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Not coming to the scan

(15 Posts)
mustbemad17 Thu 30-Nov-17 19:48:28

So after asking my ex if he was coming to our first scan - he knows I don't want to go alone - he said yeah he'd be there. No other contact from him since he fucked off at the weekend, then tonight he tells me he isn't coming to the scan but will 'support the baby'

My immediate response was 'you can go fuck yourself' - if he can't even make the effort during the pregnancy then how the hell do I trust that he will be there when baby is born??!

Why is it so easy for blokes to bolt & run when they don't want to adult any more? Complete & utter bastard

madwoman1ntheatt1c Thu 30-Nov-17 19:53:38

this is obviously a very new break up and you will both have a lot of thinking to do to work out how you can co-parent. how long were you together before you conceived? (as in, do you know him very well, ONS etc - having made the decision to continue with a pregnancy on your own, had you done that with an expectation of how much support you would get from him, or do you not know him well enough to be able to gauge that, and so are planning to parent alone?)

the safest thing is to plan to do it all on your own, and then follow up to formalize maintenance payments etc. it's hard, but unfortunately there is no real way to force him into active parenting.

mustbemad17 Thu 30-Nov-17 20:00:21

I thought I knew him. We were living together, everything seemed to be going really well. He has a great relationship with his other two (adult) kids, even spends time with the two kids of the woman he broke up with before me - he raised them for 7 years. Apparently all that is irrelevant because he refuses to even talk to me & now refuses to engage with the pregnancy. I guess you never really know anybody.

We planned this baby together. I expected his full support 😔 Not gunna get that now sadly. But I guess it is better I know this now than have him playing hobby dad when the baby is here. He can be the one to twist himself into knots if his conscience kicks in once baby is born

madwoman1ntheatt1c Thu 30-Nov-17 20:21:58

that's rough, especially as it was a planned pregnancy. still early days in the split though? no chance of reconciliation? has he maybe got cold feet about the idea of starting with a newborn again? (that's not excusing his behaviour at all - but it sounds as though he has had a complete about-face in a short space of time, so maybe a chance of another one?) Hard to see that as a reliable dad though.

Crumbs1 Thu 30-Nov-17 20:22:16

Not going to,scan doesn’t necessarily mean he won’t be a supportive father. My husband has only once been to a scan and that was with our last child who I fell pregnant with six weeks after a stillbirth.

I genuinely don’t understand the need for anyone to be there for routine scans. He’d have to miss work to sit and watch a blurry screen. If he’s got other children then there isn’t even first time excitement.

It is early days and clearly much anger/distress to be dealt with. The scan is very trivial by comparison.

mustbemad17 Thu 30-Nov-17 20:29:15

Crumbs he wouldn't be missing work he works shifts. I changed it deliberately so he could come. When you're in a solid relationship no, going to scans maybe isn't a big thing. When someone has walked out on you & a child he apparently saw as his own without a word? It kind of suggests that he actually cba. He knows how badly I got mucked around by my DD's dad & he knew from the get go that I expected him to be there for the first scan in case anything is picked up. This was before we even started trying for a baby, so it hasn't just been sprung on him.

As far as i'm concerned if he can't show interest during the pregnancy then i can't believe that he will be consistent when baby is here. I've done the whole jack in the box dad thing once, he knows how i feel about it. Apparently the baby isn't all that important in the grand scheme of things.

Mad i've told him he needs to have a good think about what he is expecting. If he decides he wants to be an involved dad then he bucks his ideas up; otherwise he walks aways totally.

Taylor22 Thu 30-Nov-17 20:35:35

I can understand your anger.
This isn't what you planned. This isn't what you asked for. And this isn't fucking fair or right.

However. He doesn't have to do anything for the next 6 or so months. He doesn't have to go to scans, appointments. Jack shit.
And I can understand that that is just another kick in the teeth.

What he does or doesn't do does not dictate or pave the way for the relationship he is entitled to with his child. And the relationship your child is entitled to with their father.
You can't say if you don't do XYZ just walk away.

Drop the rope. Expect nothing and then the most pathetic of efforts and a pleasant surprise.

