorities??

I'm pretty sane. lol. I handed them over because he is the father. He didn't actually enforce those rights but I felt I owed it to my child/ren to have their fathers name on the birth certificate. I chose to have a child with him and would never wanted them to feel their dad never wanted them in the first place.
Like I said, I don't get the 'prove to me you'll live up to my expectations or else you get nothing' mindset. I just don't. If you're playing that card, you've left it a little late don't you think? I also don't get the 'he hurt my feelings so I don't know if he should get to......." Of course there is the mindset of "I want a baby and I'm going to have one regardless" which never seems to end well for the child.

I knew I'd most likely be alone in my opinion because, well, it's MN where having a baby after 5 mins seems the 'norm' but it's how I feel. I am many years down the track with incredibly wonderful and well adjusted children because, no matter what their father did or didn't do, they had a stable and loving home with me. They also know I did EVERYTHING possible to ensure their father could be involved.

NukaColaGirl Sun 17-Dec-17 06:02:33

Birth certificate: you can’t just put him on in his abscence unless you’re married! He has to be there at the registry office to do it. He could be sign by proxy if you had his address but he doesn’t have to, there’s no legal recourse if he refuses to. My ex refused to be on the BC.

It’s also not rights, it’s responsibility and he has clearly shown he has zero intention of being a parent to this child.

He doesn’t need to be on the BC for you to claim child support from him either.

Should he grow the fuck up at some point, it is easy to have the BC amended however it does require a DNA test from a company approved by courts - me and my ex did this when our DC was 2 (he turned up on my doorstep when DC was 6 months old) and has been consistent every since (DC now 13)

mustbemad17 Sun 17-Dec-17 09:56:53

Wow Spare way to be condascending & insulting all in one post. Glad that there are still some perfect parents out there who things just always seem to turn out right for 🙄

Thehogfather Sun 17-Dec-17 11:47:53

spare yeah, those of us who didn't put the father on the cert all just had babies within 5 minutes of meeting their ex.

Not naming the father is reversible, naming them isn't.

Every single parent I've ever known, or older/adult dc from single parent families all agree that if the nrp isn't committed to being a good, responsible parent, then dc do a lot better without them at all. I'm years down the line too, and my dd has never had the problems and self doubt associated with a father who fucks her about, something he would have done if he had been involved as for him being a good dad wasn't in his nature.

It isn't usually about hurt feelings, it is down to making sure your dc aren't subject to someone with a legal right to screw them about when or if they want.

ThisLittleKitty Sun 17-Dec-17 13:41:38

Unless the father is a danger then he should be added to the birth certificate. It's a legal document not something you have to "earn" otherwise mothers should have to prove themselves first aswell.

NorthernSpirit Sun 17-Dec-17 13:47:52

I agree with the above poster. Why wouldn’t you put the father on the birth certificate if you know who he is? It’s not a right to be earned and your child has a right to know. By not putting his name on you are withholding that right. It’s not a game / or something to be earned. He’s the father - put his name on.

user1494270143 Sun 17-Dec-17 14:11:33

That’s your opinion and I appreciate your view on it. However, I’m going to do what I think is best for my baby. As I’ve said before my health visitor and midwife have both said they’ve seen similar situations and would advise on not putting the name on straight away.

If my baby’s father doesn’t have a problem with it then that is fine and is what I will do smile

ThisLittleKitty Sun 17-Dec-17 15:13:44

I'm sure he is not fine with it and is probably going along with it because he knows it will cause a fall out. But whatever.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now