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XH + vile wife have, I think, finally broken DDs heart and self esteem

(7 Posts)
keeponworking Tue 05-Dec-17 09:00:10

My DD had failed to maintain regular contact with her 'D'D - two reasons and despite her genuine desire to have contact and suggestions of when where and how they could meet. He just can't be arsed. Plus, he's getting told what to do by his wife and he does what she says.Oh and three, since their child came along of course my children went slipping way down the list to rock bottom. And further unkindly to DD, he DOES continues to actively maintain a relationship with her brother, his DS sad.

Some of you may recall me mentioning how he had imperiously asked instructed me to drive DS into a big city and drop him to a hotel around a concert he is taking DS to this coming weekend, a trip arranged by XH, instigated by XH, and therefore for XH and XH alone to organise all aspects of. I said no (with no explanation) and he tried twice more to force me to do it, ending with how he was so 'shocked and astounded' I wouldn't do his bidding (twat).

Now I actually think that I've been delivered retribution for daring to now do as instructed by him, just he's delivering it through my DD as the unwitting victim.

He's texted her this morning. We live a 2 hour there and 2 hour back distance from her 'D'Ds house. Even if DD doesn't see him for the entire rest of the year, which is in fact the case at the moment, she goes down for Christmas albeit she can only stand so much of it and last year in order to support her feeling she was able to handle the visit, I drove her there and waited around for 4 hours whilst she visited and they did present opening etc.

Well that won't be happening this year as 'D'D, as part of this punitive action against me, has just texted her saying that he will 'drop off her Xmas presents to her when he drops DS back after the concert they're going to'.

So he's effectively shut her out of Xmas altogether. She's been step-bitch and useless-dad blocked out of spending any time at Xmas with her own father. What an absolute, total, utter, cunt-bastard fucker he is (and the step'mum'). As a pair, they collude with each other and feed each other's beliefs about my DD 'only wanting to see him for the presents' and 'only wanting to see her GPs not him'. And it's because I said to him that I wouldn't drive my son to his hotel when XH can easily arrange for DS to utilise taxi's / trains.

The accusation of only wanting to see him when there's something in it for her? Not true. Her desire (which she still has, poor kid) to see her dad remains and she's tried and tried to make arrangements to see him but it constantly gets blocked. The effect of this is that DD did see her 'dad' at all this past year, the last time she saw him was last Christmas!

The accusation that she only wants to see her GPs and not him - well, a. it's not actually true but b. it's partly true because they will actually allow her to visit (or they would, however, enough poison has been dripped in their ears that now the GF also believes she only visits them for what she can get so that's probably another avenue that's closing). He's also pissed off that anyone dares to organise any family contact for DD which doesn't involve him.

He's done this to her right in the middle of her mock exams and she's so upset, she can't get herself together to go into school this morning. BASTARD.

I have mooted with her the options she has (and my personal favourite for this particular incident would be to shove the presents right back at him when he 'drops them off' and tell him to stick them where the sun don't shine) including going NC but I know that she is afraid of losing contact with other family members. Although, in effect, she's lost contact with them pretty much anyway. DD loves her half sister and her cousin. Due to her dad's actions she hardly ever sees either of them.

I'm not sure how she can maintain any level of contact with the rest of her family as things stand now, but if she did go NC (which would v much need to be her decision and I believe would need to be supported by having some counselling to help her process what's happened to her so far and therefore help her make that decision) I believe she would totally lose contact with all of them (unless they miraculously made a huge effort to facilitate contact directly with DD).

What to do? She's in bits but doesn't even want a hug from her old mum as she's trying to get her head round it in her room at the moment. I'm making pancakes.

Utter, utter, utter, utter, utter, utter, utter, utter, utter, bastard.

ReliefOfChaos Tue 05-Dec-17 11:53:23

Sorry, but this just doesn't make sense. Only you have made the link between your petty refusal to offer a lift and the Christmas plans not being what your DD wanted - not even changed, just not what you expected. It does sound like she was very unhappy to be there last year if you had to wait in the car for 4 hours for her. I think a reasonable person might think that a four hour round trip for a four hour visit with the ex-wife waiting in the cold on Christmas morning and a daughter you don't see the rest of the year might be a lot of unecessary stress on a Christmas morning.

