This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Ex doesn't want DD to take her transitional object fave teddy to his(2 Posts)
Just had an unnecessarily irritating handover with abusive, NPD controlling ex-partner - DD's Dad.
She is only just 3 and has a favourite teddy that she always sleeps with and asks for in the night if she can't find him. Recently her Dad has been just taking him out of her hand and giving him back to me saying "We don't need this. I've got plenty of teddies at mine. Just one more thing to forget to bring back" (He's got this weird thing about the "special teddies" at his house - one of which was a childhood teddy that his Mum (also controlling, NPD, obsessive about DD) always plays with DD with & one rare antique one which he bought off the internet for £80 for her....
He only took one small bag with him with her waterproofs and hat in, and a zip up bag with her hair bobbles & hairbrush in...that's all he has to remember, plus the special teddy.
I know it's not really about him or her having to "remember" to bring the teddy back, this has happened many times. Always a small power struggle about the teddy every time that he sees she's clutching him and has chosen/asked to bring him with her. He then has the most annoyed face on when he hands the teddy to me as if he's sneering/seething with annoyance. She then cries and reaches for the teddy as he's literally just almost snatched it out of her hand without even asking her ....She says she wants the teddy & I say "She wants to take him" and his response: "Well, in future, distract her from it. She doesn't need it". I said "No, it's a transitional object. She wants to take him."
So then she sees us having mildly passive aggressive crossed words about her beloved teddy. WHY?! Why can't it just be simple & why can't he consider what SHE wants. She's there in the middle probably feeling guilty about wanting to take the teddy. And powerless when he just takes it off her (for no reason other than his own ego). What is my option to avoid the drama? Take the teddy and go "Ok." walk away. And she sees her Dad just commanding me what to do, overriding what she wants & what message does that send to her? I feel I have to stand up for what she wants, I've always taught her that it's not ok to snatch teddies out of other children's hands at playgroup but then her Dad does it to her? ????!! I try and teach her that we must respect others wishes etc. But he doesn't respect what she wants. Granted a 3 year old can't always get what she wants and I say no to her plenty eg. sweets, too much TV. But...this is harmless and a source of comfort for her.
It's like he's trying to deprive her of the one thing that reminds her of home, and her Mum when having overnights ? It's clearly not about HER but about him..and him trying to have ONE thing to control because I've shut down all other avenues of control that he's become used to using to manipulate me, upset me, undermine me etc.
I would never think about persuading her to not take a favorite teddy or something she is so attached to. There's no harm in it. It's not like he thinks she's too young to be attached to a teddy & wants to wean her off it, it's because he want her to be attached to HIS special teddy that he bought her. And resents her attachment to the one from my house.
She even likes to take this teddy to nursery sometimes...he stays in her bag on her peg the whole time I'm pretty sure but she likes the fact that he's there and has come with her. I feel annoyed that he'd even want to take that comfort away from her, just so he didn't have to entertain the "special teddy from Mummy's that reminds me of her".
ARRGGGG. It has really annoyed me and just wanted to rant and see if anyone knows how I should handle it. He's being very petty and selfish in my eyes & you could see how he loved telling me to take it back & seeing me squirm when I tried to "fight her corner" and say she should take him. And how annoyed he was when he gave it back to her, with a horrible fake smile on his face barely concealing his contempt for me - and the fact that I'm a free person from him now and he can't control my life anymore.
I am also annoyed that he had to make some little tiny drama in whatever way he could in the handover when all he had to do was take the bag, take her, and leave.
he is an arse.
however, you have to think what is best for her.
if he is always going to snatch teddy out of her hands and hand it back it might be worth leaving teddy at home with you. you need to set this up well for dd though.
you probably should tell her that dad will not look after special teddy very well as he has lots of other teddies to look after, and that teddy should stay at home. you could get her to set up teddy in bed ready for when she gets back, perhaps with a special blanket/pretend drink/snack etc.
maybe teddy could wear a special bobble all week and she wear it to dad's so she takes abit of teddy with her.
you need to make this better for her as he is completely unable to, as he is not having her interests to the fore.
Please login first.