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DNA Result. Should i tell the parental family

(114 Posts)
laurajayne3 Fri 20-Oct-17 23:51:58

Long story short I had a 3some with someone I was seein for a few years and his friend. There's a lot behind that story but I won't go into it. Anyway I prayed he was going to be the guys I was seein. 18 months later a dna has shown he's not. Apparently he's told his friend and he said he wants nothing to do with him. I would prefer to have the conversation with him directly and not through my ex as he is a compulsive liar. But that said I can imagine his friend would say that. My question is should I tell his family? I don't have any phone numbers for him, but I do know his sister's name on Facebook. He won't want me to tell them. And I don't want to stir any unnessary drama or feel like I'm begging something when he's said he wants nothing to do with the baby. Would I look stupid and desperate to do this? I don't feel like i have any right as I don't know them. And we were never ever together. I was with his friend. And I'm pretty sure he's on And off with his other kids mum. And it's his family not mine. I don't want to look like some desperate stalker. But I would like my son to have as much family as possible. If they wanted to obviously. Do you think his family would want to know as they would be his grandparents and aunty. Or am I just best leaving it? Thanks

NachoAddict Fri 20-Oct-17 23:55:08

I think you ate best speaking to him first if all you have is your exes word that he is not interested.

ukelelebanana Fri 20-Oct-17 23:56:07

Really? If this is for real then no, I wouldn't if I were you. FB'ing some woman you don't know to tell her that her brother knocked up a random during a threesome? Not a conversation I would start, personally.

user1471548375 Fri 20-Oct-17 23:58:33

From a family point of view, no. It's his decision to involve them or not.

Make sure you contact the csa so he is paying his way though

MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo Sat 21-Oct-17 00:02:36

Can you contact his sister, just say you need to speak to him and see if she will send his number or pass on his message.

I wouldn't trust your ex that he's told the other guy.

laurajayne3 Sat 21-Oct-17 00:03:30

This is was I was worried about. I don't want to overstep the mark. But everyone is telling me his mum and his family has a right to know. And if they don't want to know I can tell my son when he's older I tried. And my friend has a child with someone where her dad isn't involved but she does she her paternal grandparents

MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo Sat 21-Oct-17 00:05:52

I would start with him. Find a way to contact him and tell him. Then decide from there

laurajayne3 Sat 21-Oct-17 00:05:53

ukelelebanana - why would it not be for real? As i said there's alot behind what happened which I'm not going to get into. Of course I would word as you said to her. But however he was conceived he's his son

laurajayne3 Sat 21-Oct-17 00:09:57

MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo - I don't trust my ex. But it's hard to contact him. I'm pretty sure if I asked his sister for his number she wouldn't just give it to me not knowing why. All I want is for my son to have some sort of contact with his dad's side of the family. As I never got that. And I know kids that dont see their dad but see their paternal grandparents. And if they don't want to then fine at least I know. I just get really bad anxiety over things. And I am some stranger

ukelelebanana Sat 21-Oct-17 00:10:50

Because your story makes no sense. You have a positive DNA test? How did that come about? How is your ex the one who told him and not you, or indeed the company or court that ordered the test?

MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo Sat 21-Oct-17 00:12:24

Is he on FB?
It might be your only option if you want to tell him is to start by asking if she knows how you could get in touch with him. If she pushes then be honest - tell her you think / he is your child father and you thought he had a right to know

bakingcupcakes Sat 21-Oct-17 00:12:24

I wouldn't contact my DS's extended family without his Dad's involvement. His Dad is NC with us.

That said my cousin's Dad had another child who he was no contact with but the child's Mum contacted the extended family who all keep in touch. It's difficult.

laurajayne3 Sat 21-Oct-17 00:21:03

ukelelebanana - how does it not make sense? My ex was questioning paternity so I said we need to do a dna. The results then got sent to me via email. I told me ex as obviously I have his number. I don't have a number or address for his friend

Shiftymake Sat 21-Oct-17 00:21:54

If my brother was ever involved in something like this we would a) be very disappointed he didn't use protection b) want to include the child in our lives. Not the child's fault and family is family. Trickier that you don't seem to know him better though.

ukelelebanana Sat 21-Oct-17 00:25:11

So you and your ex did dna. (your ex would have been contacted by the people that did the dna test) Did you get his friends dna? How? With no contact details for him?

laurajayne3 Sat 21-Oct-17 00:25:18

MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo - no he's not on any social media unfortunately or I think I would have just told him directly. Only his sister's and mum. It's just hard with the situation as this was 2 years ago when I was in really bad way and my ex was very controlling and I basically did it for him. But that being said how he was conceived shouldn't change the fact that they should at least have the option. And my therapist said when my son's older I can then at least told them I tried with his dad and family and they didn't want to be involved and that I tried

MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo Sat 21-Oct-17 00:27:30

ukelelebanana its not hard to figure out. She had unprotected sex with two men around the time she got pregnant. DNA test with partner was negative. So its the other guy.

ukelelebanana Sat 21-Oct-17 00:28:21

So she says. But she has no proof of that and since she is talking about contacting strangers online, they aren't going to believe her with no proof of it.

laurajayne3 Sat 21-Oct-17 00:28:38

ukelelebanana - we all did a dna in the same room together and posted it. If u want to see the form it's from dnacentre.co.uk. u put one email address. For postal results it's 10 extra per copy which we didnt do. For the dad's details all u need is their name and signature and dob. It's an approved dna centre as it's listed on the gov.uk website

laurajayne3 Sat 21-Oct-17 00:29:49

The only time they get HAVE to be contacted directly is a legal dna test. Not for a home peace of mind test

MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo Sat 21-Oct-17 00:32:11

Ah I didn't realise he got tested too, I just thought the inference that it could be someone else was unfair

GreenTulips Sat 21-Oct-17 00:34:11

As a m you are your child's only voice

If you think having his grandparents involved is best for the child then that is what you must do

Text the sister

Hi, I'm looking to contact X and hope you can forward my number and ask him to call.

See how it goes, if you want to tell her them do so, your child is not a dirty secret.

It takes 2 to make a baby and he (hopefully) was an adult at the time and therefore know the risks

laurajayne3 Sat 21-Oct-17 00:36:58

Shiftymake - if u would include the child as it's not their fault. Would u appreciate being told by a stranger out the blue then? Or would u be angry and think I've gone behind ur brothers back? I don't know the full story between him and other child's mother. But it's not like I'm telling her if they are together. They can only say yes or no they want to see him. What's the worst than van happened besides me looking stupid and possibly abuse from my ex or his friend I've revealed what his friend maybe wants kept a secret ?

laurajayne3 Sat 21-Oct-17 00:39:08

Sorry i wasnt cleared in the post. I should have said 18 months later they both did a dna. Sorry

GreenTulips Sat 21-Oct-17 00:42:43

You have nothing to lose

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