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My ex is ruining my life

(21 Posts)
dazedandconfuse Fri 27-Oct-17 12:00:42

I'm 16 weeks pregnant with my ex boyfriends baby and he is completely infuriated that I'm keeping it, wants nothing to do with the child etc. I never once forced him to be involved with the pregnancy I haven't tried to change his mind or anything like that

The other day he wished me luck with the pregnancy and I thought that was the end of it. I planned on no more contact. But sadly, I then got a barrage of abusive messages off him (he hates me, hates the baby and wishes it was dead, I've ruined his life, that his mum said I'd try and trap him, that I'm abusive, that I'm ruining the child's life etc etc etc) I just muted the chat and let him carry on with it thinking he'd calm down as I know he finds it difficult to deal with his emotions. I thought he was just venting and he'd leave it alone after.

HOWEVER. It also transpires that he's been saying some awful things about me behind my back. Telling people I've tried to trap him in a relationship, telling people that I was abusive when we were together and all kinds of other awful things. And this does not sit well with me at all as it's simply not true. I messaged him and requested we meet up,talk about this like adults and leave this on neutral terms. Drama and this horrible toxic situation is not good for ANYONE. His response? More abusive messages, told me to fuck off and had proceeded to tarnish my name to all of our mutual friends and all over social media. I am Fucking mortified. I have no idea how to deal with this situation.

What I WANT to do is have it out with him in person but I know that would be absolutely the worst thing I could do, if I leave it, it's going to keep escalating into this awful Jeremy Kyle situation where everyone knows my business and potentially thinks I'm this awful bitch he's making me out to be. I just don't know what to do.

Santawontbelong Fri 27-Oct-17 12:05:57

Regardless of what he is saying about you he does himself no favours blackening the name of his child's mother.
Block all ways of contact and come off social media. You need to focus on you and your pregnancy. Leave him off the bc but do claim cms. He may be dodging parenthood but he can avoid financially supporting his child.

Santawontbelong Fri 27-Oct-17 12:06:08

Can't avoid obviously!!

Starlight2345 Fri 27-Oct-17 14:29:24

I would log the calls with the police . I would also block . Don’t worry about what others think those who matter will know the truth x

shelley1990 Wed 01-Nov-17 13:37:13

Ignore all messages, phone calls etc. Ring police, show them the messages he’s sending you and let them monitor it. You however need to ignore it all, come off social media and just leave him to his childish antics. You or the baby don’t need the stress! Enjoy your pregnancy.! smile

kittensinmydinner1 Fri 03-Nov-17 20:16:56

I can see he would be angry but this is the consequence when young men don’t take responsibility for their own fertility. As a mother of sons and step sons it’s something that I have drilled in to them. NEVER assume contraception is someone else’s business. If you don’t want a baby - it’s your job and yours alone to ensure that doesn’t happen. Because if it DOES happen , all decisions are out of your control.

It’s not a matter of getting ‘trapped’ just different agendas .
Personally I can’t understand wanting to have a child with someone that I hardly know and also know to be vehemently against it.. but thank god times have changed and my choice doesn’t have to be your choice. .. this is YOUR CHOICE ! but please don’t expect him to be happy or ok with it.

He is angry because of loss of control in this. He is having parent hood pushed upon him. He will also have to pay financially for 18 yrs for a situation he doesn’t want, hasn’t chosen and has no control over. That would make most people pretty cross.
That said - it’s tough. He has to grow up and face the music.
If he has nothing good to say block him. FB is not obligatory. Just come off it and surround you and your baby with positives.

dazedandconfuse Fri 03-Nov-17 20:30:13

"Personally I can’t understand wanting to have a child with someone that I hardly know and also know to be vehemently against it."

