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Help wanted , not judgement I already judge myself

(9 Posts)
Namechangeasbad Sat 11-Nov-17 23:54:34

So name changed
Simply because I am ashamed
Long term user at times / lurker . Have seen amazing advice given by amazing people on here ..finally found courage to ask myself so please could you be gentle as coping again just .

It's long
I am sorry
But drip feed won't help
I am grateful for any advice

I have lovely Ds 11
Divorced his dad 7 years ago after long relationship then marriage . Abusive husband who I concede had a difficult upbringing I feel is much responsible . Old news , survived , moved on . X husband high earner and received substantial monthly maintenaince ordered by courts . ( certainly not offered by xdh )

Ds went to his dad 2 weekends a month
Maintenaince covered mortgage and basic living

Ds has asd diagnosis , I couldn't return to former employment as a result of my injury sustained from domestic violence .

I retrained and now work part time, this paid for extra like school trips and Ds therapy .

Ex dh finally found a way to get out of maintenaince payments September 2016
He left his well paid city job to start up own business . He manages private wealth so adverse with legal loopholes . On paper his company running at at a loss although he pays 6 employees . I have struggled to pay a solicitor and forensic accountant . Both have said this is clearly what he has done but difficult to prove . He has only paid a lowly fraction of maintenaince since then .
I had to remortge and rack up credit card debt . Every time we are due to appear in family court he gets away with non appearance or a loophole.

Ex dh met a new partner
Lovely woman
Bit weird for me initially but she was and is such a lovely person and such a great step mum I became fond of her
My sons baby half brother came along and my Ds adores him .lovel baby . You couldn't not want to protect him trust me
The relationship broke down when xdh became abusive towards her
She has since left him, and after a period of staying with us ( a pleasure actually ) she has returned to her home country and her families help .
Ds heartbroken .
Because of Ds witnessing his dad abuse of his "step mum " .. verbal and physical he rebelled at school ,bullied another child and was ultimately suspended .
School were exceptionally supportive as were local education authority son saw cahms for months . Back to his former happy , lovely self but steadfastedly refuses to see his father

I Met now ex partner of 5 years
Devastating breakup for me emotionally , over last Xmas Dec 2016 at same time Ds going through it
Haven't seen his children I was close to since . It's taken me 11 months to start to heal .
Breakup mostly due to his ex wife's actions . She accused me of sexually grooming his children , behaved appallingly towards my son, and made an allegation of benefit fraud against me . Which is still under investigation .i also suffered a late miscarriage . She refused to hand over children before several planned weekends and holidays distressing them. I broke up with xdh as I couldn't cope with his lack of support over above . Attempts I made to wave olive branches at her failed .
In his defence the poor guy was always torn between appeasing her and I . So destructive for all 4 children I felt I had to walk .
It was heartbreaking .

2 months later I was involved in a serious driving accident
I broke my neck and was hospitalised for weeks .
It wasn't great but my amazing family and friends rallied round to care for my Ds
After seeing such tragedy on a spinal unit I left feeling incredibly lucky

June 2017 this year ex partners ex wives allegations caught up with me
Received court summons
Pleaded not guilty at advice of lawyer
Got legal aid due to income
Case adjourned for trial next spring

Ok so here's the shamefulness
And I am ashamed of myself

I couldn't cope
I fell apart up to eyeballs in debt
Lent money and supported by amazing friends and family
Felt abandoned by ex partner
Begged for his support and didn't get
Felt like piece of scum in court

Became depressed
Deeply depressed
Couldn't leave house
Felt so ashamed
As far as I can see I filled a form out incorrectly .lawyer concurs
It's 7k
My family offered to repay for me
My mind was elsewhere so much and it was far from intentional
I am extremely sorry
But would never intentionally do this .

Then I am so deeply ashamed to say I begun drinking
Never had a drink problem in my life
Always been very health and conscience , calorie conscience . Former model , then a single mother always aware because of my sons health issues I could need to drive him to a&he in night

I august I was drinking a bottle or 2 a day
Then the unthinkable happened
I drove to the end of my road one evening to buy milk for morning
There's a pub en route
Got pulled over at random
Failed standard breathe test by 3 points ( its 40 I was 43 )
Arrested , put in cell , felt suicidal and alone .

I have stoped drinking Now
Been going to aa
Borrowed 6k from friends to pay solicitior to help me
Trying to take back control my life
Horrified and ashamed I could have hurt somebody having endured this myself .