I think if you wish to repair DD and her father's relationship it might be worth examining what your role in this has been and why it has been so different with his son. Clearly not someone who 'can't be arsed' if he has that relationship. Something else is going on.

NorthernSpirit Tue 05-Dec-17 12:46:20

It’s really hard to decipher your post.

How old are your children with your EX? Are they old enough to make their own decisions regarding contact? You sound like you need a formal contact arrangement as the current (and i’m guessing informal arrangements aren’t working).

You live a 4 hour round trip away from the dad. Who moved? Do you ever offer to go drop off’s and pick ups or meet half way?

Your Christmas arrangements sound informal and not organised. What do you do for Christmas? A court would order alternative years.

You sound very angry towards the EX and his new partner. The children will be picking up on this resentment. Please do facilitate contact - your children will than you for it in the long run.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand Tue 05-Dec-17 18:25:50

You might want to replace DD (Dear Dad) with DF (Dear Father) next time. Your post isn't clear on why your son seems to be on good terms with his Dad while your daughter hasn't seen him in a year.

I'm a single parent of 3 and only 2 if the kids see their Dad. The third (16 years old) has decided to go NC.

What does your son think about this? A lot of people commented on your other thread about how strange it was that he would accept treats like concert tickets when his sister was being shunned. Does he think that his father's actions towards his sister are out of spite?

Oswin Tue 05-Dec-17 18:32:47

Northern spirt what are you on about the op should facilitate contact? Her daughter has been trying to have contact with her father. He doesn't want too? How the fuck anyone can come to the conclusion it's ops fault that he's a nasty bastard astounds me.

MadisonMontgomery Tue 05-Dec-17 18:37:49

I don’t get it - why does your DS get to see him & spend time with him when your DD doesn’t? Is your DS seeing him at Christmas?

keeponworking Sun 10-Dec-17 22:55:02

A lot of extra details and information have come my way this weekend, information I didn't know before this weekend and which I hadn't had any idea I'd be getting.

DD is 15, DS is now 18 (since the summer). Both had contact orders. DD stopped going regularly after she suffered (from age 8 to age 14) with the effects of being not the favourite grandchild and the least favourite child in the new family her 'father' created when he remarried and had a child. Because of unequal treatment, negative favouritism and the step'mum', DD now suffers from anxiety and has had her self esteem ripped to shreds. DS is older. He is also more popular in grandparental and step family pecking orders - I realise this may be difficult for people to understand, but some families / family dynamics are toxic, laced with delusions and some children through no fault of their own get treated differently and that is what has happened here.

I found out this weekend that I was right in that yes, the offer to bring DDs gifts to her here at home by her father was purely because step'mum' had decided DD wasn't allowed to go to see her father at their house, only DS was. This is clearly what also happened in the summer when DD wanted to go down there to see him and he made up some shit about building work (all of which could have been gotten round so was just a lie to divert from the real reason, that it was his wife ordering that DD couldn't go, not anything to do with building, painting or plastering).

Unfortunately DH is such a weak pussy he would rather lose all contact with his DD than tell his wife where to stuff it and that ALL his children come first, the one he had with her and his first two that he had with me. There should be no difference but she sees to it that there is.

More lies: Apparently DD "Has hurt step'mum' (these are SMs words btw that are relayed based on the account of a reliable person who heard them themselves) so many times that this is DDs last chance". Sadly, none of us know what these repeated hurts are that my DD is supposed to have done, what form this second chance is meant to take or what it involves, or what does DD 'get' if she passes this last chance mystery test?!? No one would know. DD certainly hasn't got a scooby.

The fact that he said he was going to drop the presents off 'because he didn't know if she was coming for Xmas' - is absolutely SHITTY - because what he was actually going to do was drop the presents off then wait until (what, Xmas Eve?) to tell her that she couldn't come?!
Appalling. Cruel. Weak. Damaging. He knew she'd been 'banned' and he didn't have the guts to tell her.

