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Why am I the bad guy again! And left to pick up the pieces

(7 Posts)
peachy2410 Tue 24-Oct-17 16:33:14

SORRY I PUT THIS POST ON SOMEONE ELSE'S BY ACCIDENT SO I;M STARTING AGAIN

I just need a rant... some of you might remember me - Dd’s Dad threw a bucket of water over us in bed at Christmas, I asked him to leave but he spent every waking hour at my house.... fast forward 7 months after having her alone a total of 3 times (last one in May), refusing to see her unless I’m there (because she screams at him), being persistently late/not turning up/turning up but just playing on his phone etc, well he is now apparently “done” with us and it’s all my fault because I bought her a certain present for her birthday and breastfeed (yes extended breastfeeder here but she’s hardly permanently attached to me- she’s spends 4 days at nursery)! He’s ruined every occasion in her life from leaving me during her birth, her christening, Xmas and again her birthday (the first one he was working!) but again he makes me feel in the wrong!

For some reason I can’t get my head round the fact he doesn’t want to see her - 95% of me thinks she’s better off without him, but I still feel sorry for her and worry about what I’ll say when she’s older. I don’t get why- He doesn’t bring anything to her life but I feel so guilty again! Also I’m terrified of bringing a child up alone (although in reality I’ve done that from day 1 but according to him it’s because I deliberately excluded him by breastfeeding), I’m a hard working professional woman and I can set a good example for my DD but I have a feeling he’s going to dip in and out as the wind takes him- it’s doing my head in!!

I need someone to slap some sense into me that this is the right thing and I can do this shit! Sorry again for the rant but needed to get it out!x

BubblesPip Tue 24-Oct-17 18:25:06

I felt exactly like you. But with time I’ve come to realise that I can’t change him, and it’s not my place to try. All I can do is show my daughter that she has one reliable parent and I’ll always be there for her. I can also try to protect her as much as I can from the hurt he could cause. I know my Dds Dad with always dip in and out of her life, and that’s hard to come to terms with. But just think, they’re involved so little that does it really have to impact our lives?

Starlight2345 Wed 25-Oct-17 17:55:06

I would not contact him . Leave him to it . Sounds like lots of control issues . You don’t have to let him float in and out of her life wait in for him to be late for contact . My Ds is 10 and not seem his dad since he was 3 . There have been issues but he is much happier than he would be with dads games . It is also easier to support your child emotionally when your child is not been let down over and over again

bettycat81 Wed 25-Oct-17 18:39:52

My DS's dad has been in and out of his life since we left 5 years ago. The best way I find to deal with it is to think of him as more of an Uncle figure... He doesn't parent our son at all; never makes a decision, never disciplines, makes a meal etc. Because of the effect of him coming in and out if DS' life I have now restricted the frequency of his contact quite a bit so that he doesn't get let down when he starts to expect more of his dad. The next step,if it happens again, will be to go no contact.

My Son often makes comments about wanting a Dad like his friends have. It's sad but his real dad is never going to be that person - there is no one else on the scene either.

You can "do this shit" because you already are x

peachy2410 Wed 25-Oct-17 21:05:49

Thanks Betty. It’s just reality hit that’s it’s just me now. What if I do sth wrong!

I get what you say about just keeping going but it isn’t easy. I don’t know why psychologically it feels so different as to when he saw her for a couple of hours at the weekend but everything seems harder and I’m constantly waiting for him to change his mind and blow up again!

Anyway thanks for responding xx

peachy2410 Wed 25-Oct-17 21:07:42

Bubbles - how do you stop it from impacting? Does it come with time? I feel like I’m just waiting for his next move xx

bettycat81 Thu 26-Oct-17 09:17:22

Peachy,
I get that. I hate the effect the not knowing when he's going to turn up has on me. It's almost threatening.

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