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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Ex has a new partner

12 replies

emski1972 · 09/12/2017 17:41

Well I happen to know as I was the recipient of a message that wasn’t for me...and there have been hints but no direct conversation. I’ve guessed that today is the day that the kids 5 and 7 are going to meet her.
Should he tell me?
I’m torn between it’s none of my business and shouldn’t I be aware if my kids are meeting a new girlfriend.
What do you think?

OP posts:

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octobersunshine · 09/12/2017 20:24

Emski, I'm in a similar situation to you. I feel that, as the primary cater, I have a right to know if ex is introducing new partner to DD as they have the potential to impact on and influence DS' life. I'd want to talk about what I would and wouldn't be happy with - such as no photos on social media etc. I think it's only fair to have that discussion prior to introducing them.

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Marissa2727 · 09/12/2017 21:11

Would you tell him if you were going to introduce the children to a new partner?

Not too unreasonable to want to know but it doesn't really change anything. You've got to question why you want to know?
You can't really vet her, if you don't like her he can still decide to continue the relationship. He should be able to decide when to introduce her and you need to trust his judgement about whether he feels it is appropriate to introduce her to his children. Just the same as if he decides to introduce the children to other people in his life.

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octobersunshine · 09/12/2017 22:47

I get what you mean, in terms of whether it is my business who DS spends time with when he's with his dad. However, i know that very clear choices about how I parent my child, in terms of books, language used, discipline etc. And a new partner has the potential to impact on these things in the way just introducing a mate wouldn't. So, if there's anything that might impact on how I bring my child up, I think it's right and fair that should be discussed first. For instance, I make a point of never telling my DS 'man up' or other similar language, so I'd like to make sure ex knows his girlfriend must be on the same page.

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Marissa2727 · 09/12/2017 23:08

@octobersunshine but your ex might also have ideas of how he would like to parent his child.
You are not together anymore so when he is in charge of his child he needs to be able to judge what behaviour is appropriate by other people (e.g new girlfriend) and tell her accordingly. I don't think it is appropriate for you to tell your ex how he should parent his child and expect him to pass this on to his girlfriend.
You can discuss things together and they may take these suggestions onboard but you can't control. There are two households now which will have different rules and values. Difficult but true.

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octobersunshine · 09/12/2017 23:15

That's true, but if my ex had wanted to play a role in his child's life, he shouldn't have chosen drugs, and parties and the gym, and festivals and lads holidays over his child as he has consistently done. He relinquished all responsibility to the extent that he doesn't now get the 'right' to tell me how he wants to parent DS. DS and I have had to manage on our own, whilst ex galavants, so I feel if there's any silver lining to my responsibility, it's parenting the child i look after 99% of the time how I choose.

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Marissa2727 · 09/12/2017 23:20

That's fine but unfortunately whilst dc is with your ex he decides how to parent them and the girlfriend will probably be involved in this. It's not in your control.

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NorthernSpirit · 09/12/2017 23:21

No, he doesn’t have to tell you (just as you don’t have to tell the dad what you do, who you introduce the children to).

You have to disconnect and relinquish your control. You have to trust the other parent to parent as he sees fit.

You don’t have ‘a right to know’ as another poster says above. This is just control on the mothers part - do you seek approval from the father on who you introduce the children to, how to parent? I doubt it. The NRP has the same rights as the RP.

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octobersunshine · 09/12/2017 23:26

I'm not asking to vet his girlfriend or tell him he can't spend time with him, i would just like a discussion prior to introduction about the scenario. I don't want my son to get conflicting messages about what's acceptable and what's not, like chocolate, whether he can play with guns etc.

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SpareASquare · 09/12/2017 23:26

Nah, I don't think he needs to tell you. I certainly don't feel I need to tell my ex everything.
It is usually the other parent that creates any issue, not the meeting of a new person. Kids are far more resilient than given credit for when there is no one actively influencing their reactions.
I am my childrens mother. I raise them the way I feel is best when they are with me. I don't need to micromanage when they are with the person I chose to be their father. They know my friends, they know his. Whether that includes a SO or not isn't really an issue for me.

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NorthernSpirit · 09/12/2017 23:50

@Octobersinshine - your words sound quite controlling ‘what’s acceptable and what’s not’ that’s how you choose to parent. Your not together anymore and the father. Am parent how he wishes. Just as you don’t have to listen to him telling you what is and isn’t acceptable. Let go.

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kittensinmydinner1 · 10/12/2017 02:12

Sorry Octobersunshine but you are wrong on this one. If it ever became a contact issue a judge would tell you the same.
If you have a second parent with PR , then they have PR. They don't have part- PR. Or PR lite.
If the parent is suitable to have contact either because the resident parent has never stopped contact or a court has awarded it - then during the time the parent had that child decision as to how that child is patented is complete.
If there are issues that you feel strongly enough to want to enforce - then you have to go back to court for a specific issues order. But these will be quite major things like which school the child should attend. Religion/religious observance etc.. not wanting the heads up before a new partner is introduced. This is the business of the parent with care at the time.

Obviously, if your ex agrees to let you know, then that's great. It's just not something you can demand as a right.

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emski1972 · 10/12/2017 10:51

Hi thanks everyone. Sparesquare that’s sounds like advice I would give a friend. My mantra is just don’t be an arsehole parent and mess up your kids. It’s none of my business and I think I was probably having a moment of self indulgence.