Advanced search

Advice on introducing new DP to DC

(6 Posts)
SearchingMySoul Sun 03-Dec-17 01:43:24

Will try not to ramble. Separated from exh 18 months ago. A couple of months later, I set up a schedule where DC (boys aged 8 & 5) went to him every other w/e and one night a week. About 6 weeks ago he quit his job, left the country (I live in NY) and went to live with parents in France. He only gave DC (and me) about a month's notice of him leaving. They have been dealing ok with him being gone but get sad and angry at times, of course. In August of this year I met DP who lives abroad but visits whenever he can. I am completely in love with this man and want to share my life with him. I know it is too soon to introduce DC to him especially as their dad just left them. But it is also driving me crazy not being able to spend any time with him without sneaking around, lying, hiring babysitters etc - it's exhausting. I am desperate to just be able to have a normal life after almost 2 years of high stress and drama (not in front of the kids but mostly inside the walls of my mind and my PC/phone). I also am conscious of wanting my kids to have some experience of what a loving relationship should look like which they unfortunately never really got to see when I was with exh. I have no idea how to even approach the subject of how to introduce them and also don't know how soon is too soon. I feel pretty down when I think about how long it could be before I can have them properly meet. And I know it seems i have not been with him long enough to even be sure of anything, but I really am. I have never been surer of anything. I am also seeing a therapist who has said that it is definitely too soon but just wanted to ask on here and see if anyone has any thoughts or advice.
Thank you

Poshindevon Sun 03-Dec-17 07:41:30

Far too soon to introduce this man to your children. He lives "abroad and only visits when he can" So how many times have you met? Not enough I am sure to build a future with you and DCs. Where will you live where will hecwork. Its all pie in the sky
You are madly infatuated not in love.
Sorry to be blunt but you need to sort yourself out and build a relationship with someone before introducing them to your children

Starlight2345 Sun 03-Dec-17 08:23:02

I think you need to ask yourself how often have you met this man, if i is all quick meetings how often have you met him? How would a future with the 2 of you work with him living abroad.

Children do adapt but you need to be sure of this man before you do anything.

RollingRollingRun Sun 03-Dec-17 10:00:04

Way too soon. You sound like you are infatuated with a long distance love and in three months you cannot possibly have worked through the chemical lovelust phase. What exactly are your plans with this man outside of the bedroom? What are his plans with you? Will he move to this country to be a part of your life or will you move to be with him? Sorry but you need to put your children's needs right at the top and wait before you introduce him. I waited 6 months to introduce a man I was able to get to know well (and see every week because he was local) when I did I was really sure he and I got on. It was nearly a year before my dc knew we were dating and two years before he stayed over. Over cautious by some standards maybe but things are going very well and my dc feel secure that they are the top priority for me and he is an important part of their life now and likely to stay that way.

mustbemad17 Sun 03-Dec-17 10:04:00

Agree with PP. He lives abroad, so how often have you met him? What's your relationship when he comes it just bedroom antics or do you act as a genuine couple? What would the future plans be re living arrangements, work etc?

You've basically got a long distance fling going on atm, without sounding too harsh. I wouldn't be introducing my kids to somebody until I knew what the relationship meant & where it was heading.

CharisMama Sun 03-Dec-17 10:13:16

Having ended up with egg on my fact twice over the course of 10 years I would say wait.

The first man I took the 'risk' of introducing to my kids well, he was a very honest man and I thought what could go wrong. He just went off me that's what. Really suddenly too.

Man two, I'd been doing the hiding and babysitters and pushing water uphill through about 3 ''relationships'' (i never intended them to be casual, they just never worked out) and so when I met a man who seemed after the others to be really suitable, and even lived around the corner, I allowed him to meet my dc. That went wrong too. Now my dc are in no way harmed by this in fact i think meeting a very sensible man in the kitchen and in fact, seeing him cook, did not in harm them in the slightest, but now I feel I cannot do it again. I feel I've marked my card, with my mum, my kids, my friends, judgey pants on mumsnet, joke joke so if I were you I'd wait until HE has properly digested the set up of your life. Wait until he has introduced YOU to somebody important in HIS life. Test not just the strength of his feelings right this minute but test the duration of them too and also test his grasp of your reality.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: