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How to introduce ds to his stranger dad

(21 Posts)
sleepypotato Tue 05-Dec-17 22:31:19

Split up with ex before I found out I was pregnant, he didn't want any part of it. Ds is now 8 and his father has got in touch saying he will take me to court if I don't facilitate him.

Any advice?

Solasum Tue 05-Dec-17 22:36:06

How odd. Do you think he has met someone and wants to play the ‘dad of the year but my ex is an evil bitch’ card?

I’d want to establish his motives before enabling any contact. Has he been paying maintenance to you? Do you have any contact with his wider family?

I think there is a very real risk that any interest in your son could be only temporary, which could be utterly devastating for him.

Maybe suggest a meeting just the two of you to discuss? He is essentially a stranger now after all. If his attitude towards you is anything other than respectful and cooperative I’d be doubly on your guard.

AJPTaylor Tue 05-Dec-17 22:37:45

I would ignore. Let him. Is he on birth certificate?

sleepypotato Tue 05-Dec-17 22:40:34

Not on birth cert, not paying anything.

I feel sick to my stomach if I'm honest.

sleepypotato Tue 05-Dec-17 22:42:59

I also can't afford for it to go to court, and it freaks me out that it wouldn't be under my control if it went to court. Arghh.

I just feel in angry Mum mode and want to protect ds. I just don't know what's best!

Solasum Tue 05-Dec-17 22:48:48

Send him a bill for maintenance owed?

ferriswheel Tue 05-Dec-17 22:49:26

Suggest birthday, Christmas cards and presents. A few months of a pen pal exchange. Suggest it in writing.

If he does take you to court you'll be seen to be playing fair.

Then if six months down the line your ds's father is still playing pen pal you could suggest a meet up type introduction.

I doubt he'll put the effort in. Then he'll be gone again.

Solasum Tue 05-Dec-17 22:55:57

You sound scared of him. Don’t send him pictures, and expressly state that no one apart from you is authorised to collect him from school, just in case.

Solasum Tue 05-Dec-17 22:56:34

Expressly state to school I mean

Paperweightmover Tue 05-Dec-17 23:14:39

I would suggest you look into the Child Sex Offenders Disclosure Scheme - Sarah's Law if any adult I wasn't totally sure about may come into contact with my child.

Find out more about what's likely to happen in court. It could be the best option for you, they may get him to pay up AND keep his distance.

I wouldn't introduce them without getting professional guidance. I prefer the idea of Christmas cards and gifts from the Dad, your child can reciprocate if he wants. I also wouldn't meet him yourself, you could be too open to manipulation.

kittensinmydinner1 Tue 05-Dec-17 23:18:06

He has to do a LOT of work before it gets to court. ( which btw costs him lots and you nothing except the time the hearing takes). First he has to apply for parental responsibility. ( which he will get if you admit he is father. No point in denying it if you know it's true as court will order dna)... then you have to have mediation (£200 per hour) and IF you can't get agreement, then it goes to court.

Personally as above I would tell him he can start with letters, presents, and slowly introduce himself. Maintenance as well. ! If he doesn't agree to your timetable he can jump through all the hoops listed above.

noheating17 Tue 05-Dec-17 23:22:14

Don't do anything. He has zero rights since he's not on the birth certificate

traviata Tue 05-Dec-17 23:23:07

no, kittensinmydinner he doesn't need parental responsibility to apply for a child arrangements order.

And even if he applied for a parental responsibility order, it is not inevitable that he would get one, even if his paternity is not in dispute, because he has not been a parent in any real sense.

But it is correct that he must apply for a mediation meeting first, and if you go to that, it's your chance to explain that there won't be any face-to-face meetings before a long process of building a relationship and trust.

sleepypotato Wed 06-Dec-17 04:31:27

I'm not scared of him, just sad I'm going to eventually have to share ds. (Long time away but inevitable) our little stable world is going to change and I've got no guarantees he won't let him down.

Thank you for all the advice, letters seems the way forward first then

pallisers Wed 06-Dec-17 04:56:29

I would ignore him tbh. Any human being who can ignore their child for 8 years needs to prove themselves worthy of the privilege of being a parent imo. I suspect he'll slink back off if ignored.

if he takes you to court - fine. Go in and explain that you were worried this was a ploy after 8 long silent years but will happily facilitate contact provided it is done in the best interests of your child. And can the court back-date on your maintenance application you have filed while they are at it.

He is some cheeky fucker that man.

pallisers Wed 06-Dec-17 04:58:18

Also I suspect if you contacted him and said "great you want contact. When do you want it? I can go out for the night for the first time in 8 years - really looking forward to it" he will be gone.

newdaylight Wed 06-Dec-17 05:16:02

I think you're doing the right thing. I've known situations like this that actually went positively. But he has to do it slow and at your timetable to demonstrate some determination.

Also, maintenance

ThisLittleKitty Wed 06-Dec-17 11:40:53

How did he contact you? Have you had literally zero contact in 8 years?

Starlight2345 Wed 06-Dec-17 13:36:46

I would ask him if he is now planning to pay maintance.

While people on here will tell you they are not connected it may well show a side he is actually interested in the childs well being.

I would ask to meet him as well. Take a look online what he has been up to.It might give you some clues..If he has worded it as you said he doesn't sound like someone who has your DC's best interests at heart.

megletthesecond Wed 06-Dec-17 13:46:54

Ignore. He should be jumping through some pretty big hoops before contact with his son. After only four years away from XP a family solicitor advised me that he would have to take it through a contact centre if he got in touch.

ForgotwhatIcameinherefor Tue 12-Dec-17 00:23:43

Firstly on the bright side thank goodness he waited this long as this would feel so much worse if DS was a toddler.

My advise would be to let him take you to court, the longer it takes the older DS will be and the more confident you can both be about him spending time with him.

Hopefully this will turn out a positive. In 8/9 years he may have grown up and come to his senses. Good luck xxx

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