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New lone parent while pregnant and with a 3 year old

(12 Posts)
Virgo88 Fri 27-Oct-17 23:12:08

I'm feeling so lost right now and hoping to get some advice.

I currently have a DD who is 3 years old and 6 months pregnant with my 2nd. Everything was great until a month ago when my husband came back from a guys holiday and began acting distant and strange. Long story short it came to light last night that he met someone while he was away and now says he wants to leave us. I am completely distraught. My 3 year old adores him and I don't know how to help get her through this at time where she's already going to experience such a huge change with the baby.

He seems to be so cold about the full thing and not at all bothered by what he is giving up and tonight has supposedly went out with his friends leaving me in tears. I feel like such a fool because he has done something like this before a few years ago and I took him back like an idiot.

I'm entering panic mode wondering how I am going to cope with my 2 girls on my own. I don't have a great family or friend support network due to taking him back last time and now I just feel so alone and actually humiliated by the full thing but I want to be strong for them and make sure I give them the best life I possibly can.

Any advice or guidance on how to get through this would be great.

73Marie Fri 27-Oct-17 23:44:54

Oh that sounds awful....but you will be ok tho. It's bad right now...but it won't always hurt like this..you can and will survive this. Your children will be fine because you clearly love them. That's all children need...love.
Best bit of advice I can offer is to start thinking about you and the kids...and forget about him. He's not your problem now. Contact family and friends that you have and tell them. Ask for help. Put you and yours first. Be kind to yourself.
Sending hug x

NancyPiecrust Sat 28-Oct-17 01:13:27

Sending a huge hug !! I know it must be SO hard and feel awful right now, with the vulnerability of being pregnant, having to help your DD through this, and the shame of having taken him back before only for it to happen again. I know you think you don't have a good support network but I think they may surprise you if you need them...? You are pregnant after all and there will be a new baby.. Stick to it this time and NEVER let him back into your life to mess you and your children around. How dare he take his family for granted and trade it all in for a "pretty girl" he met whilst away. Cannot even believe he went on a lads holiday..who does that past the age of 24? Apart from maybe a nice wholesome fishing or cycling trip where you wouldn't be going out on the pull!!
I really feel for you and I'm so sorry but you really are better off....it will be hard but you deserve to find someone who will appreciate you and the family you have created ...or better to be on your own for a bit and focus on the kids !! Good luck xxx

Whoknows11 Sat 28-Oct-17 05:44:53

I’ve been there and come out the other side 2.5 years on! My ex left when I was 7 months pregnant with our 2nd son. My eldest (6) still idolises his father but knows he’s unreliable etc but he’s just accepts it and moves on.
I’ve provided them both the stable, warm, loving home that they are both thriving and are very happy, well rounded boys. In the early days I wasn’t sure how I’d cope but I did as I had no choice. It’s amazing how strong you become when you’re put in these circumstances.
I was worried initially how my eldest would cope with his father leaving, with the arrival of his brother and starting school. But he’s done just fine and I think that’s down to me and how I managed to pull myself together and focus on me and my boys rather than dwell too much in my ex and the ow.

I also took up running 6 months after I had my son and it enabled me some me time, head space and a way of escaping.

Be kind to yourself, cry when you need to, don’t shy away from your daughter seeing you upset, children need to know life isn’t rosey 100% of the time. My son is so empathetic for his age and I realise I’ve taught him it’s ok not to be ok at times.

Also accept help and ask for it when you need it. Hopefully your family will realise you need them and put aside what’s happened in the past x

Starlight2345 Sat 28-Oct-17 11:06:02

I would agree with the pp who said think about your children and yourself . It is time to get very selfish . Get everything you can financially from him. You won’t feel like it now but in time it will make life easier . Your kids will adapt they are far more adaptable than us . Accept any offers of help . Take things one hour at a time if you need to . Small children are a great distraction and rest when you can . It will get easier but don’t feel a fool for trying to make it work . flowers

Virgo88 Sat 28-Oct-17 21:16:54

Thank you so much everyone for your replies, I really appreciate it so much.

I feel like I'm still in shock by what's actually happening and have found myself thinking and worrying about everything that's going to change. I know you are all right though and I need to take it one day at a time.

My little girl was asking all day where her daddy was and it broke my heart but then she would smile and make me laugh and at times I actually forgot what's happening so I am clinging to that hoping we can get each other through it xxx

