Have I made a huge mistake(36 Posts)
Some opinions on my current situation would really help me out, so thanks in advance
Been seeing a chap for about 5 months.
We live around an hour apart. We have been seeing each other most weekends and usually an evening in the week too.
I really do like him, and was so surprised that someone like him would be interested in me, a single parent and all. He's very successful, intelligent, we share similar views and values and we have an absolute blast when we're together.
However, I've just finished things because of the distance. I have a 4 y/o DD who has just started school. He has recently bought a house which he is renovating and is his absolute pride and joy. This isn't a run of the mill renovation, its a beautiful old house and he is spending an absolute fortune restoring it.
So we both have reasons for staying where we are and as a result I just don't think the relationship could go anywhere.
My DD sees dad eow and for dinner once a week. She's just started school and made friends, has grand parents, cousins and extended family who are all within a mile or 2 of where we are now. My absolute priority is DD and I just couldn't consider moving her away from all that she knows and needs.
Also, moving would mean looking for a new job for me, I also would not know anyone and lose my support network. But I guess things would improve in time?
We were nowhere near having the 'moving in together' conversation but looking forward I just felt like I didn't want to keep going and getting more invested in the relationship if it just can't go to the next level.
BUT, I am absolutely devastated. Have I done the right thing??
I really don't think I'll meet anyone quite like him again, or at least that would be interested in me.
I feel almost bereft. Its fucking horrible.
Someone tell me I've done the right thing please. Its taking every fibre of my being not to message him and say I've changed my mind.
I have been thinking about your post for a bit, and tbh I think you've made a mistake. Finding a man like that, especially as a single mum, is quite special when it feels truly right.
Practical difficulties have a way of working themselves out in the long run if it's important to both of you to make it work. Love and a good man are hard to find. I'd give it more time and speak frankly about the challenges.
I'm sorry if this wasn't the answer you wanted to hear.
Another consideration was possibly having another child. He hasn't really said one way or another if he wanted children (undecided) he currently doesn't have any, I'm 37 and aware of my dwindling fertility. If this went on and we still didn't manage to pull our lives together I'm afraid I'd lose my opportunity
I'm sorry if I've upset you.
I'm at a real keyboard and off my Kindle so I can be a bit more expansive now..
Re your fertility, the only way I can see the picture improving is if you met a man who was ready to have a child with you right off the bat, which is unlikely. You've at least started to build a relationship with this one. I'm not sure where you'd find a better opportunity. Does he know you'd like another child?
I was 36 when I met DH. We also lived an hour apart. Neither of us had kids, but there were other challenges. We were both divorced. We married two years later and I had my kids at 39 and 41. I waited until the last minute and while it was an unfortunate way to do it, it worked out fine. He's a gem and we've been happily married for 20 years. The kids came out brilliantly - the older is off to uni next year and his sister has a very bright future.
If you moved, it's not like you'd be going to Australia or Oklahoma. You'd still have access to family. And the best thing you can do for DD is to have a really good man in your life who loves you and her.
Be not afraid. She who dares, wins.
No, you haven't upset me at all, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply
I've been having s long and hard think about the relationship as a whole and there were things that weren't quite right that ive been glossing over because I wanted it to work so badly.
In reality he wasn't the most attentive person and would sometimes go days without contacting me, often after a night together which would make me feel used.
We spent the evening together last week and literally 5 minutes after the 'event' he had his coat on ready to go home because it 'was late'.
And the way he has just accepted its over without much of a fight has made me question whether he was really involved or not.
Looking back to when I was a single dm and in a ldr I didn't value it enough and let him slip biggest regret.
I don't think you made a mistake.
Mainly, because I don't think the feeling is mutual. If he felt you were as special as you feel he is... well, it's a house. Not a child. Isn't it? So his priorities were his restoration project. Not a future family of you and your daughter.
"And the best thing you can do for DD is to have a really good man in your life who loves you and her."
This really is not the best thing you can do for your daughter as her mother. Not even in the top 10 list.
Yeah the house thing is a biggie isn't it?
It truly is his absolute pride and joy and it would take something very special to pull him away from it. I guess I wasn't special enough in the end.
Well hang on, did he say he would never leave his house? You are 5 months in did that conversation even happen in a realistic way?
Disagree with poster that says you need a man 🙄 But agree that overthinking this at such an early stage and ending something that was making you both happy over a future plan that may or may not happen was a mistake.
I agree Shifty. Also, this is a child who has a dad who she sees regularly. The OP would be prioritising her relationship over her DD’s one with her father if she moved and that’s wrong.
I think you’ve done the right thing - you want different things
Well, I haven't outright asked him if he would consider moving because it seemed all a bit premature to ask so bluntly.
But when I said: "I'm where I am, you're where you are and we both have our reasons for staying and it's not likely to change in the future" he agreed.
I think at 5 months in, if he's not attentive and wanting to get away because it's late then it's not really going anywhere.
I think you're right. It just fucking hurts to realise it didn't mean as much to him.
It took an incredible amount of strength for me to even get back into dating again.
I'm absolutely gutted.
I think you made the right choice but only because there was stuff that wasn't great that you were glossing over as you say.
You are special and you deserve someone who makes you feel like you are, and who doesn't leg it out the door as soon as they've had sex with you.
You obviously felt it wasn't right enough for you to ditch him. It's always painful ending something and it's never going to feel nice. But I think you made the right choice
If you date a man with no kids and you reach the moving stage I would expect the first consideration to be them moving not you.
Try and see it as a positive experience. It got you dating again. You had fun but ultimately realised what is important to you and what matters in a relastoonship. You recognised he didn't make you feel great and got out.
Next time you meet someone you will know what you are looking for and what you aren't.
Also, it seems like you think he was too good for you and that you should almost feel grateful as you are a single parent.
Bollocks to that! You sound lovely and switched on and being a single parent doesn't make you are less worthy or love than anyone else.
Thank you Pam you are so lovely to say that. You've made me all teary -but in a nice way!
In all honesty I really do feel like he was too good for me. Ridiculously successful, driven, funny, articulate and intelligent.
I come with added complications (hate the word baggage) and couldn't quite believe he would look twice at me.
I'm a bit younger than him which might be part of what his interest was, I'm not sure..
I also agree that he didn't seem to be making enough effort - not a good sign at only 5 months. Sounds like you have a great support system where you are. You shouldn't be the only one taking risks and making sacrifices.
You just remember all the lovely things when its over though, don't you?
I need to keep reminding myself of what wasn't so great. That's the hard bit when you're stuck in by yourself on a Saturday night!
The thing I find is as a lp with no support or Dad involved I would need to find mr right due to Ds however due to past I would rather meet mr right now.. I don’t think this guy sounds right for you .
I know, I've written a list of all the things that weren't right, but I'm still finding myself desperate to message him.
What's wrong with me?!
I would also be asking you why he hasn't bothered to contact you?
Presumably because he was never that bothered??
Why am I so bothered?! God, I'm boring myself with my neediness
It sounds like you've done the right thing to me. If 5 months in somebody was more interested in diy than me, I'd tell them to do one! I know it's difficult though.
In contrast, dh and I lived an hour apart and both travelled a lot for work. He moved to be with me within 6 months (when I was 36 and told him outright that I wanted marriage and babies, and wouldn't hang around if he didn't). If it's right, then you do what you have to. It sounds like this guy is a lot better on paper than in reality, and you deserve better than this.
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