we were together for 18 months and knew each other a lot longer. He lived with me and my 3 year old, we described ourselves as a family to everyone, he would proudly refer to himself as my son's father, we went on family holidays, we were the best of friends. We even discussed what we would do if I fell pregnant and that was to keep the child.
I knew my ex boyfriend very very well. Or so I thought. This isn't someone I only knew a couple of months. I'm not some childish idiot keeping a baby just for the shits and giggles. It's something I thought long and hard about and can't go through with.

kittensinmydinner1 Sun 05-Nov-17 13:31:50

18 months is not a very long time to know someone before having a child. Why such a hurry ? What is the problem with taking things slowly, get to know someone. Then when you are sure - confirm that commitment by getting married. It costs £215 at a registry office ! If he was committed enough for marriage then committed enough for kids usually . A refusal to marry would surely tell you all to know about long term intentions ?

Really don’t understand this idea of making babies with people you hardly know and have not expressed a long term commitment in terms of marriage.

dazedandconfuse Sun 05-Nov-17 16:44:20

You're not very good at reading. I was with him 18 months I've known him
Much much longer than that. Why are you placing the blame on me for him being a d head?

Movablefeast Sun 05-Nov-17 16:50:55

Kittens all your comments are moot. She is pregnant and keeping the baby.

Starlight2345 Sun 05-Nov-17 17:06:08

Op .. You are 16 weeks pregnant .. really learn who to listen to . You could of been with him for years and not expected this response . It frequently comes up on mn.
Focus on your family .

RedDahlia Sun 05-Nov-17 17:06:26

Kittens keep your condescending, up your own arse opinions to yourself.

OP - keep your head down and Ignore. Keep all texts and communication in case you ever need them in the future.

Block and come of social media (it’s actually quite liberating) and don’t worry about people’s opinions- it doesn’t matter what they think, it’s what you think of yourself that’s important.

Literally shut this man out like you’ve never known him and put your head up high - carry on regardless.

Best of luck with everything 💐

kittensinmydinner1 Mon 06-Nov-17 09:02:44

By all means let’s encourage making babies with feckless dickheads. A few more children with unengaged uninterested fathers is just what’s needed isn’t it. ?

But of course that’s all fine because the woman wanted a baby. Without any thought that perhaps the baby would benefit from two parents that wanted him/her.

CosmicPineapple Mon 06-Nov-17 09:09:40

Kittens
Have a word with yourself.
TWO people had unprotected sex. If he did not want a baby then HE should have used contreception.

I find it shocking that this man is being abusive towards the OP yet you choose to ignore that and have a dig because she is keeping her child.

Do you usually ignore male violence and choose to blame the victim Kittens?

sunseasand25 Mon 06-Nov-17 09:12:20

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I’m sure people will be able to see what he is really like and if they can’t then they’ll find out in time or they are not worth it. None of this will matter once you have your baby. My ex tried to get me to get rid of our unplanned baby and is now mortified and a very good father actually. It’s something he’ll always have on his conscience and have to live with though. His issue. I’ve always loved our son and have no dark secrets to hide from him (despite the fact he was unplanned and the result of a night of BOTH my ex and I being irresponsible )

Itsonkyme Mon 06-Nov-17 09:17:49

Dazed! At what point did he become your ex boyfriend?

Oliversmumsarmy Mon 06-Nov-17 09:28:56

He is having parent hood pushed upon him. He will also have to pay financially for 18 yrs for a situation he doesn’t want, hasn’t chosen and has no control over

I might have to disagree. He had every control over this situation. If you don't want a baby you don't discuss what if you had a baby with your live in gf and presumably if you discussing this you were having unprotected sex on some occassions.

kittens how long should someone be with someone before they have children.

dazedandconfuse Mon 06-Nov-17 09:38:01

I was on the pill when I got pregnant 🙂

witchofzog Mon 06-Nov-17 09:49:10

My ex did this. Told everyone I was the abusive one, was very vocal in telling everyone how awful I was. I wasn't pregnant but it still caused me a huge amount of stress. One of my best (and now very ex) friends believed him without asking my side of the story. His friends of course believed him too. I don't think his family did but he told them it was him or me and if they ever spoke to me again he would cut them off.