Just send him emotionless basic updates and then inform him when the child is born. That leaves the ball in his court.

mustbemad17 Thu 30-Nov-17 20:43:13

I won't be sending him any updates. I've done all the running since he left - I haven't been angry towards him etc - attempted to organise getting his stuff to him including work keys he needs. He knows my stance. As far as i'm concerned he can do what he wants now; if he wants to know what's going on he can make the effort.

mustbemad17 Thu 30-Nov-17 21:00:54

I didn't tell him to go fuck himself, just realised that's what it looks like. My (very loud) reaction to his text was that but the message i responded was very calm - simply told him that he needed to make a decision about what he wants to do & he needs to do that before the baby arrives.

I'm an angry bitch right now but i'm not daft enough to send abuse over the phone 😬

Starlight2345 Thu 30-Nov-17 21:50:19

Firstly I will say you have every right to feel angry with him . Your plan for the happy family has been ripped from you .
However as hard as it is he has to do nothing before baby is born . It is not uncommon for men not to feel connected before baby is born .

No you don’t need to give him updates . He is a grown up and can ask if he wants to know .

Do focus on yourself , is there anyone else that can go to the scan with you .

mustbemad17 Thu 30-Nov-17 22:07:36

My complete frustration stems from the change of mind he has had in the last ten days.
'Can't wait for the scan'
'I'm leaving you, will support the pregnancy & the baby'
'Yes coming to the scan'
'Not coming to the scan will support the baby'

In the space of ten days 😬 Drives me absolutely crazy. The thing is I know he won't ask for updates, so it will then be up to me to tell him if anything happens,when baby is here etc. And my overwhelming response is fuck no, I'm not doing it.

Thankfully a friend is coming to the scan with me. I was told there was a problem with my DD at the first scan I had with her, so I'm ridiculously anxious; had he jacked off any other appointment I don't think I'd be half as angry tbh.

Starlight2345 Sat 02-Dec-17 09:27:41

Do you think there is another woman involved ? I wonder if someone else is pulling his strings ( not an excuse btw he is a grown man ).

As a partner he has been a complete arsehole . Knowing what you have been through and not been at the scan is heartless . I am glad your friend will be there .

I do stilll think skit partner doesn’t always equate to shit dad.
Hope all goes well at the scan

mustbemad17 Sat 02-Dec-17 09:32:24

Star that is my overwhelming feeling, I believe he has gone back to his ex. Altho that makes her just as bad because her DC's dad is a lousy SoB & if they are together she is enabling him to do the same.

I don't for one minute think shit partner = shit dad, I know that a crap relationship is a seperate issue to being a dad. My fury comes from the constant changing of the goal posts on his behalf; this baby was planned, he was (or appeared to be) excited. He went from being impatient about the scan & being really supportive of the pregnancy, to asking me if I was getting rid, to then telling me he would support the pregnancy & the baby 100%...now he has gone to 'i'll support the baby'

His interest has slowly but surely waned, & it's only been a week since he left. My experience last time is screaming at me that this is only going to get worse 😔

Starlight2345 Sat 02-Dec-17 20:46:28

My experience last time is screaming at me that this is only going to get worse 😔 To be honest generally I agree with you.

My DS was a very planned baby to the point we were going through fertility treatment , he spent most of the pregnancy feeling sorry for himself and was never interested in our DS..Took till he was 10 months old for me to have enough. Took till DS was 3 till any interest Faded completely.

I am of the opinion that sometimes with mums doing everything to make a relationship for there kids with dads it actually can be detrimental.. They don't have to put any effort in at all.

It is an appalling way to treat someone who is carrying your baby you planned together.

mustbemad17 Sun 03-Dec-17 09:17:29

With my DD my ex (not current ex) was in & out with the pregnancy, there for the birth, stayed over a lot to 'help' but just hindered. I got severe PND & he & his family basically used it as an excuse to criticise me despite not helping. Took six months for me to tell him to go to a contact centre & stay out of our home; he hasn't seen her since but still tries to pretend he is dad of the year on the odd occasion. He made my life hell.

My ex knows this, he knows how hard I found it. He used to get really angry if we ever discussed my DD's dad because you just don't treat people that way.

It's almost like i'm seeing two different people, two complete opposites. He never showed any inkling of being this person otherwise i'd have run a mile.

I think you're right, when we make all the effort they don't have to take responsibility. I've decided this time i'm not doing it, it will be down to him to get in touch with me.

I'm sorry you had such a shitty time too 😔

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