NancyPiecrust Sat 28-Oct-17 22:37:14

Virgo - well done you're doing so well, just keep being strong for your DD - you have to. Don't think about HIM - think about your children and that they need a strong, calm, confident Mama to lead them and protect them. This is bigger than his selfishness - don't let his stupidity mean their Mama gets ruined for them as well - don't let it break you.
I have been there...seeing your child missing the family they just had a few days, weeks, months ago and not able to understand why everything is different - seeing your ex with your child and having a pang of "Why can't we have this?" and longing for it again...being out in a park on a Saturday and there being fricking happy families everywhere and happy couples with their new baby or pregnant and all idyllic...don't let it make you sad, feel like a victim or bitter...or jealous of others. It will only hurt you and your kids, no one else.
Make it your mission to rise above & heal from it - rise a Phoenix from the ashes into a stronger version of yourself - even if this means you have to drop your DD at nursery and go to the nearest forest and scream at the top of your lungs to get all the anger, sadness and disappointment out ! Get it out ! Don't let it eat you inside or convince you to wallow or feel sorry for yourself and therefore give HIM all the power. And give his actions the power to ruin the next few years for you and your children. They need their Mama to be present, to face this new (heartbreaking, but not life ending) challenge head on with positivity, grace and strength instead of succumbing to all that negative "poor me" mindset...and only seeing what you're missing out on everywhere ...convincing yourself that you've lost something amazing and you should be a family - it's an illusion, you've lost nothing.
You've gained your freedom from someone who didn't value you or your children or the commitment you made together or the life you made together. This person is NOTHING to you. He adds no value to your life. He is the one who has lost EVERYTHING. His choice. His regret. Don't feel sorry for him when he comes to you in 6 months with a victim story and an apology...don't let that man back into your life.
Onwards and upwards to better things. Yes it will be exhausting but just draw on every kind of friend or family member or way of supporting yourself that you can - ask, ask, ask and talk and tell people what you need so they can help you. Treat yourself as kindly as you will treat your newborn baby and with as much patience and care and understanding. You can do this !!!! Whenever you doubt yourself, read back this thread. And get back into that warrior woman mindset. Somehow you will find the strength after the shock has subsided and you've gone through the grieving. But don't stay stuck there too long & let him take the next few years of your life. That is what happened to me, and I will never get those years back. Those precious years of babyhood with my daughter where I wasn't fully present and I was always sad about HIM or worrying about what he was going to do, or feeling like I'd lost something or was missing something. Guess what...nothing in my situation has changed ... I am still a single Mum, I have not managed to meet anyone, but I have finally prioritised MYself and MY relationship with my daughter, not HIM and not identifying with that victim "poor me" hard done by mindset...I realised that I am enough on my own, for her. We are enough just me and her. We are a proper family, together.
I realised that I am the lucky one, to be away from him and have a fresh start. I feel finally confident and able to move on with my life & like there are so many opportunities for me to be happy, I just need to focus on those, and not on what's hard in my life. And suddenly with just that mindset shift - not identifying with the victim or the drama - limiting contact with him, and nothing else changing, suddenly I feel new possibilities open up in my life and loads of good things seem to be happening right now. The fresh start and opportunity for happiness is always available to you. You're the lucky one. flowers

Whoknows11 Sun 29-Oct-17 07:02:51

Nancy - great words of wisdom.

I remember a Sainsbury’s check out lady asking me when I was due to give birth and that quickly followed by ‘you must be so excited?’. That’s when I realised I wasn’t excited to have my second baby, I was so scared and worried at how I’d cope with it all in my own. The last 2 months of my pregancy was awful. I couldn’t focus on my unborn baby as I was so distraught at being left and grieving the ‘perfect’ family I thought I’d had. The stress I was under put my baby at risk and my utterly selfish ex was unaware of any of it.
The day he was born was 1 of 2 happiest days of my life. I was so relieved he was ok and healthy it gave me a new purpose to keep going and get stronger for both my boys. To which I’ve done.

No doubt your pregnancy will be in the back of your mind at the mo with all your emotions. I had days where I’d practically forgotten I was pregnant as I could barely function for myself let alone my son and my unborn baby. You’ll get there as you have no choice and you’ll look back and be super proud at how you coped.

My ex tried to sew the seeds to come back but I knew I couldn’t do it to myself or my boys. We are worth more than that. No doubt he’ll regret his decision and thought of the grass being greener but it never is. He’s quickly gone and had another baby with the ow and I feel she’s trapped him to which there is my karma.

Unfortunately I bump into her regularly and I do believe I need to attend some counselling as my feelings towards her are of hate. I’m guessing if I didn’t see her then I wouldn’t feel that way but seeing her smug face with her ‘perfect’ family makes me feel sick. I don’t envy her though and to look at physically she’s trailer trash in my eyes - fake (saggy) boobs and awful veneers. She’s the same age as me but isn’t aging well!

I try not to think about her or them and get on with our own lives. I’m happy in myself and proud of what I’ve achieved and continue to achieve. I feel you should always be happy with what you have and people in green houses shouldn’t throw stones.

Hoping you are feeling strong if not yet you soon will do x

Virgo88 Sun 29-Oct-17 19:43:48

Thank you all so much for everything you have taken the time to post. It does help to hear that there are others who have come out the other side and I know everything use are saying is right.

I can't get out of my head the family both my girls will miss out on and the thought of what he has done and will continue to do makes me sick to my stomach. I wish I could just block it out.

I've still not being able to stomach telling the few people I have left in my life. I'm just so embarrassed and upset by it all. I know I need to tell them soon, I guess I'm just scared at how much more real it makes it when I do xxx

Starlight2345 Sun 29-Oct-17 19:48:43

Do talk to them . We can support you on here but there is something more supportive from Rl friends as your friends they will want to help not judge

Virgo88 Sun 05-Nov-17 11:21:34

Hi again everyone. I just wanted to post an update to thank you all again. Being able to come back and read your words of support has been a great help these past few days.

I took your advice and spoke to some of my friends and family who have really been amazing and it's made a difference so thank you for encouraging me to do so. I now have my birthing partners sorted and have lots of great days out lined up for me and my daughter before the baby arrives so I'm starting to feel more like the world hasn't ended.

He is portraying himself to everyone as some sort of stand up Dad because he's found somewhere to live and will agree to whatever terms I want for him to see his daughters which ends up angering me more but I'm trying not to let it get to me. He isn't so stand up when it comes to providing for them but he seems to miss that part out to anyone that will listen.

I know we will be better off in the long run without him so I just need to remind myself of that every day and night.

Thanks again xxx

Starlight2345 Sun 05-Nov-17 11:42:16

Don’t worry what crap he feeds others . I am yet to meet anyone who says I split with my partner as I was a cheating arsole who don’t deserve any sympathy . I also don’t pay my partner even the legal minimum . Go to cams for maintenance if he isn’t paying . You sound like you are doing really well . Glad you have reached out

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