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At what point does it become acceptable to seriously consider not letting him have any contact with my son?

(9 Posts)
shaaan1329 Sat 14-Oct-17 21:55:05

Sorry this might be a bit long, just looking for peoples opinions really.

I am 22 years old and I got with the father of my unborn child (currently 27 weeks pregnant) 2.5 years ago. He was (still is) a drug user and as quick as I became infatuated with him, I became addicted to the same drugs as him and started experimenting with him. The two years that followed were horrendous. I thought I was having the time of my life, staying at his parents house or out and awake all night taking drugs, but in reality I was losing myself and my family. I dropped out of my law degree, I put this man before absolutely everything and everyone. He was abusive, physically and mentally. I once called the police and tried to press charges when he dragged me out of a car onto the pavement but the CPS decided there was not enough evidence. He’s strangled me to the point I passed out, he’s given me a corker of a black eye, tried to run me over when I was stood in front of his car begging him not to leave me. Left me in huge amounts of debt which he refuses to pay towards.

About 10 months ago I realised drugs were playing a huge part in this. We decided to quit and see what a sober relationship would be like and if we still get on okay. Trouble began when I got clean, he got to be a recreational user and cause problems. I suffered badly with my mental health after stopping everything. I tried to commit suicide on a few occasions, he couldnt cope and we are on the verge of breaking up. He wasn’t supportive of me being ill. Then I find out I’m pregnant. I would like to point out I was on the pill and completely sober (drug wise) for over two months.. I haven’t been tempted since, the thought of them disgusts me.. but this was by no means planned.

He stays with me until 8 weeks pregnant when he leaves me. He goes off the rails, demands a DNA test when baby is here. Since then he has been reluctant to commit again. He swings between telling me that me and baby are the two most important people in his life to not wanting anything to do with me. I’m a slag, it’s not his, he doesn’t want a family unit etc etc. He’s 30 years old, he’s still getting smashed taking speed, he smokes weed daily, he hit me while I was pregnant and threw me against a chair, he drives under the influence regularly, he has no job and turns up to my house off his head paranoid, asking to see my messages, checks my bedroom sheets for hairs etc..

Now at what point will stopping him seeing this child be justifiable? I am a BIG believer that children deserve a father and a father deserves a chance however I feel that safety of my child is the most important thing. I am aware that children who have contact with their fathers fair a lot better but will it do him more harm than good? I fear my ex won’t bring him back if he’s ever trusted by me enough to take him away from me. I feel he will care for him while stoned, drive irrationally with him in the car, the liar goes on sad

I don’t hold out much, if any, hope things will change in his mind when baby is here. He sees nothing wrong with his behaviour at all and never feels remorse for the way he speaks to me.

Just looking for advice from anyone who has been in a similar boat really.

mnpeasantry Sat 14-Oct-17 22:32:15

This sounds awful. I would be very wary under these circumstances of having him around the baby. I get what you're saying about dads needing a chance but it sounds like he will only bring a world of grief into your poor baby's world. Let him contact you when he has recovered.

Best of luck.

Beammeup11 Sat 14-Oct-17 22:38:19

Do not under any circumstances let him register as the baby's Father on birth certificate.
You will spend years,blood sweat and tears raising your child, only for that idiot to undo all your effort. Next time he calls you a slag agree with him, tell him you aren't sure who the Father is, and have no further contact. Sounds harsh I know, but have seen this situation a few times, it never ends well.

Starlight2345 Sat 14-Oct-17 22:47:55

I can tell you as a parent of a child who has no contact he does fair far better in a stable environment than the chaos his dad created. Some abusive parents kill their children too .. There are always statistics.

He has no right to see you at this point.If he turns up at your house ask him to leave..Do not answer the door. He is not in a relationship with you..Even if he was he has no right to check your phone..

Report any incidents to the police..

I agree with the pp no circumstances let this man be on the birth certificate it will be much harder to get baby home.

NoCryLilSoftSoft Sat 14-Oct-17 22:53:12

In your shoes I would move far away now and swear my entire family to secrecy for the rest of their lives. This guy shouldn't be near any children let alone have influence over one for 18 years. Seriously, run away.

cestlavielife Sat 14-Oct-17 22:58:26

It s justifiable from now.
Cut contact
If in the future he pursues then only supervised.
If you see him you risk being injured by him

Butterymuffin Sat 14-Oct-17 23:00:37

Do what beamme says (as long as you're somewhere safe where he can't hit you). It will really help you if he doesn't make a claim to be registered as the father.

Minimusiciansmama Sun 15-Oct-17 10:23:13

Now. Do it now. I fell for the crap of my abusive partner and went back at 6 months pregnant after he threw me out at 5 months pregnant. I thought "giving him a chance" was the right thing to do. I was wrong. I left when my child was 4 months. I also gave him chance to have contact centre contact which he screwed up. It took a very very long time to undo the 6 months of damage to my poor baby.

I massively believe a good father is a huge benefit to a child. But a bad one is so damaging.

Squeegle Sun 15-Oct-17 10:28:48

Yes, all as above, don't put him on birth certificate, get away if you can. Where are you living? Can you go and live with parents or someone while you have the baby? He sounds seriously inconsistent and dangerous, please don't consider playing fair with someone who has been so unfair with you. Your unborn child does not need this and neither do you.

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