I kept a dignified silence. And then people slowly came round. A few of his friends realised later what he was like. One of them even came up to me when I was out and apologised. Said I deserved better and needed to be as far away from him as possible .

So op my advice is to not try to engage with him. Ignore his vitriol. Block on social media. Let him dig his own grave. Your silence will speak volumes. I am sorry that the person you thought you knew and who was a lovely person to you when you were together has turned into this awful person you don't recognise. Surround yourself with people who care about you and focus on them, your 3 year old and your new baby.

Oh and ignore the sanctimonious kittens. It takes 2 people to make a baby. If he didn't want one he should have taken his own precautions.

dazedandconfuse Mon 06-Nov-17 09:54:34

I'm now fully no contact. It's took some time but I've realised the person I knew and loved has gone. And it's pointless feeling sad because he's just a lame ass POS who doesn't deserve to be a part of any child's life.

Taking any energy I was putting into being sad about him into my new life now. I'm
happy, my 3 year old is VERY happy and me and my family are looking forward to this new life with this unplanned but very much wanted baby and giving it all the love in the world

Thanks for all the support guys cake

Cakedoesntjudge Mon 06-Nov-17 10:03:46

I was on the flip side of a situation that was sort of similar (although there was no relationship or discussions beforehand, my brother had a one night stand with a friend he’d known for years and she got pregnant). She wanted to keep the baby and he was livid and didn’t.

We all told him he was being bang out of line. If I was a man who didn’t want a baby, it wouldn’t matter what contraception the woman was on, I would use a condom. I also wouldn’t discuss keeping a baby if an unplanned pregnancy happened! I hate when people don’t take responsibility for the man’s role in an unplanned pregnancy like it was just something he was coerced into!

I had an unplanned pregnancy with DS’s Dad. We had only been together 10 months when I fell pregnant. It wasn’t ideal and on paper would have made more sense to have an abortion. However, we’d both been told we’d struggle to conceive without IVF so we decided to go through with it and risk splitting up rather than never be able to have children and regretting it. He was over the moon when I decided to go through with the pregnancy and said it’s what he’d wanted all along but hadn’t wanted to pressure me.

Fast forward just under 3 years when he left and suddenly him and his family were also spouting all this rubbish about how I’d ‘trapped’ him to anybody who would listen. They said all sorts of rubbish to everyone - I was an alcoholic who spent all the maintenance on wine (I wasn’t - I used to have a couple of glasses a week and I worked, the maintenance he paid was a pittance at the time). I was a whore who’d slept with anyone who breathed (he’d had multiple affairs, I’d had zero) etc etc. I was mortified but my dad just kept saying to me “why do you care what they say? You know the truth, everyone who loves you knows the truth, let them get on with it and whoever believes them doesn’t matter” and that was the mantra I used to repeat to myself whenever I got upset about it. After a while I started to believe it too and now I couldn’t care less what exdp or his family say about me!

Congratulations on your pregnancy and don’t let him ruin it for you flowers sounds like he was quite happy to think he was capable of playing happy families until the reality hit and that’s his problem and something he might have to explain to his child one day.

And kittens extensive research has shown it’s not not having two parents that does the damage to kids - it’s being poorer which does tend to happen in single parent families. However, it isn’t a given. My DS has done absolutely fine so far (admittedly he’s only 7) and is frequently described by everyone as a well adjusted, happy, high achieving little boy. Me and my brothers grew up in a miserable two parent household until we were teens because my parents thought it was better to stay together for the sake of the children and, my brothers especially, had a myriad of behavioural difficulties because their childhood was so unhappy. Plus fathers aren’t always determined by blood - both me and DS’ Dad are now in other settled relationships so he has 4 people looking out for him in a parental role. Your thinking is outdated and your vitriol should be aimed at the men who walk away, not people like the OP who said she’d known him for ages and they’d had discussions about having children hmm

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