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How many chances for broken contact arrangements?

(11 Posts)
niceupthedance Sat 11-Nov-17 09:53:11

DS (7) dad has recently (since csa put an attachment of earnings on his wages in August) started cancelling his EOW arrangement citing illness or work things. His mum is terminally ill and some weekends have been missed as she has been too poorly to have him at her house. DS' dad takes him to hers for contact.

But as cancelling is last minute it is upsetting for DS, and his nan who has got his favourite food in etc.

How many broken arrangements would you accept before you stopped making arrangements?

AtSea1979 Sat 11-Nov-17 09:56:55

Why would you stop. Surely some contact is better than none. What is the contingency plan for when MIL dies? I assume there's a reason he can't have contact at his own house?

Justbookedasummmerholiday Sat 11-Nov-17 09:59:07

AtSea shoddy parenting is damaging to a dc.
Can you perhaps arrange a phone call to the dgm for your ds?
Let her know he is thinking about her even if df is an arse.

megletthesecond Sat 11-Nov-17 10:04:37

FWIW I gave my XP around 5 months of mucking us around before I put my foot down (he hasn't seen them in 8yrs now). But in your case I think you have to bear in mind his mum is ill and give it a lot longer. Both times I've had a close relative be terminally ill it's taken up a lot of time and emotional energy. I've had to carry on as a lp but can understand people who let lots of responsibilities drop.

Is your XP sole carer for his mum at weekends?

niceupthedance Sat 11-Nov-17 10:09:16

To be clear I am more than happy to take DS to visit his nan for the day and have spoken to her today about Xmas plans etc.

Ex tells me he can't make it as he is looking after her but she says she hasn't seen him for five weeks either.

He can't (won't) have him on his own as he's lazy and won't cook or entertain him hence going to his mums and plonking him in front of tv for the weekend. He's never taken him out anywhere.

I do live now with my partner and DS has started saying he'd rather stay at home - however I want him to continue to see his DF and nan until he can legitimately make that decision. I'm just not sure how long I can go on telling him he will see his dad then when the time comes he doesn't sad

Louw12345 Sat 11-Nov-17 10:41:16

If your child wants to stay at home let him. You take him to nans etc.
IGNORE the behaviour from dad, I made myself I'll for a year trying to make my ex understand the kids need a dad. Taking on their pain crying with them being angry it was horrible.
Then I gave up told the kids to ring him and his them himself. So many time he wouldn't turn up. When I finally did I asked him not to have his new gf around the kids as he hasn't seen them for so long but he didn't listen and that is when I stopped contact.
He hated it but from what I could see he clearly did not care about our kids.
After afew months we went to mediation.

Now he thinks he's an amazing dad but my older 2 don't they are still hurt and don't trust him but see him coz the others do

Love51 Sat 11-Nov-17 10:47:55

Could you just not tell Dad he is due to see Dad until dad turns up? That way ds won't be disappointed. It isn't a perfect solution as you will still know your ex is being crap, but it may save D's from feeling let down.

AtSea1979 Sat 11-Nov-17 10:53:16

booked I know only to well how damaging shoddy parenting can be. However at the time I wrote it, I was under the impression his mother was terminally ill and he was struggling. Now the drip feed is he hasn't seen her for 5 weeks so that changes things.
OP just don't tell your DS he will be seeing him. Make your own plans and XDP will have to make more of an effort if he wants to see his son. Obviously, continue to take him to see MIL weekly regardless.

niceupthedance Sat 11-Nov-17 11:45:58

Will do.

Thanks for the words of advice, sorry others have shit parenting contributions as well.

Starlight2345 Sat 11-Nov-17 11:48:38

I think the Terminally ill mum is a bit of a game changer here

I would not mention to DS about contact before hand.
Ask Ex if he can give you more notice.

Do make a list of cancelled dates and reasons why.

Does your DS know his Nan is ill. I would also be preparing him. When my best friend was terminally ill ( DS was 5 )I did let him know she was very poorly so it wasn't out of the blue.

niceupthedance Sat 11-Nov-17 12:02:08

Yes he asked me why his nan was always coughing (she has stage 4 lung cancer but is doing ok as over a year since diagnosis and receiving good treatment) and I told DS that she wasn't ever going to get better and at some point she will die. He's very matter of fact about it at the moment.

I'm not discounting the effect of his mums illness on DS's dad however his mum has said it is her last wish that they see each other regularly. I'm under no illusion that when she dies, he'll be off. But how I prepare DS for that I'm not sure... just stop mentioning him??

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