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Missing other parent help.

(11 Posts)
1DAD2KIDS Sun 03-Dec-17 14:40:32

As normal (but worse today) my 6yo girl has had a tottal melt down over her mummy leaving after having a weekend with her (ex see the kids every couple of weekends due to distance). She screams, shouts, bangs about and cries for her mummy. She is absolutely distort and it's so upsetting to watch. Luckily her brother (2yo) gets over her leaving quickly. Nothing I can say to her seems to makes things better, she just gets so upset and it hurts. Anyone experiance the same about kids missing the other parent? Any tips, anything I can do? Or do I just ride the tantrum out every time and let her cry it out?

pullingmyhairout1 Sun 03-Dec-17 14:47:01

How long has this situation been the norm for her?

It must be distressing for all concerned.

1DAD2KIDS Sun 03-Dec-17 14:53:18

Over 2 years now. It just so upsetting to she her so upset. Maybe it partly because she grew up knowing what it's like to live with mummy and daddy together. ds was only 6 months old at the time so it's perfectly normal to him. It makes me so upset and I have to try really hard to conceal it from her. I just hate seeing her so upset.

1DAD2KIDS Sun 03-Dec-17 14:54:42

It upsets her mum too, sometimes I can see the tears welling up in their mum when she leaves. That's why she trys to sneak away most times (unsuccesfully)

bettycat81 Sun 03-Dec-17 15:26:50

So does her mum visit in your home?

If so would it work having the contact outside the family home? Perhaps that is what is so unsettling?

1DAD2KIDS Sun 03-Dec-17 15:45:17

My ex normally has them at her parents house (same tiwn she lives). But sometimes here, this weekend they had a Christmas party to go to so she stayed here (we have a guest room). It seems to make no difference where they stay to the upset.

She does get over it. Thanks to little brother bringing her a blanket and a kiss and a cuddle she seems ok. They are both playing together nicely. She'll normally have a relapse in a couple of nights for a bit.

It's very upsetting to she her like that but she does get over it. Just wonder if there is anything I can do so we don't have to go through this everytime. Makes me feel so guilty.

ladymelbourne1926 Sun 03-Dec-17 17:16:59

This sounds distressing for you all.
I would suggest definitely don't have her sneak away, clear routine so she knows what to expect and doesn't need to worry about mummy disappearing.
Is there anyway more contact could happen? Could she FaceTime her Mum every night if you're not already doing that?
My eldest is adopted so different but she suffered extreme attachment disorder and I gave her a necklace and wore an identical one myself so that whenever she touched it, it reminded her I was with her ....would something like that help?

1DAD2KIDS Sun 03-Dec-17 21:01:53

It's something I have thought about. But I worry it may make her more upset? I think my ex tries to sneak away to make things easier on her. I know she feels very guilty about everything. So I do wonder if she would want to do a online thing.

Chucklecheeksagain Sun 03-Dec-17 22:33:25

Sneaking away will never work. It leaves you DD in limbo. You need to set a clear routine for the goodbye and use it each time.

1DAD2KIDS Mon 04-Dec-17 00:09:15

Chucklecheeksagain I think so. ladymelbourne1926 I do worry a lot about dd and the whole attachment thing. Until she was 2 I was in the forces and away a lot. Sometimes I would get called out when she was in bed and not return a few weeks. I was at home about 8 months of her first 2 years. She used to get so upset every time I would just leave the house for work or the shops etc. I think worried that I wouldn't come back for ages. I think I really need to have a talk with my ex (we get on well with the parenting) about a routine for this. After all lots of other stuff we do has set routines, its key to most of my parenting. But I know it is hard for my ex to say goodbye but she needs to be a bit stronger about it. Its very sad for us all but I am left with the aftermath.

Starlight2345 Mon 04-Dec-17 14:35:39

Have you thought of doing something visual..Like big cross on calendar when she is going to see Mummy again. then can cross the days off

My son had separation anxiety though with me when he was at school....One of the things that helped my DS that age was that he knew I thought about him when he was away from me..I would say things like I noticed it was raining at lunchtime and wondered if it was wet play etc...Her mum could do some stuff like that..Again a visual; countdown so its not play then time to go.. Maybe mum reads a story before time to go the routine things can help.. But obviously that comes from her side

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