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Visitation rights for father

(11 Posts)
Lifewithliv18 Tue 21-Nov-17 15:04:17

I currently have a 13 week old daughter and I broke up with her father before I found out I was pregnant. I want him to be a part of her life, but he is still insistent that we will be together as a family one day despite me assuring him things are over. He has it in his head that he should have the right to see her every single day and I do let him see her at least 4 times a week, including his days off so that he can spend an entire day with her and still this does not seem good enough for him. His parents are also very pushy and see her every other weekend and it’s just getting suffocating. I feel as though I am stuck in a relationship with him as his family keep pushing for us to be together and his mum especially is very over bearing and would visit every weekend if I did not make excuses that I was not around. I don’t feel as though I get enough time with my own family or to see my friends, as he makes it seem like I should evolve my life around his demands. I wouldn’t mind him being around so much if he helped out but all he does is take her for 5 minutes maximum then give her back when he’s bored or she cries and then sits on his phone. He is also very lazy and disrespectful, for example he will leave the house in a mess and make food and not clean up after. Today he got annoyed that dd needed a nap because he had to leave for work in half an hour and wouldn’t get to see her anymore and because of this he purposefully made as much noise as he could stomping around the house before slamming the front door as he left, waking her. I just feel as though he is wearing me down because if I give him an inch he takes a mile and is always wanting more. He has always been spoilt growing up and still is and does not take responsibility for anything. He is very manipulative so makes me feel like I’m being crazy when I say how lucky he has it. I just don’t know how to set boundaries without him and his family taking me to court as that is something I know they would do if I did not keep them sweet. I just really need advice on how often I have to let him visit as having such a negative and unhelpful person around is really consuming me.

OP’s posts: |
Starlight2345 Tue 21-Nov-17 16:33:50

Th advice is little and often..Does he have set hours because I would be looking at formalising it

I assume he is having access at your house. I think you need to be clear this is access to your DD.. suggest a couple of hours and then leave him to it. Does she have a moses basket ? Bring that in leave him to it..Go have a bath, cook food , do your cleaning. Watch Tv in bedroom.. I also don't know why he is making food in your house..

Lifewithliv18 Tue 21-Nov-17 16:49:48

No set hours, just tends to be his day off all day, and either the morning or afternoon before or after his shifts a few times in the week so generally 3-4 hours on those days plus every other weekend either sat/sun. Only problem is I don’t feel comfortable leaving him with her alone as every time I have tried, she cries and cries as just gets stressed with her. Went to check on them once as she was screaming hysterically and he had just laid her on the sofa next to him to cry and was on his phone. He’s too lazy to get up early to prepare at home so stops by Tesco on his way to mine and makes his lunch for work here. Have had multiple arguments about it but he just makes me feel like im making a fuss over nothing. I want to try and arrange set days but his shifts and days off change every week so don’t really know how to manage a set routine?

OP’s posts: |
CupofFrothyCoffee Tue 21-Nov-17 17:46:32

I wouldn't like this tbh. He doesn't need to be sitting in your house all day on his days off, especially when he's not helping out. Work out what hours suit you and your DD best and let him know.

If he pops in before or after work, 1 hour max. As baby gets bigger he can take DD out by himself or overnights, let him know this is only short-term.

Lifewithliv18 Tue 21-Nov-17 18:04:14

I’ll give it a go with reducing times and see what he has to say. He defo won’t like it but I’m at the point where I need this for my sanity!

OP’s posts: |
Lifewithliv18 Tue 21-Nov-17 18:05:02

Thanks for all helpful responses!

OP’s posts: |
Phillipa12 Tue 21-Nov-17 20:15:45

As for his parents, any contact should be on his time, you really dont have to facilitate that if you dont want. Agree with others though, you need to formalise an agreement, he cannot sit around your house on his day off, all day, not acceptable at all!

Lifewithliv18 Tue 21-Nov-17 20:43:37

Only problem is that his parents are the ones who pay me child maintenance as he is useless with money so I feel like I have to keep them sweet in case they withhold it? I am definately going to try and have something set in stone though because at least I will be able to relax knowing exactly when and how long I have to put up with him for!

OP’s posts: |
Starlight2345 Wed 22-Nov-17 11:33:56

Does he work if so you could go through the cms but equally I would give them contact when ex is there

timelord92 Wed 22-Nov-17 12:16:11

There needs to be a better routine set in place for all your benefits. This can’t go on much longer. With his immature attitude it sounds like he is going round to see you rather than the baby. For now I’d come up with a routine that suits you but only for an hour or so at most. I wouldn’t let him keep coming round for a whole day especially when he doesn’t help. He needs to tell you his availability well in advance so that a routine can be developed.

The comment about leaving him alone for 5 mins and your daughter was crying and he was on his phone really alarmed me. I would not leave her with him alone. As you can’t leave her with him I’d go round to his possibly with his parents there and get everything done 3 evenings a week or something till she’s older. Tell your ex that you’ll reconsider once he can show that he can be responsible.

He can only continue his unreasonable behavior as long as you let him. All this seems to revolve around him but what about you?

As for his parents paying child maintenance you shouldn’t be held to ransom for that. It should really be him paying anyway. I’d work out a budget without the child maintenance to see if you can cope without it. Then if and when its used against you, you can call their bluff.

mustbemad17 Wed 22-Nov-17 12:22:12

First off i'd stop him having contact at your house. He is clearly treating it like a bit of a hotel!!
I'd also formalise the visit days; set it out very clearly & tell him you will not drop your plans for him or his family outside the visit days.

Sounds like my ex & his family; ex MiL would threaten to have SW come & take my daughter if I didn't pander to what she wanted (she was a foster carer so 'knew' lots of SW). It gets very wearing very quickly & it does nothing for your daughter.

If anything is going to change i'm afraid you need to put your foot down.

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