Apparently discussions have been had (this is the grandparents words btw) and the wonderful, milk of human kindness step'mum' has given DD a 'last chance' out of the 'goodness of her heart' after DD has 'hurt her so many times' (this is absolute bullshit btw) such that DD is now being allowed to go there for Xmas Day. What a nasty woman she is - she must honestly have some vivid imagination because DD god bless her is a kind and thoughtful girl, always thinking of others, and she's not actually done anything wrong at all.

Then another honest and reliable family member commented that it's only the grandparents who think the new wife is great - everyone else (and I mean everyone else from kids to adults alike), absolutely cannot stand her. She's obsessed with her child and her hobby and this relative of my DDs said that she seems to have forgotten that BOTH DD and DS are his children and that he should be allowed to see them. Of course, if he was anything of a man he'd just tell her look love, these are my children and I will be seeing them so do one if you don't like it - but there you go. He's an utter bellend and that won't ever change.

So yes Relief 'something else is going on'. As explained, she is not a favourite child within that side of the family - it's as simple as that. And Northern to answer all your points, yes they are now old enough to make their own decisions regarding contact. We still have a formal contact arrangement for DD, obviously, since she's still under 16 - because of the unfavourable conditions and treatment she's experienced when having contact she finally stopped going all the time like she had been (even when she didn't want to). She desperately wanted to keep seeing her dad but he would make NO adjustments to arrangements to accommodate that (of course, this was because he was told he couldn't by his wife). I moved for 2 reasons, 1. I couldn't afford a house with the divorce money I came away with where we lived at the time of the divorce and 2. he spent fuck all time with them even when they were young and we'd just divorced. A pitifully small amount of time - they weren't losing anything by moving, in fact it was only when the court order came about that they got the EOW contact they deserved, it wasn't driven by him. We met half way every time, EOW and school holidays for 8 years so yes, I made it completely as fair as it could possibly be. He called for court ordered contact (which actually forced him to have them half the school holiday as after the divorce until the contact was court ordered he didn't have them in the holidays ever, at all) and he is the one currently not even trying to exercise that contact with DD because his wife is telling him not to. We routinely do EOY for Xmas/NY now as we did when he adhered to the court order, but since one child is now an adult (DS) then it's up to DS to decide when and how long he goes for and DD has more of a say as is appropriate.

"You sound very angry towards the EX and his new partner". Yes, I am. Anyone would be. You do know, it's ok to be angry, women ARE allowed to be angry. I rarely have ANY communication with XH, none with the step'mum' - my relationship with XH doesn't make her cry in her room, he does when she realises he doesn't want to see her at Xmas, my 'resentment' of him and her doesn't make her feel so shitty and worthless that she has to miss a half a day off school because she's so GUTTED that her dad once again doesn't want to see her - they do all that. I support her. 100%. Your tone is a bit condescending at the latter part of your post. I came on HERE to rant, I don't do it around the children even though he creates situations and puts me in positions where the 'kids' end up getting caught up in shit that's nothing to do with them because both he and his wife think that everything is everyone else's responsibility but theirs. On those occasions I may rant on here but I keep it calm with them because them not being further dragged into that particular brand of misery is something I am at pains to avoid.

There are two important sayings here:
"Where there's a will there's a way"
If XH had any kind of a backbone / he genuinely wanted to see his DD he would bloody well make sure that contact took place. He's got a car, he's not skint and there's every opportunity. If you genuinely want something you make it happen. End of.
"You can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink". As much as one might be tempted to force contact, scream and shout at him, whatever, if he's a spineless arse and she's manipulating and pressuring him to not have DD to stay, then I cannot force it to happen.

Upshot is she has been granted permission to go, she's only going to be there for 1 day (to her relief) and will be travelling back home pretty much straight after Xmas because she finds it so utterly stressful now with the massive long gaps and knowing that everyone she talks to thinks her step'mum' is great and that she herself is shit and a 'troublemaker' is incredibly hard a situation to be in - but if she wants to see her pathetic 'father' then that's what she has to experience in order to get it.

Pretty shit for DD, right?

Another saying "You can't argue with stupid". And as anyone will know who come from toxic, controlling or personality-/character-disordered families, you cannot make people like that see how shit they are because they don't care and they will never see it.

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