Need my drivers license
Am self employed
My income is all we have
Have to drive Ds to school

I know I am not a refugee
Not living in a war zone
There are so many people worse off
I am alive and healthy
Have amazing family and friends
And most importantly my son

But I am struggling
Any advice on maintenaince
Benefit case
Drink driving
Life with a criminal record .

So much appreciated
I have been close to suicide at times

Somerville Sun 12-Nov-17 00:10:05

Don't know if this helps, but from your title/username/initial few paragraphs I expected your eventual 'confession' to be much worse. Like, that someone had actually been hurt by your actions. And they haven't, right... except for you hurting yourself with the booze and self-loathing?

Sorry I have no pertinent advice on the issues at hand - not my field.

But I suspect that freedom programme might be helpful?
And bumping for you.

And a little reminder in the meantime - I've been at rock bottom. Keeping on keeping on long enough resulted in life getting very much better. I believe it can for anyone. Including you. flowers

Namechangeasbad Sun 12-Nov-17 00:16:29

Just got some tears
Flowers back

allthatshewantsisanotherbaby Sun 12-Nov-17 00:24:07

Sending love namechangeasbad and agree with Somerville. I was expecting something awful. I was expecting to really be hanging in the balance by the end of the thread about your moral compass.

Didn't happen.

I have friends like you - people who turn on themselves in times of trouble. Would not want to cause harm to others intentionally, and even in the darkest hours, they don't.

I wish I had some practical advice, I'm sure someone would be along to give it.

Please show yourself some love

Somerville Sun 12-Nov-17 00:28:32

No problem.

Remember the Samaritans are always there. Also Women's Aid and their Freedom programme.

You did so well leaving your ex husband after the DV. Thats been much better for your son, long term.
But being a lone parent is tough enough without added trauma from DV, and child with SN, and bastarding XH who wriggled out of paying maintenance. And then the newer stresses of seeing another woman and child suffer abuse at his hands, the new relationship and heartbreak, miscarriage, and breaking your neck.

Some people wouldn't still be standing. Lots would no way have the time or energy to bother caring about son's stepmother or his half sibling, or later boyfriend's children like you clearly do.

I think one day you will look back and feel rather proud of yourself. And all that you can do to get between where you are now, and then, is take it a day at a time. Sometimes even an hour or minute at a time.
And don't feel ashamed for leaning on support of your friends and family. You've offered other people support before, and will again. Your turn to accept help, right now.

elfycat Sun 12-Nov-17 00:30:30


I have no advice except to take each day as it comes. One problem at a time. Break things down into a bitesized chunk and deal with each bit.

Drink driving isn't great, but you're not the first and won't be the last. You've accepted responsibility for that mistake and luckily no one, including you, got hurt.

I'll not throw the first stone. I've never driven under the influence, but I've made mistakes, and poor judgement and I are old friends.

The loss of your licence will be a real problem, especially if your current job depends on it. Speak with your employer and see if there's anything to be done. You may need to seek other employment, but you will find a way through this, the main thing you need to do is look after yourself.

Have you spoken with your GP? You sound stressed/depressed and they should be able to help support you.

CardsforKittens Sun 12-Nov-17 00:32:18

Shame is toxic. And you don't deserve it. Yes, you made mistakes - we all do. But you're taking steps to put things right. Not everyone manages that, so you're doing really well. Give yourself credit for that. Leave the past on the past, as much as you can, and focus on now.

For debt, go to Stepchange.
You're already going to AA. Good for you; keep it up. When the time comes, be ready to be a sponsor.
It sounds like you have some good friends; nurture those relationships because they will keep you sane.

I don't know if it helps you (maybe a bit trite) but it helps me: the saying 'when you're going through hell, keep going'...

I don't have a criminal record myself, but have friends with records and turning one's life around (with evidence of that) makes a significant difference e.g. for employment.


HydrangeaRanger Sun 12-Nov-17 17:39:51

I'm so sorry to hear all of this, but I believe you are bigger and can rise above. This video by Brene Brown on confronting shame has helped me (she is very academically credible) - perhaps give it a watch?

Ausparent Sun 12-Nov-17 17:54:46

Like the others, I was expecting a far worse confession at the end. I know that dd is absolutely wrong but you were blessed for nobody to be hurt, you have been punished according to the law and you have taken steps to ensure it won't happen again.

On the benefit case I really think you have to let it go. It is morally outrageous but legally ok for him to do this. You are really unlikely to get anywhere and spending your valuable resources on fighting it will make your position harder.

Take it one day at a time, keep going to meetings and focus on today.

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