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Extended family access

(10 Posts)
Kaykay1234 Tue 24-Oct-17 19:50:50

I need a bit of advice if anyone can help.
My ex and I broke up 4 years ago, we have a 8year old daughter and 4 year old son. Access has always been every other weekend and a couple of dinners/nights in the week. I’ve never received money and get threatened with court (says he will go for 50/50 access), our children don’t like going anyway as they say it’s boring and they miss home but I always take them and pick up and encourage them to go.
I’m a part time teacher so have school holidays off, school holidays are mostly split as long as ex has sorted out his work holiday, apart from the summer holidays but he has every weekend instead as well as his week etc.
Recently my ex has started saying that his parents and siblings should get a night on my weekend to have our children overnight. Our children see my family on my weekend and I never encroach on exes weekend unless it’s birthdays. I have said that on normal weekends during term time and school holidays where the access is even rly split then time and sleep overs with his family should be done in his time. I’ve always said that if I end up with more time in the holidays then I’m happy for them to go extra time etc. Apparently because I have a couple more evenings during the week any extra contact with his family should be coming out of my time, though during the week it is more school and bed routine (hardly quality time to do stuff like at the weekend).
I’ve tried compromising with the school holidays etc but I think if it’s evenly split then it’s up to us to sort out time with extended family. If I refuse extra time on my weekends with his family I get threats of court so I end up losing my weekend or most of it.
Please don’t just say to go to court etc it’s not an option and I’m trying to avoid it as much as possible. I would just really like what other people think.

Lottie509 Tue 24-Oct-17 19:55:12

I think he should arrange that in his own time as you do. He sounds like a bully threatening you to get his own way, Stand your ground, Your time with your kids is your time, Not his to dictate what goes on.

Bunkai Wed 25-Oct-17 07:49:50

He's trying it on. Ignore him. His family, his time. It sounds like he has enough contact to do this. Is he generally controlling?

Since he doesn't pay maintenance (maybe because he has the the required number of nights per year?) does he contribute to their clothing /shoes/school trips etc?

Fishface77 Wed 25-Oct-17 07:53:12

Agree with pp. stop letting him bully you. Tell him your going down the cms route. And will ask to have it backdated.
Keep a diary of all his behaviour.

DaisysStew Wed 25-Oct-17 08:15:05

Why are you so worried about court? It can be a daunting process but will absolutely benefit you. He won't be granted more access than he already gets (as it's already fair and the children don't want more) and it will put clear boundaries in place - like the fact that any contact with his family must take place in his contact time.

Tell him no, your time with your children is just that and you shouldn't have to sacrifice it to accommodate his family.

Merida83 Wed 25-Oct-17 08:19:43

His family, so its his choice, so absolutely should be done in his time.

As you do with yours. 1 extra evening a week is hardly a huge amount extra you get and as you say for school age children mid week is just dinner homework hopefully little bit if relax time (if homework allows), bath and bed.

You could i suppose offer an extra week day evening every other week so school nights are more fairly split. But no way should you have to give up any weekend time.

Especially as during school holidays he gets every weekend.
Schools get a fair bit of holidays with regular half term breaks etc and the obvious 2 weeks at xmas and long summer break. So there's always time in there for him to allow family visits.
Family stay overs are far from essential and are very much at the parents discretion so if he feels they are important to him then so be it but it absolutely should happen on one if his days/nights.

Be strong do not let him bully you into this or it will become a regular occurance and you will loose out on more and more precious time with your dc.

Kaykay1234 Wed 25-Oct-17 11:13:22

Thanks for all your replies. He likes to have the children little and often but it’s actually only fri to mom every other weekend and a couple of dinners each week (about 2-3 every week) so the other night but for child maintenance he should be giving me about £200 per month. In 4 years he’s given me £15. He doesn’t contribute to school, clubs or trips etc. He says his family can’t see the children during the week as they work so it has to be weekend but my family are the same but we manage.
He can’t do another evening due to his work... our children (especially our daughter) is terrified of court as she’s heard him going on about going for a week at a time. I’m trying my best to keep everyone happy.

Louw12345 Wed 25-Oct-17 12:04:24

Don't give in to hos demands. His family should see the children on his access time.
And if you do and he takes you to court his arugement would be that he and his family spend more time with them than you.

Tell your daughter not to worry about court. She has a voice at 8 years old.

My exes mum shouted at me and said it'd my fault she doesn't see the kids. I told her it wasn't. I also said you know where I live. I also said that if she was that concerned to bring it up with her son who stopped seeing his kids therefore so did she.

I also mentioned that things where hard enough with uni 5 kids after school clubs money etc that to add running around town with the kids wasn't something I could fit in. (I don't drive)
My family come to me and my mum fully understands the pressure I was in at that time.
However the children now see their dad and guess what nanna isn't to be seen.

Keep strong and stick to what is right for you and your kids.
If he asks again say no that is my time with my children for then to spend it with me and my family you have your access days for you and your family.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer Wed 25-Oct-17 12:14:13

I would add that lots of men threaten court, but actually doing it would cost him a lot of money, so it may be an empty threat. It's absolutely wrong that he's mentioned it to your dd though sad that's horrible. You could perhaps explain to her though that it's nothing to be scared of, and their job is simply to decide when the parents can't.
Obviously though, his family should see the kids in his time.

Starlight2345 Wed 25-Oct-17 17:45:02

I would also echo what has been said . Go to the cams . Let him take you to court . You can’t keep everyone happy with a bully . It likely is a threat but certainly not one that should be made to an 8 year old or an adult . I let my ex take me to court to finish the demands . He pulled out before the court case . You have to take the power away from these threats

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